Hey lan, things seem to be going in the right direction. If I may, try not to force too many of these realtionship talks too quickly. It is nice that she just wanted to hear your voice today.....very nice.
I am so behind and I have let you down. I am sorry for that. I get involved with the Newcomers and don't "forget" about my friends who are in Piecing, but get sidetracked with trying to support too many at one time. Anyway, enough excuses.
I was really sad to hear that the wife has been at it again. I saw you using a term that Puppy uses when talking about his wife and stitch......that word being a cycle. He talks about his wife and the cycles of A's. That is..........amazing (for a lack of better wording). Really wished I was a phy major b/c that is interesting to know that people do that. I don't mean to sound insensitive to your problem, sweetie. I do want you to know that I have always been as proud as if I were your mother by the way you have stood by this M and tried so hard to make it work. I am not saying anything new, b/c I have told you this often.
I believe I recall telling you something else a long time ago. That you need to call her out on every BS that she says or does and not allow it to pass by ignored or to go by any length of time before you bring it up.
Now, I'm going to say something and it may not come out like I mean it to sound, okay? Lan, you are a "nice guy". I think it may be time to stop being a nice guy to your wife! Am I talking about abusing her or mistreating her in any way? Of course not! I am talking about being nice as long as she is cooperating and not pulling BS. However, the second she starts with the BS......let her have it in a tough love -- no nonsense way. Let her know that you are not putting up with it any longer. When she saw you were ready to call it quits.....what did she do? Right! So, that is why I said to be tough and call her on the spot and not take one thing off of her. You can do that without being a jerk, but you may "feel" like a one b/c I don't think it is your nature to be tough acting all the time. Which, hopefully, you will not have to be that way all the time, but as I told you before.....some women almost have to be treated as if they are the child and you are the daddy. Lord knows that I hate it with a passion when my H talks to me as if he was my father! So, I am certainly not one of those women! However, (and I am probably not making fans with the females, here), I do think there are a few women who need that strict environment.....treatment.....whatever word you want to use. I may be just as wrong as wrong can be, but if I were you.....that would be my LRT. Tough love!
BTW, did you get proof that she has stopped the contact with the co-worker?
I don't understand these "cycles" that I have recently heard some LBH's speak about. It is like a person who tried to break their drug addition falls off the wagon and goes back to their old habits. It is kind of scary. I sure hope something like that does not happen to me! I do believe it is a "choice" so I think that we have to decide that we will or won't, but the temptation must be strong. It has given me something to think about.
Well, I always wish you happiness.....you know that. I will check back in and see what is going on. Even if I don't post, I'll be reading.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for dropping by, there is no need to feel as though you have let me down as I know you are very busy on these boards and lets face it there are others who need your help more than me.
I think I am now putting into practice your advice of where if I see W doing something wrong I call her out on it. This latest stuff with the co worker, would have probably left me fretting for ages on what to do, but I just told her I knew what was going on, and for a "big a**ed grown woman" she should know better. Then I left it up to her to sort it out. W actually put up a strong case to defend her position based on me invading her privacy, and her right to have male friends. But I just told her I wasn't interested and if she wanted to follow that route then I just wanted to talk about dividing assests and co parenting guidelines.
W has not given me any assurances about not contacting the co worker, but assurances or not I could never tell if she was telling me the truth anyway. But I guess as far as all that stuff is concerned the excitement is far less now that they have been exposed, also the OM knows that if our paths cross I'll have more a few words to say to him. W has not been on the computer since then but if to people want to talk there are always other methods. The bottom line here is the trust between us has not been restored (probably never has been).
So at the moment W wants to spend more time with me, in fact I get the impression she wants me to lavish her with all my time and 100% attention and in that time she wants me to treat her as a princess. Her birthday day being a point in case. She also says that to lead to intimacy I need to woo her more, I take that as another one of her stalling tatics but I go along with it for now. So we keep trying, I am looking to see how we break the cycle but in actual fact I'm sure that W keeps creating that cycle to keep our R at a certain point.
Lan, It seems to me you are also keeping that cycle going!
- You threaten to call it quits if she contacts OM - She threatens to be with the OM if you don't "woo" her.
So you "woo" her and when you are stressed to the limit "wooing" things begin to fall apart; she goes back to OM and the cycle starts again. Do you see how you are turning the crank?
