Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[Thinker]

Hi Lucky,

You mentioned that you don't agree that the passion was empty, but I would believe that she is telling you her true opinion. For her, it felt empty.

BUT. I would give the "empty passion" comment fair weight and some serious exploration. How can you have deep, rich passion and intimacy if you are closed and controlled (as we have discussed before?)

This was a bit of a typo. I meant to say that I don't disagree that it is empty. In other words I AGREE. The sex has been empty, perfunctory, mechanical - you name it.

Part of it is definitely my closed, controlled nature - I take responsibility for that and am working on it. Schnarch, however, has opened my eyes a bit. My W has been completely closed to intimacy for a long time. My guess is that it is since the death of her father. I have fought against it, pressured her, denied it, etc, but now it has become obvious to me.

My W won't hold hands with me. She won't "make out". She never really touches me except mechanically - ie where I will often rub her back, stoke her arm or run my fingers through her hair trying to establish a connection, she never does anything like that to me. Even though she asks me for massages, she won't reciprocate. When she does it is quick, mechanical and without connection.

When we ML, she won't kiss me, won't look at me, and turns away afterward.

I have been desperate to establish a connection between us and am always disappointed after sex because there is none.

It's no wonder that she say's the sex feels "empty". It is!

you can't force her to be transparent with you

Right. I think that right now she is allowing transparency because I forced the issue when I exposed the EA 3 months ago. She agreed to tell me her passwords and not change them, and so far she has stuck to that, probably because she knows I would get angry if she changed them.

I was happy. I thought it was a step toward openness and reconciliation.

But she now has become paranoid and says "It creeps me out thinking of you sitting in your office reading all of my mail". I haven't. I don't. But there is nothing I can say that would re-assure her.

So that is a question that I have been struggling with. Either a) she is testing the openness boundary I set with her several months ago, in which case I need to maintain it, or b) she is really freaked out by it and it is driving her away and I need to give it up in order to allow some space to heal.

It is really pitting two of my N.U.T.s against one another:
- I trust people
- I expect those who I love to be open and honest with me.