Even if you "mandate transparency," she can always go to the library or a friend's computer, and she can get another email address without you knowing.
You don't have to trust her, but keeping her under lock and key (eg, mandating transparency) isn't going to attract her to you. Mandating anything is just going to make her resent you.
Your idea of doing some kind of act of showing trust is nice, but are you ready to tell her that you trust her in honesty? I don't think you trust her yet (you will know when you do, because there will be a shift in your intimacy.)
I certainly don't blame you for needing some time to build that trust in her again, and any hint of her trying to contact OM likely brings you right back to square one. So, while you blame yourself for bringing you two back to square one, the reality is that she hasn't really kept up her end of the deal either.
You both need some time and breathing room for personal development, in my opinion. Don't be too hard on yourself, and embrace the pain of growth!
Lucky
I don't really blame myself, and I definitely don't trust her. I even told her that explicitly - when she listed out her reasons that the M could not work, I listened, then told her that I agreed with those and had one more - that I had lost trust in her.
It's not a question of trust vs not trust.
It's a question of: maintaining a boundary that has been set (open passwords), because it is what I want, because I was being strong when I set the boundary, and because it increases the possibility that I will catch it if (when) something starts up again with OM.
vs.
conceding (to myself) that it provides only the illusion of transparency, that control is impossible, and that it is better for my sitch to give her the privacy and security she needs to work through it for herself.
Basically, it's not to trust or not to trust, it's whether to "stand strong" or to "let go".
Last edited by Thinker; 05/18/0906:40 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
