The affair was all about validation, not sex. After not getting my needs met for years, I finally stopped complimenting her and telling her how beautiful she is, stopped pursuing her, and it was that lack of PURSUIT that killed her.
Her obsession with youth/appearance can just as easily be described by NPD, of which she has nearly ALL of the indicators.
"The Cougar" (I'm assuming you are referring to the one time she's watched the program (and she hasn't watched it since) is also all about a woman having a bunch of other, younger men, tell her how youthful, beautiful and sexy she is. I have no doubt that this is also what my wife wants, but I'm disagreeing that she wants a bunch of actual SEX*.
I'm not sure how you're making the leap from this:
Quote:
I want to explain the "fear' I said I have. We talked the other night at the restaurant, and we mentioned how I went from living with my parents to getting married and living with you. I have NEVER had time to find out who Susan really is. I was, Susan, the daughter who lived at home, to becoming, Susan the wife, and then Susan the mother. I missed going away to college and living on my own and learning what it's like to just be "me". I feel like that is the part that causes my restless nature. It has nothing to do with not loving you, but everything to do with trying to find myself. When kids go away to school, they really learn what they are made of and learn so many of life's lessons. It helps them to grow and become the person they are to be someday. It teaches them confidence. When they are finally ready to comitt to someone in marriage, they are truly ready to give up the single life and live alongside someone. I wish so bad that I had gone away when I was younger, or lived by myself for awhile. Maybe it wouldn't be coming back to haunt me now. Although divorce was scarey, I have to admit that I was looking forward to being a single person so that I could experience what I didn't when I was younger (and I was also sad because I didn't want to be away from you and at times the kids). I'm totally letting things all out to you here, so I hope you don't take it personally or get upset by what I say in this email. Paul, what scares the hell out of me, is that while I do love you, and I love our family and don't want to split up the family, I honestly don't know if I will ever NOT feel like this. If I don't have the "experience" I missed long ago, and never truly find out who I am, will I ever feel content and happy? Or will this feeling just continue to creep in and once again show its ugly head? Maybe a counselor can help me to get a handle on these feelings, I don't know.
to
"*the fact that she's told you in her letter that she feels the need to be "free" (translates to: have MIND BLOWING sex)"
*I asterisk the above because I DO think that it bothers her that she's NOT a sexual person, and to feel like she's somehow "broken." She told me that her affair helped her to know that "that part of me was still there." With an NPD, it is all about the IMAGE, and it bothers her that anyone knows that we don't have a good sex life. I believe strongly that if she could safely project an image of being a youthful, beautiful, sexy woman, and have me (and/or other men) tell her constantly that she is, and NOT have to bother having sex more than once in a long while . . . that she would be perfectly happy.
In fact I have a 25 year marital track record that demonstrates just that. My wife wants to be CHASED; that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be CAUGHT.
Then again, I could be all wrong, and maybe I don't know this woman at all.
