Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[Thinker]

I hope that your W takes a journey that includes Schnarch's book, too.

Not a chance right now - she won't come near any self help or R books - so if Schnarch is "involved" it will have to be through me.

My guess is that she desperately wants intimacy, but that she is so afraid of it that she needs the man to lead her through it.

Exactly. Up to this point, I did not know that she needed this or how to do it. I'm still not sure, but am reading.

I would think that she needs the right combination of being wanted and pursued, feeling safe, and having trust in you.

Yes, and herein lies the difficult:
needs "being wanted and pursued" - but no pressure or pursuit

needs "feeling safe and having trust in me" - but is threatened by my changes and by the transparency.

i.e. what she needs for intimacy, and what is needed to reestablish the relationship (dbing) are mutually exclusive.

If those assumptions are correct, it will take some time for her to want to engage again. She will need to rebuild trust in you, as well as attraction for you (sounds like this has been damaged in the process of the A being uncovered.)

This is why I am considering giving up the transparency - because it is interfering with her ability to trust me and be attracted to me. As discussed, I have still not decided here, but am debating with myself...

Your N.U.T. about trusting people isn't specific enough. She broke your trust. That is proven. So, you are allowed to go through some recovery and have some slip ups during that recovery based on feeling betrayed, disillusioned, bewildered, shattered...

I trust people who are worthy of that trust?

I agree that I am feelign betrayed, disillusioned, bewildered, shattered, etc - less now than before. But what I really want is for her to be open and honest with me - do I get that by mandating transparency from her when she does not want to give it? I think what I get is resentment and a person who just either flaunts or looks for ways around the transparency.

Though you are married and cohabitating, she is still "over there." I would recommend that you continue to treat her as a girl that you are hoping to date, not as the man you used to be, but as the man who has read MWD, Glover, Schnarch... She needs time to let her guard down and warm up to you.

OK. Have to think on that one. Need to understand how that new man would approach it.

Also struggling with the "time" she needs. I am running out of energy and motivation. Her disinterest, disrespect and rejection are wearing on me and I am losing interest and motivation.