Hi Dawn, I really understood your post b/c I have had times in my life when I have felt the same but for me it has been an odd episode,so to live with it continually must be so hard. I guess you have tried other therapies other than drugs, I am thinking maybe life coaching or NLP? I think that may help you more than AD's,which I too think only mask the causes.
I think you also under estimate your good points! As for suicide and your rather strange theory about it not being just your body in a m, well I am not going there but it is not so long ago really when if you took your own life you were not entitled to be buried on consecrated ground- how times have changed thank God. I think it still affects certain insurance policies. I believe that our life is a gift and as such we should live it to the best of our ability. I also believe that God does not make rubbish but I do believe that life, society whatever can do a very good job on corrupting minds. Far to complex an issue for me to get my head around. Recognising all these things is a huge step in the right direction as I guess life must feel an uphill struggle for you most of the time. When I had my x leave I was "ILL" for several years and know how you can think people would be better off without me thoughts, unlike you I have children and all I can say is thank God b/c otherwise I wouldn't be posting to you today. I think at my worst I had a season ticket to intensive care. For me the slow road back to living began with very small things, a bird song, a rainbow in a puddle,lots of time outdoors in quiet and solitude,that somehow reconnected me with life. I don't know the answers I do know that it can and will get better if you want it enough. I am so proud that you can find the voice to say hey this is me-is anybody there? type thing. So check out alternative therapies if you can. Do yoga (a life enhancer for sure)Spend time with your loved ones even if you don't talk much. Surround yourself with positive and funny people,it rubs off. Reach out to those less fortunate, smile at strangers. Make a point of speaking to people you don't know in a queue wherever. Stroke an animal-get a cat or dog or just pet those you see. Never underestimate the power of a touch and smell. Fresh flowers or an oil burner with oil of rose, or lavender are good mood enhancers. OK I am rambling but I hope some ideas may feel worth a go to you. Take care.
