Hello...my name is Nicole. I am new to DB, unfortunately for me. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself which is easy to do. My H left me about a month ago. He has been staying with a friend and just told me yesterday that he has rented a place of his own. It is about 15 minutes from our current home where I live with our two daughters who are 8 and 6. This all started when I found some concerning e-mails on his account. He posted a profile and was looking for "discreet" fun. Luckily I found the post the day he posted it but confronted him about it which is when he told me he has been unhappy in our marriage for awhile. I told him we should go to counseling and he reluctantly agreed. Went to one session which went relatively well and then he went to Hawaii for a 10 day work trip. (he is in the military) I voiced concerns that I was worried about the trip and while he was there he told me he wasn't coming home...and he hasn't lived here since. It has been dramatic to say the least...me doing the crying, begging, etc. He called once saying he was having a hard time and felt like he was having a heart attack, not knowing if this was a mistake. I found DB about a week ago and have been putting the 180 into immediate action. I only wish I had done it before he left. For the past week I was taking note of the little changes..he was calling more for no reason, and when i saw him he was hanging around more and I was very upbeat and seemingly happy and I was hopeful that it wasn't too late until he told me about the place he rented yesterday. I had a bit of a setback. Our lease is coming up on our house here in about another month and he wants me to find a place close by so that he can see the kids. I want to move back to our hometown (2 hours away) to be closer to family. Like I said he is in the military and for the entirety of our marriage I have followed him and his career. He leaves on a moments notice and I have a job and a few friends here but not at all the support I would have back home. What I am looking for is advice on weather I can DB from that distance, if it will help for him to finally see the reality of leaving us...or if it will be harder to DB and hopefully have him change his heart and mind. Am I wasting my time? I feel so defeated already that he actually rented a new place. I am a strong person. I know I can implement all of the techniques...I just don't know what to do...he says he always wants to take care of us...just not be married anymore. I think he is having an early MLC, from what i read in the book...but it just seems so hopeless. I am crushed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. By the way, we have been married for 8 years, together for 10.
Hello, sorry to find you here... I would say that once the lease is up, you consider renting something back home. Two hours is far, but not that far. What you will need to think about is where you are getting your support. Does your H take lots of trips for his job? I know almost nothing about the military but my BIL is Air Force and he does "TDY" a lot...
Anyway my point is if your H is not going to be around a lot then it might be good for you to be back home where you have support. Even with my husband in the same town (we are separated), he travels a lot for work and I have the kids the bulk of the time. It is nice to have grandparents here to help me with the kids when I need support. So I imagine you would like that kind of support, too. If you rented back home vs. buying, you would also be able to move back if you decided that is what you wanted down the road.
With him being in the military, do you guys move very often? The reason I ask is because that is something to think about. Have you talked about it? For example, if you are separated, and he gets transferred, does he think that you and the kids will move, too? Would you? Or would you rather have a 'home base' back in your home town?
Lots to think about, I hope I haven't given you too many questions. I would say continue with the counseling if he is willing to go with you. Any history of 'issues' in your M? Any previous complaints/problems between you that may be feeding in to this? It is always great if you can post more background info. to help us out. Take care
Sorry to that you find yourself here and your sitch. You're going to find a number of great people on here who will help you especially when the chips are down. Don't despair.
In terms of your question. If you need the support, then I would suggest you go back to your hometown. It was your H's decision to leave, NOT yours. You have the right to live wherever you feel the most comfortable. If he doesn't like it, well he shouldn't have left in the first place.
I also have to ask...is there OW? If he was soliciting for one, then he might have one already on the side that you don't know about.
What were his reasons for leaving? Can you give us a little more background?
