Dear Snodderly/Braveheart,

Thanks so much for your posts; your help and support have given me so much in this crazy time.....
I have just woken up here in Ireland and the first thing that has come to my mind is deceit; I was wanting to share that with you all.

My H has just gone through the most amazing set of lies and deceit I can think of. firstly, I had no idea that he was so unhappy n our R; yes he had vented and expressed huge frustration and resentment at my study and work versus what he believed I should have been doing re our D but there was never any moment where he spoke directly with me re his feelings about US, about our relationship. I had often pleaded with him to talk with me about our R, but he always refused; his sole focus was a our D and what needed to be done there. Surely parents have an untold responsibility to safeguard their children and to parent and love them but what about safeguarding your marriage; is that not a gift that you give your children?
Instead I was presented with a fait a complis. My H snorts at my suggestion that this has come out of the blue; he thinks that he gave me thousands of chances; but I am a perceptive person and would have noticed even a few let alone a thousand.
He lied and withheld this information and, of course, the beginning of his R with OW.
When he first said that he was leaving (Jan 2) I asked him whether there was someone else. He of course denied it strenuously. He of course was heavily into EA/PA at the time. the period in Jan when there was sexual contact with me, every second day, and her at the same time was again deceit........having his cake or malicious damage......I still feel so violated where that is concerned. Lies and more lies. I found boxer shorts in Jan, when I asked him he said he had bought them because his other jocks had been put through the wash and had turned pink! Lies again.
I was told that he was going to Co/Kerry to help write some of my PHD thesis for me with space and quiet (my H is a writer/playwright/theatre director). Yes, he did manage to get some work done but was obviously time challenged by the presence of OW on the same trip. Incidentally.during those three days away our daughter was extremely ill with a gastro flu......
When he walked at the end of Jan he basically told me that:
I had no right to know anything about his personal/private life
No right to know who he was seeing in his life
NO right to know where he would be staying
No right to know any of his movements
The only way I could contact him from now on was via his mobile phone.
He then proceeded to lie (and is still perpetuating this but to a lesser extent) that he was living with either one of his two sisters or a mutual friend (female) who works in the office next to him. unbelievably he is still maintaining that he is still only staying (has not admitted to actually living) with OW SOME of the time.
When I was in hospital, literally in agony and on pethadine/morphine and I confronted him about the affair he couldnt bring himself to be honest with me, instead blaming me, yelling at me for being unreasonable and storming out of the hospital room as I lay literally helpless in bed. On the eve of my second op (approx March 15) when my Mum confronted him with the affair the only thing that he could say was ' but I am still married, its not as if I am NOT her H)!!!!!!!!! Lies, lies
The period when I was ill in hospital (about one month) he was carrying on a double life. Staying in our home minding our D, often sleeping here. My Mum who was with me in the hospital from 10-10 every day would return home where he would get her a glass of wine and something to eat; then often leave to go back to OW to sleep with her, thinking everyone would think that he was staying with family. He was visiting me in hospital at first, kissing me on the face, hugging me, holding me, stroking my face, kissing and stroking my hand, kissing my wedding ring, and then leaving and sleeping with OW.
It has only been in the last two weeks that he has fully admitted he is in a new R. Even then he has told lies (it isn't significant, they may not be together in a couple of months then denying that he ever said this, then not outwardly admitting its significant either).
He has lied to our D about where he has been living. He lied to our D about going away Valentines Day weekend, changing his story about his destination three times (geographic amnesia?) and in the end telling her, when he had already been there for a couple of days, that he was in Galway with friends????? Our D7 was crying, she didnt understand. He told her he could be contacted on his mobile.
H has lied about his financial sitch, saying he is F%$£@ed financially yet earns around 1300 euro every 10 days where I have no income until September when I return to my job and am having to pick up bits and pieces of freelance work and rely on my family to survive.
My question is, how can a person whose whole life in the last few months has been based on lies and deceit, function if not in denial.
His current life is based on secrecy, lies, deceit. His relationship with OW has been and to some extent probably still is based on deceit.
At the end of the day, whether WAS or MLC (I suspect both at this stage), surely the only person that he is truly deceiving here is himself.
He has a home here with his child and wife and instead he is deceiving himself that we do not exist and that his new home is with OW.
Do any of you have any insight here?
I x