Part of it is definitely my closed, controlled nature - I take responsibility for that and am working on it. Schnarch, however, has opened my eyes a bit. My W has been completely closed to intimacy for a long time. My guess is that it is since the death of her father. I have fought against it, pressured her, denied it, etc, but now it has become obvious to me.
My W won't hold hands with me. She won't "make out". She never really touches me except mechanically - ie where I will often rub her back, stoke her arm or run my fingers through her hair trying to establish a connection, she never does anything like that to me. Even though she asks me for massages, she won't reciprocate. When she does it is quick, mechanical and without connection.
When we ML, she won't kiss me, won't look at me, and turns away afterward.
I have been desperate to establish a connection between us and am always disappointed after sex because there is none.
It's no wonder that she say's the sex feels "empty". It is!
I hope that your W takes a journey that includes Schnarch's book, too. My guess is that she desperately wants intimacy, but that she is so afraid of it that she needs the man to lead her through it. I would think that she needs the right combination of being wanted and pursued, feeling safe, and having trust in you. Nothing mindblowing here, as you may have already reached these conclusions... just thinking aloud. If those assumptions are correct, it will take some time for her to want to engage again. She will need to rebuild trust in you, as well as attraction for you (sounds like this has been damaged in the process of the A being uncovered.)
Originally Posted By: Thinker
But she now has become paranoid and says "It creeps me out thinking of you sitting in your office reading all of my mail". I haven't. I don't. But there is nothing I can say that would re-assure her.
So that is a question that I have been struggling with. Either a) she is testing the openness boundary I set with her several months ago, in which case I need to maintain it, or b) she is really freaked out by it and it is driving her away and I need to give it up in order to allow some space to heal.
It is really pitting two of my N.U.T.s against one another: - I trust people - I expect those who I love to be open and honest with me.
Your N.U.T. about trusting people isn't specific enough. She broke your trust. That is proven. So, you are allowed to go through some recovery and have some slip ups during that recovery based on feeling betrayed, disillusioned, bewildered, shattered...
Though you are married and cohabitating, she is still "over there." I would recommend that you continue to treat her as a girl that you are hoping to date, not as the man you used to be, but as the man who has read MWD, Glover, Schnarch... She needs time to let her guard down and warm up to you.
