Innis, Lying, check. Affair(s), check, Spending out the wazoo and then whining about finances, check. Refusing to give details about his life, check. Changing his story at every turn, check. Saying you had plenty of chances to deal with whatever he decided was wrong with you/your R, check. Blaming you for everything, check. Selfish ME ME ME behavior, check, check, check.
If you haven't yet, look up "MLC for Dummies," which is somewhere on this site...maybe MLC resources (anyone have a link to it handy?). It's hard to believe, but that little piece may actually make you laugh, even while helping you see that you're not alone. You're getting a lot of the classic garbage behavior from your MLCer, which is no less painful just because there are so many people who have had similar experiences.
Everyone here is blindsided at first. We all ask ourselves what happened to the person we married, who this new and morally bankrupt person is in our spouse's body, how they could just turn off all the feelings they had for us (and the children), how they could go from loving, terrific people to someone we don't even like, how they can turn around and happily do all of these things they used to think were completely and utterly wrong...all of that stuff. I personally think it is some kind of deal going on in the brain that just short-circuits something for a few years. Some people have said that the MLCers who come out of it later don't even remember parts of their journey through the tunnel, and will swear up and down, "I never said that!" I've seen at least one example of that myself (my H claimed he never said he didn't believe in God anymore--WRONG!!), even though my H seems nowhere near coming out of the tunnel.
This is so, so hard. Just...unbelievably difficult. But for your own sake and your daughter's, you need to operate as though he is on the moon for the time being. Read and re-read DR as often as necessary. Never mind what he is thinking, or doing, or even who he's sleeping with...put it out of your mind as best you can (yes, believe me, I DO know how hard that is!). DO NOT snoop...it will only make your life more difficult, believe me. Concentrate on making yourself a better person...for YOU, and for your daughter, not for him. Detach as best you can, as quickly as you can.
All of these things are extremely hard, so true. But do them for YOU, because once you start doing them, they will make YOUR life better. And that can only lead to good things.
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Dear Dawn, Thanks so much for the post above; yes I found the thread about MLC for Dummies and had a laugh...carbon copy of mu husband. Thanks for your insight and care.
A few other gems about me that he has said in the last four months:
In a rage; "I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to be married to you again I will never, ever, ever. ever be in an intimate relationship with you again My love for you is dead, if it was just damaged then it could be fixed but once something is dead it can never come back. I have been treated like a doormat for five years and I am not going to put up with it any longer. You have subjected me to mental cruelty over the last five years. You are not the right woman for me to be married to. I am very sad. I have to now re-establish my life which isn't easy. Our D will get over this; kids do. Relationships break up all the time. (On hearing that I was intending to stand for my marriage but admitting that it would be lonely): now you know what it is and will be like t be unloved and alone. You say you love me; well, I reject your love, I dont believe it and I dont believe that you can love healthily; what you have is not love but attachment.
AND.........
two days after leaving me: "so what are you going to do for the rest of your life?" and "your grief process is none of my concern".
I think in these sorts of situations people can be friends, I am with XW (his first marriage). But in our situation we cant be friends because you obviously love me and probably always will and I am saying NO!! (pushing me away with his hands).
Yet,in the same period:
You have a beautiful heart and soul. You are the most desirable woman I could ever imagine being with If we were having sex it would be the most fantastic sex I could ever imagine. You are my soul mate; we are connected at a very basic level. You will always be a part of me. I think that you are right, love never dies. I see such a cataclysmic change in you and I now see the woman that I have missed and wanted for the last 5 years. This is the biggest tragedy and sadness of my life. .................................... Boy oh boy..........any advice/comments?
Innis, Don't initiate any discussions about your R, but when he does, listen and nod. Validate when you can (it is not the same as agreeing with his opinion; it might be something like "I can see why that would upset you"). Always apologize if you feel he has a valid criticism about something you have done. DO NOT criticize him. Do not say anything to him _at all_ about OW. If you find it absolutely necessary to disagree with him, do so in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked--that's when you need to make it about you rather than about him, so it comes off as just your little quirk that you feel that way about whatever it is, rather than that he's so wrong.
