Life After the Affair

[NoCodeBlues]

WDID reading your posts give me hope

I second that.

But moreover, WDID, looking at my xW and those of so many others who walked away without a care, reading your posts and seeing how you far you've moved just goes to show truly exceptional and wonderful a person you are. To have come back from the brink like that -- it is no mean feat, let me tell you!

[fightingirish]

Wdid... Im so happy for you, your an inspiration to a lot of people

[whatdidido]

Sugar- If you can hang in there, and if your H really looks within himself and does the work, you both will be so lucky and happy. I'm glad my posts help. It DOES help to get them off of my chest somewhere. Lord knows, my husband doesn't want to hear about my former OM thoughts/problems, etc. This tends to be my dumping ground. If I can dump the thoughts here I don't have to dwell on them. You know what I mean?

Nocode- That's so nice of you to say that. I can understand how most WAW never come back... it's not so easy coming to grips that you did some pretty awful things, and then to work on fixing the damage done. It would be so much easier to reason with yourself WHY you did those things, make the excuse for yourself, start fresh with a new relationship, ask God's forgiveness, cut your losses and move on. That really is the EASIEST and less emotionally painful route to go. I don't believe it is the right one, though, and in the end I need to be able to face myself and God. Even when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I put my trust in God, and now I'm happier than I could have imagined. It's a hard thing to do, though.

Thanks, Tal. I just read up on your situation. It sounds like your H may have had a breakthrough moment. Sometimes it has to get reallllly bad before that happens. Keep moving forward. Your family deserves it.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Wdid... Im so happy for you, your an inspiration to a lot of people

I was looking at your signature, and the quote there, and I wanted to tell you something my pastor said last night.

Light will ALWAYS overcome darkness. No matter how great the darkness, the smallest light will shine through. But, darkness will ALWAYS be overcome by light.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[whatdidido]

Read this on StrongMarvelousWoman's thread, and thought I'd bring it over to the Infidelity forum. I hope you don't mind, SMW.

"Others Are Still Drowning" -

"Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him.
Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that
the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The
disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're
going to drown!" He replied, "You of little faith, why are you
so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves,
and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and
asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves
obey him!" Matthew 8:23-27

Do you know when I feel most humbled to be used by God? It is
when I am working on a writing project and the Holy Spirit places
something else on my heart to share with standers. Elsewhere on
my computer is an unfinished article, but I had to put it aside
and share what God has given me.

I was given the illustration of divorce being like falling off of
a ship. One moment you were sailing peacefully in the sea of
matrimony. Just when you least expected it, the enemy snuck up
and shoved you, your spouse and many others overboard. Some
people say the evil one toppled 50% of the married couples into
the dark waters of divorce.

At first you panicked as you tumbled deeper and deeper into the
murky waters of strife and separation, carefully dodging the
sharks of divorce. As soon as you stopped going down, you began
to swim toward the surface. It was so tempting to reach out to
one of the other opposite sex victims who was also frantically
attempting to reach the surface. You thought that clinging to
that person would somehow rescue you, but most likely eventually
it would have caused both of you to sink even deeper.

Finally you see a life ring on the surface far above you. On the
circular floating device you can see the name JESUS. You know
that buoy can save you, if you can only reach out to it.

Finally you reach the surface. All around you are drowning men
and women crying out for help. You can see Jesus on that ship.
He skillfully re-throws the life ring and it lands directly in
front of you. The floating ring is put around you and you are
saved.

You feel safe yet guilty that you are saved and others are
sinking. Maybe you could take someone else on your ring so they
also will be saved. As Jesus starts to pull you back toward the
ship you see him gesturing toward someone else. Off in the
distance you see your spouse, struggling to stay afloat. You
could save the one you love, but there are so many people closer
to you. What if you paddled all the way to your spouse and they
rejected you? What if they are still struggling and you both
sink?

Despite all the "what ifs" Jesus continues to gesture and to
keep the rope tight as you frantically paddle toward your own
drowning spouse. You swim right past a couple other people of
the opposite sex who need help. You stop and ponder having that
ring connect the two of you. Once you look back at Jesus, He is
still gesturing toward your own spouse.

You are tempted to rescue that other person, but every time the
eyes of Jesus catch your eyes, you know your assignment and
paddle frantically toward your beloved. As soon as you reach
your spouse, they grab on to the ring and Jesus starts to pull
you both toward His ship.

Suddenly your spouse says something about this being all your
fault. You recall all the people you swam past to get to your
spouse, and now this! Safe inside your life ring, you push your
mate's hands off the life saving device. The one you married is
again floundering to keep from drowning. You become aware that
Jesus seems to have stopped pulling the rope that would have
brought you to His boat.

Despite the distance, you can somehow see Jesus' lips move and
hear him saying, "I allow false starts." You gesture for Jesus
to pull you in, but He seems silent. You see Jesus still
gesturing toward your covenant spouse. Feeling ashamed of what
you have done, you paddle back to your spouse and your beloved
grabs the side of the life ring once again as Jesus starts to
pull.

Shortly you and your spouse are on board with Jesus. You embrace
and start to walk away together, talking about how grateful you
are that you were saved, but Jesus interrupts.

