I want to give you props for all of the hard work you are doing. The only thing you have control of is yourself. Keep reading Schnarch!
You can't force her to have a certain opinion of you and you can't force her to be transparent with you. In a healthy R, trust and transparency simply exist. There isn't an urge to monitor your spouse's every move. It is understandable that you have the urge to spy, because your R is rocky. But, focusing on her is giving you pain and grief. So, whatever you do, try to get back to focusing on you.
I might assume that her and OM's comments about your sexuality are their guess at why she feels that the passion is empty. It is a cheap and easy way to blame it on you. OM had no place to state any opinions whatsoever.
So, I would disregard their foolish attempt at finding an explanation for the empty passion. It was your W's job to talk to you about this before straying so that you could figure it out together. You mentioned that you don't agree that the passion was empty, but I would believe that she is telling you her true opinion. For her, it felt empty.
BUT. I would give the "empty passion" comment fair weight and some serious exploration. How can you have deep, rich passion and intimacy if you are closed and controlled (as we have discussed before?)
You did enough in reassuring her of your preferences and of your intent. I would let her sit with that and move back to reading and introspection for now.
