I am still learning the lingo here, so please be patient with me! I am 35, been married to my wife (34) for almost 6 years after knowing each/dating on and off for 10 years. We have a 4 year old son.
My wife failed for legal separation/divorce on April 6. She had brought concerns to me over the past 5 years, which I largely ignored or thought were "her problems" and not my fault. In December, I found out she had talked to a lawyer to file the paperwork, and I begged her not to go though. She agreed, as long as I promised to do marriage counseling and improve things.
I dragged me feet and did not get us the sessions until March. We had a big argument, and a week later in the middle of our 2nd session together she informed me she was done and the legal process had started.
Since then, she agreed to stop the legal separation process as long as we worked out an agreement. We are separated, living in the same house. She is very clear that she has not intent on changing her mind, is at peace with the decision, and feels it is the best thing for her and our son.
When I heard her announce this in the session, it was like a got hit between the eyes with a hammer. It became crystal clear how much I had been blind to over the past years. She had reached out to me many times and I ignored her. I had been selfish and ignorant.
In the past 5 weeks, I have totally changed. I have not pressured her or pursued her (save for a few small slips), and I have not once got angry or argued with anything on the separation. I know she is talking to many friends and building much support, but even though that frustrates me and I feel they are pushing her down this path I am keeping that to myself.
I love her so much, she is the love of my life but I know I have caused us to get to this point. I know she has thought about this for along time and has made the decision to end the marriage. I guess this is now the classic “walk away spouse” situation. I also believe there is now another man in her life, to what extent I am not sure, but there is a relationship there that is filling a void.
With all that is at stake, I do wish she would consider going to counseling with me, to give us "one last chance", but I know she asked me to do so on several occasions and I resisted, so I have lost that chance. I have not asked her once to stop this process she started a few weeks ago. I know I did in December, when I found she had talked to a lawyer. I begged her not to do it, and I was truly scared to lose her. The next couple of months I looked into counseling and tried to "do better" but I dragged my feet and didn't empathize with what was really going on with her. I kick myself, thinking "if only" but I also feel that her doing this a few weeks ago is actually a positive thing. It is like a bolt of lightning to me, a blow to my head that has shattered me and lifted the fog and darkness from me. I am now aware (since starting sessions with a therapist) of issues I have had: depression, anxiety, inferiority/superiority complexes, all things she reached out and tried to help me with but I swatted her away. I truly believe that we could save our marriage and come out of this all stronger, but I also respect that she doesn't feel that way now.
The positive side is the past few weeks we have talked, been more honest, and open about things than a long time. We talked about one or the other moving out, but have agreed that we can remain under the same roof for now during this separation period. I am touched by how she has told me she has been "pleasantly surprised" on how I have taken all of this, and how we have had some good days and time together. There have been some wonderful moments of connection and “old time” stuff, and she says she sees me acting like the man she feel in love and married, but she “knows” it won’t last. She has no trust in me, and she says she cannot risk anymore taking a chance on me. She is completely broken.
So here I am, finding some hope and help within the forums. There are good days and bad days of course. I know I need to thing long term, that I need to be patient and see that happens 5 or 6 months down the road. It is just hard…
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Well, I have had my first major setback. Last night, after having a few drinks and what I thought was a decent enough night with my WAW, I saw she had left her work laptop open and her email up. I read some massages and was shocked to see that she had not been at work that afternoon, but rather had hooked up and got intimate with a co-worker. I was devastated. I knew I should not have snooped, and I knew I should not have said anything to her, but I did.
I just asked her to be honest and tell me what was going on. I told her I understand I have pushed her away and made her seek others out. But of course she didn't want to admit anything. She hinted at the fact that she was not happy with herself and some decisions she has made, but the conversation didn't go very far and she was (of course) upset with me snooping.
This is a major setback, and one that shouldn't have happened if I had stuck to advice here. But I got weak. Now, probably have added a few more nails in my marriage's coffin.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I am so sorry about your sitch. I know how devastating it is, and how your head must be spinning after reading your W's email. You will find lots of help and support on this forum.
Sound like you are keeping a positive attitude. It is hard to do, but it is vital for recovery, both yours and your M.
