*the fact that she's told you in her letter that she feels the need to be "free" (translates to: have MIND BLOWING sex)
....
She wants mind blowing sex, Puppy. To me that is obvious. Also, YOU CAN give it to her, which is what some of us are trying to say. She thinks she has to seek it elsewhere, but she's wrong...and if you can BOTH drop your armour and see this, there is hope of a whole new sex life.
She may not admit to mb-ing...but she is "doing herself" all the time, mentally. She wishes someone else was also "doing" her! She loved it last weekend when YOU "did" her...
The affair was all about validation, not sex. After not getting my needs met for years, I finally stopped complimenting her and telling her how beautiful she is, stopped pursuing her, and it was that lack of PURSUIT that killed her.
Her obsession with youth/appearance can just as easily be described by NPD, of which she has nearly ALL of the indicators.
"The Cougar" (I'm assuming you are referring to the one time she's watched the program (and she hasn't watched it since) is also all about a woman having a bunch of other, younger men, tell her how youthful, beautiful and sexy she is. I have no doubt that this is also what my wife wants, but I'm disagreeing that she wants a bunch of actual SEX*.
I'm not sure how you're making the leap from this:
Quote:
I want to explain the "fear' I said I have. We talked the other night at the restaurant, and we mentioned how I went from living with my parents to getting married and living with you. I have NEVER had time to find out who Susan really is. I was, Susan, the daughter who lived at home, to becoming, Susan the wife, and then Susan the mother. I missed going away to college and living on my own and learning what it's like to just be "me". I feel like that is the part that causes my restless nature. It has nothing to do with not loving you, but everything to do with trying to find myself. When kids go away to school, they really learn what they are made of and learn so many of life's lessons. It helps them to grow and become the person they are to be someday. It teaches them confidence. When they are finally ready to comitt to someone in marriage, they are truly ready to give up the single life and live alongside someone. I wish so bad that I had gone away when I was younger, or lived by myself for awhile. Maybe it wouldn't be coming back to haunt me now. Although divorce was scarey, I have to admit that I was looking forward to being a single person so that I could experience what I didn't when I was younger (and I was also sad because I didn't want to be away from you and at times the kids). I'm totally letting things all out to you here, so I hope you don't take it personally or get upset by what I say in this email. Paul, what scares the hell out of me, is that while I do love you, and I love our family and don't want to split up the family, I honestly don't know if I will ever NOT feel like this. If I don't have the "experience" I missed long ago, and never truly find out who I am, will I ever feel content and happy? Or will this feeling just continue to creep in and once again show its ugly head? Maybe a counselor can help me to get a handle on these feelings, I don't know.
to
"*the fact that she's told you in her letter that she feels the need to be "free" (translates to: have MIND BLOWING sex)"
*I asterisk the above because I DO think that it bothers her that she's NOT a sexual person, and to feel like she's somehow "broken." She told me that her affair helped her to know that "that part of me was still there." With an NPD, it is all about the IMAGE, and it bothers her that anyone knows that we don't have a good sex life. I believe strongly that if she could safely project an image of being a youthful, beautiful, sexy woman, and have me (and/or other men) tell her constantly that she is, and NOT have to bother having sex more than once in a long while . . . that she would be perfectly happy.
In fact I have a 25 year marital track record that demonstrates just that. My wife wants to be CHASED; that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be CAUGHT.
Then again, I could be all wrong, and maybe I don't know this woman at all.
Sorry to intrude but please could you have a look at my posts over the weekend as I would like some feedback. It is my Anticipation thread on Newcomers
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
do you flirt with your wife through text messaging?
its my observation that wifes wanting to be pursued enjoy and respond to messages flying back and forth throughout the day of innuendos, comments on how "youthful, beautiful and sexy she is" and references to sex.
p.s they expect to get caught. sometimes. its just depends on HOW and how long you are willing to chase. and decide that, right. just need to be able to read her mind.
do you flirt with your wife through text messaging?
its my observation that wifes wanting to be pursued enjoy and respond to messages flying back and forth throughout the day of innuendos, comments on how "youthful, beautiful and sexy she is" and references to sex.
its definitely chasing.
SM
Yes. She seems to enjoy it, and will flirt back, but then when night rolls around, she falls asleep on the couch and isn't as responsive.
So she likes the chase, she loves the attention. Now you have two keys to your puzzle.
(Third key) So what was different with OM? Was the s*x different with him? Or did she only wanted to be chased by him as well?
Fourth key, what else turns her on? You mentioned the 'Cougar' show. Well, what about it exactly that turns her on? Is it because the women in the show are strong, confident, sexy? Does she want to be like them, to feel like them? If so, how can you act so that she feels strong, confident and sexy? Does she fantasize about being the pursuer?
Until you have a conversation (I mean heart-to-heart) it seems you are just guessing. It's OK but it's taking an awful lot of time. If she doesn't know what turns her on, then it seems you need to explore together. If she does know and trusts you to be kind, not laugh at her suggestions and maybe give it a shot, then you're on your way.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
