Read the DB books last spring when my W told me ILYBINILWY message. Had a crummy summer, but the DB books and the coaches helped me throught it and in the fall, we had a wonderful reconcilliation. Never been more in love with my W for the past 6 months.
2 months ago something changed, almost like someone flipping a switch. Tried to look inside to see if I had relapsed and yes, I had started to go back to some of my old ways and again am focused on those things. In any case I asked W if something had changed, that I had noticed she had changed and was wondering what was up. Her answer was that she was stressed from work, kids, etc...
OK, understand, I'll continue to be supportive. But I also expected her to notice that I noticed and maybe change her attitude toward me. Nothing. Two weeks ago, I asked again (via letter) about what had changed between us - told her specifically what I was seeing (no interest in sex, no longer hugging me back when I hug her, no longer wanting to hold hands while watching TV). And one more thing - which now i realize is the most damning. I aksed her if going back on the pill is impacting her feelings and since she is possibly pre-menopausal, could that be the issue. Note that I had a vasectomy 15 years ago. No need for birth control on my end, but I know her sister has issues with her period and the doctor suggested the pill to reduce cramping. This is what I was expecting. But still a huge red flag. Still not expecting an affair - thought it was more just between us and lack of focus on making our M work.
Still no response. Nothing. She's still home, sleeps in the same beg, kisses me goodnight (although not every night), but still no sex, no hugging back, nothing changed.
Now My Bad - I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did. Found out about the affair. Not sure where it is at, still a EA or if it has moved to a PA, but now that she decided to be on the pill I'm more convinced about a PA. Texting between them 20-30x a day for the past 2 months. Phone calls. Possible sexting. Lying to me about what she is doing, where she is going. Same activities as last spring, but in my mind more advanced - last spring it was just a EA, but still the lying, etc... which I caught her doing a couple of times.
I undertsnad the addiction part of affairs. I'm going to talk to my coach this week again. I know I need to continue to be a great dad and continue to work on me.
OM is a mutual friend currently going through a decision on if he wants a divorce. His W had a PA (might still be), and it has been a loveless marriage for at least 5 years. My wife has been helping his wife through her issues with he PA. Still not sure how my W and OM hooked up, and I don't need to know. All our friends would be shocked if this came out.
I'm really torn here on what to do. It's eating me up inside. I've quit checking the texting, etc... but by not at least ackowledging it, I fell as though I am lying to myself by continuing on as though nothing is going on. But maybe that is the right course. Stop the hugs, kisses, etc... but no acknowledgment of what I know.
My question then is this: do I completely ignore the fact that I know about the affair? Or do I ackowledge the affair, with some statement like "I know about you and XXXX and I'll be here when you want to talk about it". Or do I flat out accuse her and give the the ultimatum (i know that's bad) "end it or move out".
I'm really torn here on what to do. It's eating me up inside. I've quit checking the texting, etc... but by not at least ackowledging it, I fell as though I am lying to myself by continuing on as though nothing is going on. But maybe that is the right course. Stop the hugs, kisses, etc... but no acknowledgment of what I know.
My question then is this: do I completely ignore the fact that I know about the affair? Or do I ackowledge the affair, with some statement like "I know about you and XXXX and I'll be here when you want to talk about it". Or do I flat out accuse her and give the the ultimatum (i know that's bad) "end it or move out".
My vote would be for NONE of those.
I believe you confront, and say something along the lines of "I love you, and have shown you my commitment and my re-dedication to our marriage. But I will absolutely not live in an open marriage, and especially cannot live with a wife who is lying to me. I know all about you and ______, and you're a grown woman and I can't tell you what to do. All I CAN tell you is, I'm not willing to live in a marriage with a third person in it."
And then detach.
To ignore it is, I sense, violating your own sense of personal integrity. To issue an ultimatum is controlling. To just continue to be the "nice guy" is demeaning and emasculating, and she will continue to "cake-eat," getting some of her physical and emotional needs met by her boyfriend, and some of her other emotional and financial needs met by you. She will never have to really make a choice.
Did your wife ever really get to the bottom of why she would turn to someone else when her marriage was having problems? Unless she did -- and does -- the chances of serial adultery are very high, unfortunately.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Thank you. Makes perfect sense and I will do that.
I am concerned about her self destructive behavior, especially the affairs. Seems related to a MLC. Not sure. I asked her to go to counseling before and she said she would but never did. Things improved dramatially, then the relapse. Best thing about now is that I am stronger, more determined and know so much more than the first time. I am confident in me. I hope she can see that and will decide she needs to know why she continues to do what she does.
I just recently found out about my H and what he was doing behind my back. He was sexting with other woman, had profiles on sex search websites, and what got him in trouble was he started asking my sister (she is bisexual and open about her sexuality and he knew it)to have a 3 some and one on one sessions with her (She contacted me immediatly and together we trapped him into admitted that he was cheating on me and having 3 somes with other women),
Anyway my point here is, that part of the allure of the affair, I think, is the possibility of getting caught. Kinda like going parking, you always wonder if someone will catch you but it's fun to do it anyway. You need to confront her and get it out there that you know what is happening behind your back, how you feel about it, and maybe what will happen if she does not quit. Let her know that you do not agree with an open relationship and if that is what she wants then she will lose YOU in the procces.
I did not give my H an opportunity to come clean or to give me his side of the story before I filed for a D and he was served. He has since then voiced how I 'betrayed' him for not talking to him. (Oh well he betrayed me)
If you never say anything to her about what you know then it will eat at you everyday and it will be you that hurts more than she will. If you let her know that you know what is going on and she sees the pain that this is causing you, then it is her that has to live with the pain of it everyday of what she is doing.
Don't let her think that she is getting away with the allur of the affair.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Again, thank you for the great advice. I was getting wishy-washy about it all again, since she was engaging with me this weekend (no sex, but engaged with me and our kids activities). I kept thinking about waiting until after my daughters HS graduation and open house, but talked myself out of that stupid plan. I've been working on my "speech" over the weekend and will talk to her tonight.
Curious about the reply to keep snooping - that's the opposite of what I am seeing her, in the books and on other threads. Wondering why? Do I need the details? I'm not sharing what I know - just that I know. Just wondering about why to keep snooping, that's all. Thanks
The gathering of good intel ("snooping") has its place, in my opinion. It can be valuable when:
a) trying to determine initially what you're dealing with -- an affair, a MLC, or just an unhappy spouse?
b) trying to confirm "no contact" once it's been agreed to by both parties are part of a reconciliation;
c) trying to gather evidence for a legal proceeding if you are in a "fault" state and your marriage doesn't look like it's going to make it.
Beyond that, it will only drive you batty.
I think you already know what you're dealing with here, and you should tell your wife that you know. Do NOT, under any circumstances, tell her HOW you know -- never reveal the source(s) of your intel. If she asks you how you know, just tell her that you do, and that it needs to stop -- that you won't live in an open marriage.
To answer your question, yes, this view is in what I would estimate to be about a 35/65 or 40/60 minority around here. It depends on whether or not, emotionally, you think you can handle the truth, but I would much rather be DEALING with the truth, than left to trying to guess based on a wayward spouse's erratic behavior.