Me: 48 H: 47 M: 16 years Separated: 4/24/09 3 cats, no kids My Story
Reading all the stories here, it is amazing to see so many cases that are similar, and also hopeful to see cases that were far "worse" than mine yet still found a way to end up positive. I have a ways to go, but I know 1) I need to do things to make ME better and not do them for the sake of the M; 2) I can only control my actions and not the actions of my WAW; 3) be patient - this is a marathon and not a sprint. I remember reading somewhere the idea of a years/month ratio of marriage/healing. If there is any hope, I need to look at it 5 or 6 months down the road. 5 weeks is much to soon to expect anything.
I am telling myself my slips on pursuit and pressure and not a deal breaker; there is still plenty of time to apply DB concepts and get back on track. I hope this is true. I will hold on to that hope.
My W talked to me today, admitted she got into EA since the separation (I do think it likely started before) and that yesterday it went to some level of PA. She said it did not go to the point of sex, and that after whatever happened she told the OM that a PA is not what she wanted. I don't believe her, but my goal now is to not think about this, never bring it up, and just move on from here.
I need to work on giving her space, not chasing and wanting her, I need to do some GAL work, and I need to try and find some 180s that will work for my sitch.
I hope to get more responses in this thread - any advice on what other information I can share to help detail the sitch better?
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Even though this separation period is now at just over 5 weeks (and seems like forever), I feel like today is day 1 in many ways. It is all out there now, what has been said has been said. Now is the day I need to starting living right and executing the DB principles I hope I am picking up.
Just Keep Livin' is where I got my user name, and this I will do...
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I wanted to add some more info on my sitch but don't seem to be able to find how to edit the first post. At any rate, here is some more detail.
Since my W told me she wanted to separate and divorce, we have been starting to put her wishes in motion. We are working on a separation agreement, we are getting out house ready to sell. We are discussing plan on her finding an apartment. I know that any of my DB work is not going to stop these things - these are going to happen within the next few months, too soon for me to expect the stopping of these actions to be a realistic goal.
We are not far from each other in terms of what we want in the agreement. We will have joint legal custody of our S with primary physical custody with her. She says I can be with him as much as I want. We will split assets equally. So there isn't much to debate or argue. I know I just need to go forward with this, make sure it is something I can live with in the future, and hope down the road that we reconcile.
It is tough to start splitting things up so fast, to sell our home of 5 years, etc. I just don't know of anyway to stop that at this point. I do not want to fight her on anything; she will just dig in and be "proved right" that she is doing the best thing. She still says she thinks I will turn on her and fight, but I know in my heart that is not going to happen.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I suppose this is somewhat typical, but the roller coaster that we go through (we being the folks that usually make up this board) is really something else.
Today was a decent day over all, no discussions really of any nature, just normal daily activity. Tonight, W and I read S books at bedtime (long standing nightly routine). One was something we used to read a lot that involved ticking in the narrative. W was reading and S likes to get tickled at times, pretty funny stuff. A few times, W tickled me. What is up with that?!?
It is tough when stuff like that happens, it makes me have hope. I just don't know how to interpret that sort of affectionate, playful behavior...
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
She likes you. Doesn't mean she wont follow through but she still likes being around you, especially because you've been easy going about everything.
I don't know how other people feel about this but, maybe you could ask her to take some space and time before making any big decisions. Again, not sure. Maybe others will chime in.
And yes, I call this existence "purgatory" for a reason. It sucks.
I think in the past few weeks, I have asked her to do that. On one hand, she dismissed the legal action for the legal separation. On the other hand, she is firm on moving forward and has made it clear she is not interested in changing her mind. When I have asked for us to go to counseling, she has replied "why now" and "no, I wanted to before and you didn't so I am not going to now."
It is so strange - she said (when I confronted her about the EA/PA and we discussed it) that doing so is pushing her farther away. She filed for legal separation, how can I push her farther away? I just don't get that - she walked away already!
This week my main goal is to detach more. She is getting everything she wants, the affair, me being the man she used to love, everything smooth at home (for the most part), etc. I need to pull away more and be attractive, as I have read here.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
It is so strange - she said (when I confronted her about the EA/PA and we discussed it) that doing so is pushing her farther away. She filed for legal separation, how can I push her farther away? I just don't get that - she walked away already!
Exactly. A wayward spouse saying that is simply "script" -- it happens in well over 90% of the cases where the cheating spouse is confronted and/or exposed. Affairs are highly addictive, so think of a junkie -- are they going to say "gee, thanks for taking away my stash"???
Nope. Doesn't mean it's still not the right thing to do, tho. Your response needs to be "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I can understand how you'd feel that way," followed by " . . . but I did it to try and save our marriage."