Again, keep the faith and post often.
stuck
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you for your responses...as for a little more background... We were together for a short time before I got pregnant withour 1st daughter. He was 22 and I was 21. He was stationed in Oregon and I was in our mutual hometown in California. I moved to Oregon and had the baby and we got married 3 months later. Over the years we moved from Oregon back to Cali, then to Guam where we lived for 3 years, and then most recently (not quite a year ago) back to California. He says now that he has been unhappy since moving back here...unhappy with me, his job, and life in general. Before the bomb, we had all of the usual stresses...issues with money, and what I look back on and call the "viscious circle"...him doing things that hurt my feelings and my pulling away. The things he did usually involved being unhelpful with everyday things around the house or the kids...but nothing specific or too serious or so I thought. Normal ups and downs so to speak. I have thought over the years that we should go to counseling...just to improve the everyday things, but we always make up, and end up working out our issues. I have never had trust issues...I have always given him space and freedom which you have to in a military marriage. Yes, he has always traveled alot and it was always a good thing for us. He would come home renewed, refreshed and we would miss each other terribly. We would write e-mails that were like love letters every time. It wasn't until we moved back to Cali this time and he started a fairly local job where he didn't travel as much as before. He was home all the time, and became depressed. He told me he feels trapped, and stagnant. He tells me it isn't me or anything that I did, just that there is something inside of him and this is what he needs to do. He is being very cooperative and nice to me. He feels bad and says he doesn't want to change anything except being married to me. Our therapist says he is extremely depressed and confused...and that he doesn't suspect an affair. I have doubts...and have of course asked him again and again if there is someone else...all of which he denies. Not that I feel he would be honest at this point. It is so hard not to take this personally...why on earth does he not want me anymore??? We have never had a sexual problem...we both persue each other and have great sex. He says I am a good wife, and an amazing mother. and he tells me I deserve more than what he is able to give to our relationship. He has barely spoken to family and friends and wont tell anyone more than what he is telling me. We are all collectively shocked and devastated...especially his family and parents who I am extremely close with and have a great relationship. This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced...I have so many friends and family who are there for me and I still feel so alone without him. We were a team and I thought we were in it for the long haul together no matter what. I am going to counseling still but he wont go. He says he will but then something comes up so i have stopped asking. One of the worst parts is that everywhere I go or look there is a reminder of him. Constantly.
So, i haven't gotten all of the abbreviations down...but I am 31, H32 D8, D6 M8yrs R10yrs bomb 03-2009 moved out 4-2009
Hi Nicole, I'm Sandi. Welcome to our community here. First of all, I think your H was honest when he said that it was not you that had done anything wrong and that you had been a great wife and mother. I do think it is a personal "crisis" he is experiencing. As far as being mid-life....I have decided after my own experience that that is simply a term and does not have to be in the middle of one's lifetime to happen. I was past what is considered middle age when the very last thing I ever would expect of doing.......I did it. I got emotionally involved with another man over the Internet. It all started out b/c I was very lonely, bored, frustrated.....just a lot of stuff that I won't get into now, but I thought what would a little harmless flirting hurt.....right? Well, it almost broke up a marriage of many years, that is what it hurt!
Being a military man and use to the constant moving around, I think would be hard to adjust to being in one place for very long. He probably gets "itchy feet" when in one place for any length of time......if he likes to move around a lot.
Understand that I am not taking sides with him! I am just expressing thoughts here and to see if we might stumble onto something that may make sense. To the LBS, nothing makes logical sense! I believe he still loves you but he is confused about his life and what he really wants at this time. Yes, he thought he knew when he married you, etc., but now it's ten years later and he has changed. I can tell you another secret......in ten more years, he will not be the person you married or the person he is now......not completely anyway b/c I think most people continue to go through changes down through life. My H and I have had to adjust to several "changes" down through the years. We were just kids when we M and you can't expect to stay the same way all your life. Some of those adjustments are hard, but never had we faced what we did when I had the EA with OM.
