Wow, that is something when I look at that list and see the talk versus actions. The actions that concern me are the legal separation agreement, the selling of the house, the EA/PA, but even with those I think I can agree with you that there is a lot to be hopeful on how she feels deep down based on other things when I look back at what I listed and then read your view. Thank you.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Now my anxiety has jumped a bit. Yesterday I had suggested to my W that we needed to sit down without distractions to discuss issues such as the separation agreement, time lime for selling house, when she plans to start looking for apartment, etc. At first she didn't see why we needed to do that during the week, taking time off, etc. Said maybe we can do it next weekend.
I just got an email from her saying let's go ahead and do my idea and meet tomorrow in the afternoon rather than waiting until the weekend. She said I could swing by her work, we could talk for a while, maybe grab a beer, then pick up S from day care and we all go out to dinner.
How do I approach all this? I want to move forward and work on these issues, as I don't believe in the short term anything can be done to prevent this course of action. I am thinking I just need to be cool, indifferent, agreeable but without just sucking up and doing whatever she asks.
Help!
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Wow, that is something when I look at that list and see the talk versus actions. The actions that concern me are the legal separation agreement. . .
You said:
Quote:
*Stopped legal action (though wants to move forward with separation agreement)
IS that an "action" yet, or is it more "words"?? Has she definitely moved forward with filing for a LS?
Puppy
She filed for legal separation, assuming I would not cooperate and would make things harder for her. She did this under the advice of ATTY. After I behaved in a way she did not expect (calm, anger free) after a couple of weeks she agreed with my request to dismiss the court action, but we agreed we would work out our own separation agreement. So the ACTION was filed for LS, then had LS dismissed. Words right now are wanting the separation.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
If SHE is the one wanting to leave the marriage, why are YOU suggesting such meetings??
I know - I see your point. I don't want the court and ATTYs involved, so this seems a better way. Based on her words and actions, I don't see how I can avoid this. I suggested this in response to the EA/PA. I continue to make clear I would prefer we work to save the M, but she doesn't want to so then I want to be proactive in sorting out things so 1) I am showing I can be angry free and reasonable when she assumed I would not be, 2) protect my rights (courts would probably be worse), 3) make her "own" this more since this makes things more real.
Again, I see your point but if I stonewall, etc, whatever you want to call it I will be seen as being uncooperative which is what she said I would be at the start. I am trying to do a 180 here.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I think I hear you - I think she is the one initiating things (she wants to get this agreement signed soon) and I am trying to control the circumstances some. I have a deep down hope/theory that she will not go through with the divorce but the separation is a necessary step for us to get to that point, you know what I mean?
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I can understand your feelings. And I, too, even very recently with my wife had to negotiate some potential mediation terms with the thought in mind that if I fought her TOO much, the alternative was that she could hire an atty, and get much, much more. So that's a practical reality.
I'm not a big believer in separation, however, unless the home situation is abusive or COMPLETELY toxic toward the child(ren). Too often, an S is just a precursor to D, and it doesn't give the LBS the opportunity to live out your "New Improved JKL" in front of your wife's eyes on a day-to-day basis.
I really don't know what to do - she wants to do this but I agree with what you are saying. The sooner she is out of the house the more likely she won't see changes.
I think my W feels her living with me is toxic. Let's be clear, I did cause things to get this way. In many ways, I was emotional abusive to her as I was depressed, closed off, selfish, and refused help when she reached out to me. She has not said she just wants to S, she wants a D. Her stopping the LS was at least an action that showed some hope, but she still SAYS she wants the D.
In this case, meeting tomorrow is just talking about stuff. She is not moving out tomorrow. We are not signing an agreement tomorrow. I don't think it hurts to talk, but perhaps I need to slow it down a bit after this talk. Do I go as far as stating I don't want the actual separation to occur so fast as I think she will see change in me? That doesn't sound like the right DB approach. Here we are 6 weeks into this, and I am thinking she is looking at July/August as to moving out/selling house.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I don't think it hurts to talk, but perhaps I need to slow it down a bit after this talk. Do I go as far as stating I don't want the actual separation to occur so fast as I think she will see change in me?
No no, that would be revealing your hand! You can't "announce" changes, you have to LIVE them. Just say "I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm really not. This is just a really big decision that's going to affect us and (INSERT SON'S NAME HERE) for the rest of all of our lives. I want to take our time and make sure we do this the right way."
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