Try not to over-analyze what he says; reread your own post and you will see that he keeps flip-flopping, so listen, but don't get attached to what he says, either positive or negative. In MLC, both their words and their actions are EXTREMELY suspect, so give them as little weight as possible. Think of what he says as sounding like the teachers in the "Charlie Brown" cartoons...wah wahwah wah wahwah. Look for long-term trends, not this back-and-forth nonsense that some MLCers seem so attached to.
Some people find it helpful to think of their MLCers as being mentally ill, and therefore not in their right minds, and not able to effectively process all of the emotional goop. Sorta like being bipolar.
Hope that helps...
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I hi Many oif us seem to go thru a lot of the same kinds of situations our was/mlcer are confused and do/say contrary things the new attraction ow is pulling them to this new life conbined with the mlc confusion..they do decieve themselved thinking their life will work out with this new person and everything was also a lie in mmy situation my xh wanted to keep everything a secret the fact he was living with 28 year old former secretary the fact he was blowing through every cent and busting our business at the seams my xh was not a bad man but when this all started 2 plus years ago he changed and has gotten worse over time I know yoiu are confused at his behavior but try to focus on taking care of you get counseling watch /protect your finances/credit/house or any shared property you will know and understand this more as time goes on it was not your fault this are his issues from his past and childhood thye come out now unresolved nothing you can really do except protect yourself and child peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi everyone, Thank you so much for everything........you have given me great comfort and the more that I think about what is happening the more I realise just how out of control my H is and how much I need to detach and GAL; also to protect myself and my D.
My H sent me a letter via his solicitor (email) yesterday morning informing me, with about 4 hours to spare, that he would be collecting our D7 from school at 2.40pm and returning her to put her to bed around 9pm. He did this last Friday and I let it go thinking that it was a one of incidence in direct relation to the barring order hearing last Thursday. It was obvious yesterday that he has such a huge amount of rage towards me and will proceed as and how he wishes, regardless of the upset he is causing people.
I refused this via responding email/letter as I had arranged for our D to have friends over in the afternoon. I also thought enough is enough; I am not going to be treated like this, no more. I decided to go down to her school early as he did not respond and I did not want a repeat performance of Friday. I arrived at about 2.15 to find him already there, on his phone (prob his L). I got out f teh car and calmly discussed things with him. I looked at him, he looks strange in teh face, distorted and troubled. He agreed that he did get the message and thankfully backed off, I am not sure whether his L told him to or not. He accepted the state of play.....but was so raging underneath, he was simmering.I asked whether he would be picking our D up today (tuesday) and taking her till bed time as proposed by me in my email on Friday to him; he said in a tense voice through gritted teeth that I would hear from his solicitor on the matter. he then drove off.
why is this man doing this; is he losing his mind? I am worried that our D is being affected now; this morning she wet her bed for the first time in 4 years........last night she was sobbing saying that she was confused about her Daddy not being here any more; she was also crying and asked me what were we going to do about Daddy? I asked her what she meant and she asked me whether she would live or die and whether we would be poor. I am so worried about this; the more chaos and upset he causes the more he seems to be disinterested. and the more I am convinced that he has committed to the OW and he is becoming more and more detached from me and my D. He doesnt even speak to her now, no phone calls, no contact, unless he has her in his access times. He woudlnt know how she is going or what she is doing.
I am also concerned that he will be trying to take D to OW house, where she has two teenage sons 11 and 14. I am vigilant about protecting her against all of this upset.
Would really appreciate some feedback; I feel like I am in such a nightmare.Does he honestly know what he is doing?
