Puppy - you are saying she has been LD for 20 years...and you are probably correct about the first 15 of those years.
However, during the last 5 years, due to her age, her hormones have changed her into a new person with a new level of desire. In the past 2 years, she is now probably NOT LD...she is as OT said, sexually frustrated and is desiring sexual contact or attention constantly. That is exactly how I felt during my marriage at the end of it (and I could have written that letter myself, about marrying young and having had no time to play or run around). When we separated, I had no way to tell my ex-h how I was feeling without explaining it like I needed to be able to be "free" to experiment in the world, much like what your wife is saying.
What I really needed was to be free to experiment with my body, my feelings, my sexuality, my desires, my need for sexual attention, my inner most feelings....all of these needs to express these things didn't come alive fully in me until I was near 40. THEN...it burst forth from me and wouldn't stop until I found resolution to them!
My ex-h couldn't deal with it and didn't try. He assumed he could not give me what I needed.
Now I know that he could have, and what he would have needed to do. But at the time I had no way to articulate that to him. I had to experience it first! But if he had understood what I needed (and there are good resources out there) he COULD HAVE given me exactly the exploration I needed, in his safe arms. He could have helped me explore ALL of those feelings and desires!! But we both had intimacy issues (as you and your W both do, as well) and we didn't know how to go from the decent-to-good sex to WAY GOOD sexual play and exploration.
So he checked out because he was sick of me by then, saw me as a horrible person, didn't love me any more....so understandably, he didn't even really want to put the effort into that kind of new sex life with me. Can't blame him. I was a horrible wife to him. I'm just saying what seemed to me to be lack of desire for my ex-h was actually just being caused by ignorance on both of our parts about what we each wanted and needed. We needed a sex therapist. We never sought any help, and it was over.
Oldtimer - I'm with you. YES...give me a man who is assertive and wonderfully, powerfully, masculine in bed. It makes me feel supremely feminine to feel his supreme masculinity in a sexual manner. And I'm also in love with that man, and I trust him, and then all kinds of wild and crazy and kinky things happen. His masculinity has to (for the most part) drive the train toward those kinkier ideas, so I can relax and just be ravaged and taken. (Doesn't mean I can't ravage and take HIM other times! Just sayin', to be ravaged and taken by AUTHENTIC masculine energy is just plain yummmmm....)
Puppy, I do hope you can realize your wife has changed. She isn't LD any more. She is a new person. Get to know her from scratch this time!
And one last thing...Puppy, if the above "take her and ravage her" line of thinking doesn't seem applicable to your wife, maybe YOU'RE more of the one to ask HER to be more dominating??? That can be way fun too and it still requires supreme masculinity on your part.
