I'm not sure why you are so tied to your old POV that hasn't really gotten you anywhere. You have multiple women telling you that I am getting at something, yet you keep saying no no no. You have W telling you that the A taught her that she was a sexual person. You have a W yearning to exit the M so that she can be free. You have a W who was taught by society, and even moreso by her family evidently, that a good wife/mother is not sexual.
Just suppose I am right. If so, there is NO WAY your W will tell you this stuff. She's come about as close as she is able. It was HARD for her to write that letter, so hard she is emotionally exhausted and is shutting down because you still couldn't hear her.
Talking is not the answer. I don't think W COULD tell you what turns her on, or what she wants, or what her fantasies are right now. IF she could, she'd already have a lot more of the sexual freedom and a more robust sexual identity that she seeks. Creating a context in which she has some space for some sexual freedom is worth trying. I gave you suggestions on how you might do so. That you don't like my particular example of direction is no reason not to try the strategy in general. Pick something that is more your style.
But, food for thought. Consider your discomfort and lack of enthusiasm for a sexual performance that wouldn't be authentic for you. Now, suppose that was how sex always was for you -- an inauthentic performance... How often would you really want sex? What if I am right that that is what sex is like for your W once she is back in the wife/mother role?
How does it hurt to shift you mindset and operate under that assumption for a bit to try to help her and you? Operating under your current wife is asexual/frigid mindset has gotten you pretty much nowhere and is at odds with what all the women here are seeing and hearing in your W's actions and words.
And, if my XH had used keyloggers and bugged my phone, he would not have gained a clue about me sexuality because I was so repressed in that old inauthentic role I couldn't even google what I would have liked to have googled.
What do you lose? Let your male sexual ego take the hit and try on a different mindset.
