H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Now that I have posted to a bunch of other threads, I'll put something on my own...

Trapt and SC, thanks for checking in and posting to me! I do appreciate it!

Yes, Trapt, I am thrilled about the magazine exposure, thank you! Despite being in what some people consider "fly-over" territory here in the midwest, I've even gotten an inquiry from England! Now if I can just get the $%^&* website fully operational...

(Warning: If you hate pity parties and gloom and doom, better skip the rest of this post.)

SC, yes, all of the ADs are long out of my bloodstream by now. I went off cold turkey, which I should know better than to do by now. I had a hard time for a while when the levels were going down. Since I came off of them, I mostly feel sort of neutral...not "dead" emotions as some get when on AD's (I have experienced that once or twice), but not particularly happy or sad either, mostly. I cry more than I did on the AD's, so I guess overall I feel worse, but I'm not having frequent major down times. Of course, when one is on AD's, it's hard to remember what it was like without them, and vice versa.

I've been at least mildly suicidal for almost 30 years now, so I'm pretty accustomed to that kind of thoughts. I'm still alive, after all. Lately I have begun thinking of the suicidal urges a little differently, although I don't know how much this will help you if you aren't of a certain religious bent. There's a verse in one of the letters in the New Testament (I'd have to look up the reference) that talks about how a married person (whether husband or wife) doesn't have exclusive say over their own body, because their spouse has certain rights regarding it. The context has to do with sex--namely, that spouses shouldn't withhold conjugal rights from each other--but I was thinking about it in terms of suicide. If you look at it a certain way, my rights to my body don't extend to killing myself, because that would infringe on my H's rights to my body...and I'm not just talking about sex. (The fact that he is already violating my rights to his body by having sex with someone else instead of me is irrelevant to this topic of discussion.) I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, especially since I can't quote the exact reference (I will look it up if someone asks me to), but I figure that the people who care about me will be happy if I find another reason not to kill myself, no matter how wacky they think the reason is!

Another huge insight regarding suicide that has occurred to me recently: a noteworthy part of the problems I have had all along, including a lot of problems with my H, is that I have never truly committed myself to NOT committing suicide. I've been wrestling with this idea a great deal over the last few weeks. I did once promise to H not to follow through on those impulses, long ago when he insisted, but I later explained to him that I wasn't sure I could keep that promise. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, or dishonorable, or just as deserving of contempt as someone who goes back on their marriage vows--I hope not. I don't blame H for getting upset about it, then and later, but what was I supposed to do, lie to him? No, I won't do that, even now...but I don't say much to him about what I'm thinking or feeling, because I don't think it would help anything or anyone.

Anyway, I've always had suicide in reserve, mentally, as my escape clause for when things get really bad, and I don't just mean in what I say to H or to other people--I don't mention it often, and never to H any more, although he sometimes talks about being concerned about my suicidal tendencies, at which time I just listen. If I could reassure him, I would, but I don't think he believes anything I say anyway, and I don't really feel right about telling him I'm different regarding the suicide thing now, since I'm not completely sure I am. Since the age of 13, I have NEVER, that I remember, felt that I or the world would definitely be better off if I stayed alive. During the bad times I was sure it would be better for me and everyone else for me to be dead. During better times it has been more a feeling of, "Wait and see if something happens that makes your life worth continuing to live." Well, I'm still waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Is it any surprise that I never wanted to have children? _I_ don't want to be alive, so why would I inflict that on anyone else?

Is this making any sense? My H has said that he simply cannot understand this mindset, and he would go through any amount of pain, physical or emotional, rather than die...so I suspect that most people who have never been suicidal will not understand where I'm coming from.

I don't believe in reincarnation. I believe in divine eternal reward and punishment, and I believe I know where I am going when I die (and I'm not sure suicide wouldn't send me to the other place, which is another reason not to do that). But even if I believed there was no afterlife--believed that this life was it, and when we die, that's the end of everything that we are--I think I would still have just as much of a problem with the idea that my being alive is a good thing.

I just don't love myself. I don't think I ever have. I don't even know if it's possible, after so many years of trying to love myself and always failing. Part of me doesn't blame H for walking away from me, because, yeah, yeah, I know, if I don't love myself, how can I expect anyone else to do so? I never understood why he fell in love with me in the first place, so I didn't understand why he stopped, either (although he says he still does, but his actions don't back that up). I was afraid to let him know the real me, for fear it wouldn't be good enough for him. Now I don't know if I just created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And I feel that all of the good I have tried to do in the world is far overshadowed by the drain I have been to it. Good intentions aren't enough. Oh, here's an analogy for you...you know how the research scientists have now decided that the composition of the universe is mostly "dark matter," which is not detectable through visible light, although I don't remember all of of the specs--something like 97%? Well, the way I _feel_ is that my bad qualities and deeds are like the dark matter in proportion to my good ones--not as openly obvious, but much more predominant.

I have a lot of pity parties, and sometimes instead of forcing other people to attend, I just make myself scarce so they aren't subjected to them. Heck, if I knew someone like just like me, I wouldn't want to be her friend; she's a whiner who does nothing but complain and talk about herself.

I've read that most people have a few beliefs that are incompatible with some of the other things they believe. Well, I recognize some of mine. I believe that God is omnipotent, omniscient, loving, and created everything, and it was good. I believe that all things work for the good of those who love God and are called to God's purpose. I also believe that I am a mistake on God's part and never should have been created. I believe that God _does_ make junk, and I'm an example of that (not that I'm saying I'm like him or anything, but does anyone want to make the case that Hitler was part of that "it's all good" concept?). Maybe I should withdraw this part of the discussion; I really don't want to trigger a big argument about religion, especially on my own thread.

I know I have good qualities (which I won't bother listing). I know my bad qualities too (which I also won't bother listing). I know that I am honestly not a significantly worse person than the average. But it's not so much about whether one's character tips to the good side or the bad; it's about how one _feels_ about oneself. I hate myself so much that on my bad days it seems like it's just a matter of time before everyone else hates me too.

One of the reasons I dislike taking the ADs is that it's sort of like using crutches for a permanently unstable knee. The crutches allow you to go about your activities, but they don't actually fix the underlying problem, and they don't actually allow you to function the way you were meant to, without any pain or worry or awkwardness or difficulty. ADs are a kind of crutch, although I don't see anything wrong with using crutches when needed. I recommend ADs to people all the time. But they don't actually fix what's truly wrong. And I hate taking drugs, especially for the long term.

My gosh, I am getting sick of listening to myself whine. And just think...this is one of my "neutral" days, not a bad one!

I now expect to be beating off a flurry of 2x4s saying "get over yourself!" Yeah, working on that. It's a long-term project. I try not to go on and on about how I feel about myself, usually, but I do cherish this board as a place where I can be honest and open to an extent beyond what I can do with people in my RL.

I think that's quite enough for now. Thanks for listening...

Peace,
Dawn