You said you were strong, and that is very good b/c it is going to take your strength to weather this storm. I think I will agree with the advice about returning to your home and family for support. Your H is going to need a lot of time for him to work through whatever it is he is going through. He needs to miss you......a lot. He needs to know 100% that he wants to be M to you before he makes that decision. If you stay in the same town as he is.......he is going to keep you on an emotional roller coaster with his "games' of up and down and not knowing what he wants. All you have to do is read threads here on the board and see how the LBS nearly goes crazy with the WAS and the "head games" that is played out. These are not funny games by no means, but you feel that is what the LBS is doing to your mind.
Now, you can move back home and if you allow him to email, text, call, and all the other type of communications........it will still do a "number" on you. So, if you return home, I would have boundaries about the contacts. In other words, he could phone the kids and talk to them. But, don't use the kids to get to "you". He doesn't need to be texting, emailing, etc., to "talk" about his feelings or the MR. This will cause a tug of war with your emotions and your health will take a dive. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? In other words, it needs to be something next to an emergency for him to make contact with you.......until he can decide what he "really" wants out of life. If you don't hold his feet to the fire about this, he will make your life hell on earth with his "messages", so it is really better for you to go "dark" and leave him alone to grow up and decide what type of man he wants to be. I truly believe that going dark is the path you need to choose. He will probably contact his children, and I hope he does, but you don't have to talk to him. That keeps you from fretting and wringing your hands all the time and you can go on about living. Yes, it is very hard to do this, but in all reality I don't think it is as hard as being right there and either knowing what he is doing or being left behind while he is on a trip.
Go home.......go dark......and wait. Hopefully, he will realize what he has lost once you and the children are gone. Right now, he probably can't see you doing that since you were pleading with him not to leave you. Most LBS do that, so don't beat yourself up over what is done.....just move forward. I am not telling you to file for divorce! Go dark.
Talk to you later, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am writing to vent I guess. Today I found a letter my husband wrote to his parents explaining his side of this ordeal. he told them he loves me but is not in love with me and that i deserve someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved. he said he just has no motivation to do things for me. That I am the glue of the family and that he will always keep the girls and I his main priority. This was hard to see in writing...I am so upset now...it is like he e-mailed and wrote them explaining himself but has never written me. He also said in his letter that I am such an amazing person....that he has thought long and hard about this. Now I am losing hope...and feeling very weak.. any advice would be appreciated.
I don't know if you want to hear this because sometimes it is easier to just accept it is over.
The words you read are typical. Read other threads. He has said things that so many have said.
I think it is nice that he was respectful and maintained some privacy regarding your R.
He sounds like someone who needs a break (I know, what about ME?) but he is checking out. You don't know how things will evolve. If you want to hang in, get Divorce Remedy and start working on it NOW. You are in a great position to do more of what works in your sitch.
I am reading Passionate Marriage and it is really helping process what is happening, but start with DR.
Breathe, so far, this doesn't sound as bad as you think it is...
aliveandkicking...thank you. you made me feel better. I have DR and am putting the plan into action. despite some setbacks that are really discouraging, I have seen signs of hope here and there. it is just hard because he keeps pushing thru in his efforts to move on. i think it is time i go dark and limit my interactions with him as much as I can with two kids. how do i get to a thread with your story? ours seem sorta similar. i really appreciate your input! Take care, Nicole
Well, here is my latest thread which also has a link to my original thread. I'm afraid when you read some of my drivel, you'll feel like the blind being led by the blind. But, as is the case for most of us, I'm way better at giving advice than taking it.
I think the kids are the hardest part. I think of them and I want to wake him up to the unfixable damage he is doing. I try to remember though that they have their own paths and this is part of their stories. Hard stuff.
I also want to let you know (I saw your post on other thread), in the beginning, I lost 14 pounds because I couldn't eat I was so distraught. I am not the pillar of positivity here but in the "real" world, I am doing pretty well. I come here to vent and try to exorcise my demons.
Supposedly, there is no growth without pain and one way or the other, we will grow and get something out of all of this. Sorry it is so hard.