Hi Innishannon I have been reading your thread. I can only say I know what you are going through as my story is so very similar to yours. My H has so much anger towards me that I find myself unable to communicate with him. He left me 6 weeks ago for another woman who he had only been seeing for about 8 weeks previous. He moved straight into her house, she also has children. We have 3. What kind of a woman would let a man who see did not know into her home with her children. God know how they cope, still they may be used to it. I think she has done this before. He is besotted with her, thinks he loves her etc etc. All the years we had 20 in total seem to mean nothing to him. His behaviour is the same as your H. I never really thought a mlc was a real illness but the more I read the more I think it is. The character traits and behaviours all fit. The anger and running away all make sense. Whether they ever come to their senses or not remains to be seen but the damage they do can never really be repaired can it? I have also received e-mails from my H regarding access which I have not replied to and would not, if he cannot talk to me face to face then he can forget it. My H wanted sleep overs immediately with our children which I point blankly refused. He could not understand why I did not want this. Is he crazy or what. Like you I am going to protect my children. They do not need to be a part of their r now or in the near future. They are not in an established relationship yet. It is as if he wants it all but just not with me in it. If I wasn't around then all would be good for him. I am the problem. NOT. When I look at him he has changed so much I barely recognise him anymore. He is bombastic, arogant and not a nice person to be around. One day though he will have to live with what he has done and recognise the person he has become then and only then will he come to understand the damage he has done to us all.
Inish...do you have a lawyer? If you don't, I would highly suggest you get one immediately. The MLC'er is not thinking of anyone but themselves right now, and you are your D need to be protected. I don't know what the laws there are to protect visitation rights of children, but most of the time the laws want the transition to go as smoothly as possible, providing stability for the child. I think, in like of the circumstances, you would be wise to hire a solicitor soon.
Also, I would suggest counseling. Your poor little girl is really having a rough time, and needs to feel secure right now. She doesn't. I know the situation you are in right now is the worst, but focus on her. She doesn't understand what is going on, and needs to be reassured that no matter what her Daddy is doing, that you are still going to be there for her.
(((Hugs))) Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
My little girl is struggling, there is no doubt about it. She spent quite a few hours with my H yesterday and that seems to have calmed her down a little; she loves him very much and it does alleviate her distress to some extent when she sees him.
My main aim is that D7 is stable and secure. Thats really the most important thing. I heard from my H yesterday; after a period of disgusting behaviour he is now using the tact of extremely nice and accommodating and unfortunately I became short with him He was ringing from his ex wife's house in relation to our D's school play tomorrow. I rang him back there and told him that I was more than happy to speak with him but not at that number. I d not feel comfortable ringing there under the circumstances.
I am struggling personally with so much Am trying to keep it in my mind that it is MLC but my fear is that all of this sint. He moves from the OW to ex wifes house to our house with ease. He has chosen the OW as his preference. There is nthing I can do about that. But it hurts to think that after ten years he can not see any worth in staying with me and working on our commitment.
I know OW is irrelevant here, what is important is my life. I am trying to live it in the best way that I know. But I simply do not understand..... he seems so happy and settled with her; its his silence on the topic which makes me realise just how serious it is for him.
I also accept that his family have gone; I was always so close to them and it just seems bizarre that we will have nothing to do with each other now, especially my step daughters and my sister in law, H's sister, who is dying. I haven't seen/spoken with her since middle of January.
All I wanted was to be in a happy committed marriage and have my family around me.
Has anyone else had this experience before of OW taking your place and you being obliterated? How did you cope?
I go to court today for an informal private meeting with H and solicitors to try to sort out access. I hope that we come to a fair and honourable agreement.
Every day that goes by I think to myself I dont know what has happened. I never wanted this. I miss and love the husband that I thought was there. Yet I am having to go through this process of separation because he wants a new life? I was never given a choice and yet he has cruelly defined all of our lives with not a bat of an eyelid.
Guess I am tired of the struggle and rejection today
I know how you feel innishannon like you I have had no choice in any of this and I think that is what is the hardest part to accept. I never wanted this to happen to us and everything is now out of my hands. He is calling the shots, he is determine my life at the moment. In time when we become stronger, and we will, we will make our own choices what suit us and our children and hopefully move on to better things. It is the rejection that is unbearable as I never felt this would happen to me. Knowing that it is happening to so many others is scary but comforting in the knowledge that we are all here to help each other through these difficult days. Maybe tomorrow we will grow a little stronger.
