Stress, WAW and life in general III

[AJM]

Thanks MB. It went pretty well. I decided if I was going to date her, I was going to do it right. Except for the kissing on the first date part. I didn't start that though

I picked her up at 7:30 and took her to a nice French restaurant here in Raleigh. It was excellent. Better than expected. The food. The date was better too. The only downsides to it were when she got on me about using crude speech (it was - she was right, but her approach was not appreciated). I stared at her while she said it over and over and let her have her say about it. I listened nicely and after she finally said it was all she had to say (Forrest?) I told her Ok. We moved on in the conversation. We talked about things we'd like to do and places we'd like to go. I'd basically like to go everywhere. She got defensive and asked me why now? Why do you want to travel now? I told her the truth. Most of it as it turns out anyway. I told her because the kids are old enough now. What I later thought of is that it is also because I do not have to worry about her and her school any more. I put off a lot of the travel while she was in school pursuing her dreams. I don't have to do that anymore. In fact, I'm being kicked in the head and told not to. Ok. I won't.

I dropped her off at her apt later and was a gentleman and walked her to her door. She asked if I wanted to come inside, but I declined (first date). She was pretty tired looking anyway and so was I.

I was thinking about something else though this morning. A week or so ago she said she thought mc was really helpful and that she felt that we would have divorced long ago if not for that and because the two of us aren't quitters.

I would not consider myself a quitter if I walked away today. When I think about it, she walked away over a year ago. The bomb didn't happen until about 6 months ago. Been a fight ever since. But that's not to say I would walk away with any regrets. I have none at this point.

What keeps me then? I do truly love my wife and do want an intimate relationship with her. I may be crazy, but to be honest I do love her. The core her. Some of the bs that is going on I hate. I do not like that I am not, and have not been a priority in her life for quite some time. Over a year. That leaves me angry and feeling betrayed. But that's not really important at this point. Because if there is no future, then the past is irrelevant to me.

Anyway, I left her a rose at the house (she's picking up son later today to stay the night. Daughter is at an overnight field trip with the school) and a note telling her thanks I really enjoyed it and would love to do it again. She sent me an email this morning telling me the same basic thing, so it kind of took the wind from my sails. I should hate her for that (not really - that's just humor).

Looking forward to some time by myself. I feel like too much as gone by and I haven't had the time to do anything with it.

Still need a break.

AJ

[aliveandkicking]

Wow, are you on your game or what???

Why did it "take the wind out of [your] sails" when she mirrored your feelings about the evening?

You declined the invitation in...good for you.

The "why do you want to x now?," interesting question, I get that so much.

You feel that you haven't been a priority, I feel the same way and somehow even though my life has been revolving around H's needs, career etc. somehow he feels that way too. Maybe my resentment permeated our interactions so much that he couldn't experience the loving and supportive me that was there so much of the time. Not sure about your sitch but it seems that it is a cycle, you've resented being second fiddle for so long and she experienced that as rejection...not sure, just speculating.

I think being open to the "no future" prospect is the ace in your pocket. Still, from my vantage point, the future seems very plausible.

Good stuff AJ. Very inspiring.

[Sam1007]

alive,

I think AJ left the note at the house for her to see this afternoon and she emailed him this morning, so she will see the note after she's already emailed him those thoughts. But I think she will realize that he left it this morning when he left for work, so I think he still has some wind in the sails!

I do not like that I am not, and have not been a priority in her life for quite some time.

You feel that you haven't been a priority, I feel the same way and somehow even though my life has been revolving around H's needs, career etc. somehow he feels that way too. Maybe my resentment permeated our interactions so much that he couldn't experience the loving and supportive me that was there so much of the time. Not sure about your sitch but it seems that it is a cycle, you've resented being second fiddle for so long and she experienced that as rejection...not sure, just speculating.

I think you guys may be on to something. Maybe that's what's happened in my sitch also. After my W opened her shop, I felt at the bottom of her priority list. No more time to do anything with me, and to some extent, the kids. It's getting a little better and she does spend some time with the kids, and also with me now.

And, like AJ, I do love my W very much. And having young kids really makes things difficult in this sitch.

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks Sam, I totally missed that. Ya, it seems a little romantic to me that they both felt that way and expressed it, especially if she knows the note was left there prior to the email. All good there.

Both partners feeling like last priority is so sad to me. My H and I just kept missing each other...it is really sad.

[AJM]

You're correct Sam.

Yep, not feeling like a priority is something that as I go back and see, I realize is a problem. A big problem. I realize she is busy with school. The same school I encouraged her to go to and that I have committed to support her with.

"These colors never run" echoes in my head. However, I am slowly starting to see that I may not want her back in my life as anything more than the former Mrs. I'm wrestling with the idea that I love her but may not want to have her back in my life as a trusted part of it.

Time will tell on that. Meanwhile, things to do! I have a busy day, so I'll check in later in the weekend.

Be good!

AJ

[Coach]

Not feeling like a priority means one of your LLs is Quality Time. You probably show her love by making time, planning things and "doing nothing" together. Find out her LLs and show her love back in her terms and watch what happens. If your W was to say let's go away for the weekend and just relax how would you feel (besides shocked) ? You are now her priority and you feel loved by her. Give her the love she needs with no expectations because it is good for you. You can handle it.
Cheers

[AJM]

Thanks Coach. If she wanted to go away for the weekend, I'd go at this point. Tomorrow might be a different story, but I'm not able to see that far into the future at this point. My resentment is clouding my vision. I'm working through that, because it offers me nothing. I know that.

You are correct. My LL is quality time. Always has been. Her's has historically been as well and also actions.

Time to revisit that evaluation I suppose. I still need a break

Thanks for stopping by.

AJ

[AJM]

UPDATE:
My mindset is moving around pretty quickly. I suspect this is grief I'm feeling because I oscillate between anger, sadness, and happiness and sometimes all at once.

I'm asking myself the question: if she did want to come back, would I want her? Why do I ask myself that question? Because I do not know that I want to spend my life with somebody that does what she has done to me.

So why do I stay? Because I don't know that what she's done was done by her or to her. What I mean by that is that the crisis of last year - was it that debilitating that she had no choice? If so, then in sickness and in health keeps me staying at this point. I am a man that sticks to my commitments come hell or high water

Don't get me wrong - I do love her. I just am questioning if I am ready to move on without her and just remember her for the good times instead of now. I am not sure I'm in love with her any longer. In fact, I sometimes really look for reasons to not have to see her.

Other times, I'd love to hear from her. I suspect that's what it's like when they're gone hence the thoughts that it may be grieving and healing.

Either way, I'm tired of putting up the BS. I'm putting up with less and less of it regardless. She seems surprised by that, but it is what it is.

More later.

AJ

[aliveandkicking]

I don't think this is a question of love, but of living. What kind of life do you want to live.

Obviously, I know how tough it is. I'm glad you have the mindset you do, you are in a very empowered position.

[mindfull]

AJ -

I can't imagine the change in your household right now.

Are the kids doing ok?
Are both of you living up to the terms of the separation agreement?

I hope you're finding some time/way to relax. I know it's hard to clear your mind, so if you come up with a way, let me know!

We're with ya!