Be a BAMF!
PS. I could be wrong but I thought I throw this out in case it helps.
Lanzo, Good luck in trying to break the cycle you've described. Maybe you can play some role with accountability and being direct about it, in getting her to commit to addressing her issues. It will need to go beyond a policing role though, for the cycle to stop. She will need to commit to managing the compulsion to have an EA.
Do you have any sense of where her commitment level is with healing the M, and restraining herself from engaging in an EA/PA? You seem to be working much harder than she is.
If there is no commitment on her part to change, than there will be little you can do to break the cycle. I can't make my W quit smoking.
Think creating boundaries versus trying to control your W's misbehavior. If you're going to give ultimatums, you better be prepared to follow-thru. Think of DB as an Al-Anon group for the LBS to cope with the addictive personality of the WAS.
This is where personal choice comes into play. Where do you set the boundary for yourself, in terms of how much you invest into the M, how much contact you have with your W, or pursuing the ultimate boundaries of separation and D?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Just catching up as not on so much these days. Got a few people I'd like to see til the end tho and you are one of them.
Your making progress buddy, I can see that, but I'm still not sure what your W is putting into this ??? It's all about what she wants still. What do you want ? what have you asked W for ? (and I dont just mean rumps there!!!).
This evening falling asleep thing, there must be something you can do. How's about one night, maybe a weekend night, you have an early tea then let your W go to bed for a couple of hours then get up and spend a few with you ???? Just a suggestion as 30 mins cuddling a night when you have the time to rebuild your marriage is never going to be enough.
Just my thoughts, but I feel that Lan has worked very hard on this R without much help for his W. Sadly, she still has the mind of a WAW. When she feels that her H is invading her privacy.....that is a dead give-away. Also, the fact she feels she should have male friends is not good. I know I'm from the old school and many people see no harm in it, but when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex that does not include your spouse and it is kept secret......that is wrong and asking for serious problems. Any S that would put up with that is nuts!
T feel that Lan's patient has been tried over and over and he has reached that place that he is not bluffing when he tells W that she either stops the EA or he is out of there. It seems when he gets tough and uses this no-nonsense approach with her, she knows she better get her act together or else. It seems to draw her out of her inappropriate actions for a while, but then she is addicted to the attentions of other men! As long as she is working in an environment where it is so easy to have an EA with the opposite sex, I think it will be a threat until she can get to a place that she no longer "craves" that inapporpriate attention from men or will work hard to have enough discipline to control not act on her desires. Frankly, I don't know if she is going to want to work on the M as much as she craves to have attention from other men. I am concerned that there will always be another man in the wings. I was hoping that if the was a MLC thing, she would pull out of it and things would start getting better. But, she keeps slidding back into that old pattern.
She apparently still loves Lan and "wants" him or she would choose to walk away. This falling asleep and and not having sex.........I don't know if that is something she can avoid or if it is games. I have tried to give her the benifit of doubt, but I don't know.....
She is telling Lan what she "needs" for him to do for her, but what is she doing for him? I bet if she discovered that he was interested or "looking" at another woman--we would see a complete turn around in this story! If bet she would be as jealous as anyone ever thought about. She wants Lan, but she want the amiration of other men and the "fantasy" with them.
I am just putting thoughts on paper b/c I think it certainly would take a professional to figure this all out. If Lan just knew if this was a MLC that she would eventually pull out of or if it is a "hopeless" case of her being in a downward spiral of one man after the other.....then he could make a decision about what to do and if that was to move on and make a life for himself, then he could stop knocking his brains out trying to make this all work.
Sorry if I pulled you down, sweetie, b/c you know that is not my intentions. I have tried to encourage you for a long time now, but my patient with your W is about to run out and all I can say is that you are quite the man to endure what you have! I just hope she will grow up and start being the wife you deserve!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
<< Frankly, I don't know if she is going to want to work on the M as much as she craves to have attention from other men.
<< This falling asleep and and not having sex.........I don't know if that is something she can avoid or if it is games.
<< She is telling Lan what she "needs" for him to do for her, but what is she doing for him?
<< "...it certainly would take a professional to figure this all out"
Lan, Having followed you very closely for over a year this is exactly what I seem to make of it too. It may be now or never to insist that she seek professional help or the cycle will repeat.
