BF broke up with me 2 1/2 weeks ago for the OW. His oldest son who I am very close with, is moving out of state, I found out last night, and I called BF today to say I'd like to stop by and see son if he was ok with that...son leaves tomorrow. BF said it wasn't a good idea for me to come over today and I said it was mean for him to keep me from seeing son. That led to the following dialog...any insight in to what he meant?
I said how I loved the kids He said he didn't see that before the break-up...(what does that mean? I was in their lives for 4 years and we were like a total family, I loved them like they were mine and we did all types of things together even without their Dad)
He said everybody misses me (what does that mean? does he?) He said he didn't want it to turn out this way between us (negative) He said he made a mess of things (an understatement)
Then I found out the reason he did not want me to stop over is that OW had come to visit for the weekend. At that point, I finally found it in me to speak up and tell him that he had been cold and cruel to break off so suddenly with me.
I did see his son after all. We met away from the house. Son said to me, "I am so glad to see you right now".
BF is supposed to come by this week to take care of some odds and ends.
BF feels guilt, that's it. Don't read anything else into it! They never wanted it to "turn out this way"...they never wanted to get caught screwing around, it just happened. You'll hear all sorts of bizarre crap, try not to over analyze any of it. My W told me once, while in tears, that she was so confused and didn't know what to do and please don't push her right now. I thought that meant she was seriously thinking about what she had done and was about to do to our family. When I brought it up with her a couple of months later she said "I was never confused, sorry if you thought I was"... uh, OK. Remember, words mean nothing, actions mean everything. Hang in there, the sun will shine again.
Thanks for the support. I know what I am about to say is awful...but how can I make him feel even guilter? The reason I ask this, is because my x husband cheated on me and my bf knew that. He swore he would never ever do that to me and that he never ever had in his past. And now he has done it. I frankly, wish this new relationship of his would blow up in his face so that he can spend the whole summer thinking about what he did.
I was so kind and nice to him and he was cold, cruel and callous when he broke up. I told him this today. I think I am moving from that horrible lost feeling to finally feeling some anger. I hate to feel angry as I'm not that kind of person nor do I hold grudges. But for some reason, I feel I want to be angry at him and let him know it.
I want him to feel very guilty and to let it keep him up at night and play on his mind in quiet moments. Just so he can realize and grow up. He's 52...if not now, when?
Should I ask who misses me? Should I ask if that includes him?
NO! By appearing to chase and beg for crumbs you are working against what you want. You push the guilt and he'll push you away even further. He knows what he has done, that's enough. As you said, he needs to grow up and only HE can make that happen. You need to look after you right now. Anger and revenge fantasies are quite normal for where you're at so recognize that and then let it go. Get back to nurturing you, don't let him control another minute of your life! Easier said than done, don't I know it!
Thank for keeping me in reality. One more question then. I gave away my DB book after my D, thinking I'd never need it again. Wish I had it now.
He's coming over tomorrow to take care of some business...if he is feeling guilt now, what if he apologizes? How do I react? How do I respond? Do I accept his apology so he thinks everything is ok........it's not!!!!!!!! He shot me in the back.
Should I act breezy and cordial overall? I don't know what my attitude should be.
What makes you think that he's going to apologize? If that ever happens (and hell really does freeze over) say "I appreciate you saying that" or "thank you" THE END. You don't have to accept the apology but anything besides what I've said would probably be inappropriate and make you look like a vengeful witch therefore lessening his guilt. Besides who cares what he thinks or says anymore, let your response show that! Now, in reality, if he says anything it would most likely be something like that old favourite"I didn't mean to hurt you, it just happened"...blah blah blah. So, "I appreciate you saying that" or "thank you" with little or no emotion. Good luck!
boy it took me a while to stop the angry thoughts! I get you hon. and as wii says, use your energy for YOU, dont' waste it in anger towards him. You dont' have to act breezy and happy if you don't feel it, you dont' have to show anything you don't feel. Mean what you say. And I doubt too he'll apologize, and if does, it might be a lame one like wii said.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, I put on a great show. And actually, it made me feel really good! I'm naturally upbeat and that is a quality he has always treasured.
By mid-afternoon, he hadn't called, so I called him to confirm time he would come over. He said he was bogged down with sudden jobs and wanted to see if it could be tomorrow or next day. I said, no, it must be tonight. That's what we agreed (because over weekend he was with OW!).
I also asked him a favor...to borrow a piece of sporting equipment. He said ok.
He came over on time, sharp. I said hi, friendly, from 20' away. He was unloading his car to work on some stuff he needed to do. He walked over by me and he stood close and I stepped back. He stepped close and I stepped back again. Once he was done outside, he came inside to do some repair he needed to do (damage he had created once). He reached to touch my arm and I backed off. I said he was the repairman. He said, that's it? I said yep. I was sunny and talking about how sunny it was outside. He said something he was frustrated with and used the f word twice and I said excuse me? I don't like men to use that language in front of me (I bet he didn't say it in front of OW). If you're a gentleman that is. He didn't know what to say.
He asked me to pick up the sport equipment and show him my form, I said no, I already put it back in the case. He said come on show me and I said no, maybe you'll see me in a game sometime. I stayed in the kitchen. When he was done, he came in the kitchen behind me and touched my arm and I pulled back. Then, he pinched my rear! And I said that is inappropriate behavior. Then he made this noise I always liked and I didn't blink.
Then I gave him a box of biscuits for his dog and asked that he give them to him. He said you'll be over to see him and I said no, I wouldn't. Then, I pulled out a blanket I had finished to give to him (a long overdue gift). He now was really puzzled. I talked about the blanket and he paused. I said don't you like it? And he said he was having a moment. I stayed super sunny and breezy.
Back outside, he said he would do another repair for me and I said oh thanks that's ok, you're busy.
Then I thanked him for doing the repair and he said "that's it"? And I said, "oh and thanks for doing the other repairs."
As he left, I turned and said "good-bye!", smiled and waived.
He was so frustrated. At one point he said "come on..." like it should be like before. But it can't be. A couple times he stopped and looked like he really had words to say, but they never came out and I never encouraged them.
Each door he tried to open using affectionate ways of the past, I closed down confidently and firmly yet still in a breezy way. I feel good.
What do you think he feels? I know I shouldn't care, but I do.
WTH is his problem? He acts like you're some kind of play toy with no feelings at all. What a twit! So he's got OW and acts like he wants to have a bit of you to go along with it. Stay far away from this guy, do your own repairs. He didn't respect you when you were with him and now his disrespecting you again. You did great!!!! What's he thinking now? "Thinking" seems to be the key word here and I'm not sure he's capable of it!
Remember, words mean nothing, actions mean everything. Hang in there, the sun will shine again. 