"You can't rest yet because many others are still drowning,"
Jesus says in a peaceful voice. "Help me to rescue more."

Jesus hands you and your spouse life rings. From the safety of
that ship's deck you and your covenant mate start to toss life
rings to the struggling. Each of you follow in the steps of
Jesus as you toss a ring to a victim and then gesture for them to
swim to save their struggling spouse.

Every time a new couple is brought on board, Jesus hands each of
them a life ring with the same instructions you and your spouse
heard from Jesus.

"You can't rest yet because many others are still drowning. Help
me to rescue more."

Soon the number on the deck exceed the number still in the water.
Yes, some have suffered painful bites and attacks from the sharks
of divorce, but once on board with Jesus, those wounds are
healed. You ask Jesus why they have scars.

"They are a reminder not to stand too close to the edge of the
boat next time," Jesus lovingly says, "and a reminder to be so
careful not to allow the enemy to sneak up on you."

Finally the rescue is complete. People have been rescued and
lives saved despite Satan's evil scheme. Everyone is wet, tired
and exhausted, but not Jesus. He remains as loving, as calm and
as in control as when he tossed you that first life ring.

"Do you realize," your spouse inquires, "That if you had not
followed Jesus when He told you to swim toward me, many of these
people would not be safe and together right now? Yes, the Lord
would have another couple to start all this, but I thank God that
you heard Jesus and obeyed."

Jesus smiled as only He can.

- - - - -

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and
believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you
will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and
are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and
are saved." Romans 10:9-10

My friend, even though the above is an allegory, Satan is at work
today, even right now, finding couples he can shove into the sea
of divorce. Jesus is also at work, rescuing marriages that have
been attacked. Will you look to Him to rescue you and your
spouse from the sea of strife that is drowning you today?

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory
in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself
restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be
the power for ever and ever. Amen." I Peter 5:10-11

God bless,
Bob Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

WDID--

borrow away--I borrowed it from some one else! I would appreciate your perspective on things on my sitch, if you feel so inclined, too.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[whatdidido]

SMW- I'll check on you soon....I have read some, and am enjoying your attitude and faith.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Thanks, WDID.

I am glad that my strength and faith are inspiring to others. God is truly awesome and I am loving growing in Him and His word.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[GH31]

Those friends you have when having an affair.....in some ways I know I need to let her go, but yet it doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

Yes you need to do it and yes, it's the right thing to do.

If you were a recovering alcoholic you would have to jettison your "friends" who enable you to be a drunk.

I'll bet quitting OM didn't feel right but you knew it was the right thing to do - and it was ... wasn't it?

I got a hang up phone call on Saturday. It prompted me to do a simple search of court records. Sure enough, my OM has a temporary restraining order on him marked domestic violence. I can't believe that was the man I risked my marriage with. I'm not sure who got the order on him...could be a roomate, his ex, a new gf.....man, I was such an idiot.

WhatDidIDo, change your number. Tell your husband about the call, have some respect for him and change your number - and get rid of your enabling friend. By being "friends" with her you are tacitly approving of her behaviour and rubbing it in your husband's face.

Let this parasite go and find another host.

Apologies if I come across as uncompromising and judgmental but tell me if I am factually incorrect.

[whatdidido]

Thanks for the post, GH. No apologies needed.

I see what you are saying about my friend. In fact, I would like to just stop being her friend, but I'm finding it hard. I complain to my husband often about her, I really don't enjoy being around her, but I can't seem to make myself stop talking to her. I keep thinking how I need to be there for her and how if anyone could help her, I could. And yet, I try to talk to her and she just doesn't "get it". I think she may have the BPD that DCBM's wife possibly has.

I have pulled away from her drastically. I don't answer her phone calls most times. I think she is going to move to another city soon and then I will have almost no contact with her. One problem is that her son and my son are friends. So, I see her when they play together.

My husband knows I don't approve of this friend's behavior. So, he doesn't see it as me rubbing it in his face. We have talked about it. She doesn't make me want to have another affair, in fact she does the opposite. I'm so glad I don't have her life.

I decided to let that last phone call from OM go. My H and I were doing well and I didn't want the OM to have that kind of power in my marriage. THat would have been exactly what the OM would have wanted...to stir things up. I said before, I know my H would be understanding about the phone call, but it wouldn't help HIM. I know my H and he would be fine if I didn't tell him and would understand why if he found out. He would see it as me being respectful of him to NOT tell him. I've done enough to wreck our intimacy, I'm not going to do anymore. We are trying to leave the past in the past. If the OM calls again, I will tell my H about the phone calls. Early on, I suggested we get another phone number, but my H didn't want that. Too many people would ask why and there are few who know about my affair.

Update: NOthing too big to update on. My H and I are still working on building the intimacy back.....this will take awhile since we had problems with it way before the affairs. But, we are making headway. I'm distancing myself from the old egf as much as possible. I think less about the OM than before (You would think he wouldn't cross my mind at all, but he still does. Just memories. Good and bad.) I'm still ashamed of what I did and at night it causes sleep problems. All I can think about is what all of my close family and friends would think if they knew what I did. It's hard to be ashamed of myself, I can't imagine having my friends and family ashamed of me. That would kill me. I worry about my soul, too.