I have been familiar with DB for 10 years now, yet I just found out that my H has been unfaithful. Here is my story.
H and I have been married 28 years. We got married very young - I was 18 and my H was 21 (actually it was his 21st birthday). We got married after only knowing each other 1 year.
I was not a confident person and was afraid that no other man would desire me, and H worshipped the ground I walked on, and I did love him very much. I have since found out that he suffered the same self-confidence issues. We had a baby one year after marrying, and then another. We had our final (we thought) son when I was 23. 4 months later our son died of SIDS on xmas day.
In spite of all of this, we seemed to be very happy and devoted to one another, even while dealing with the incredible loss of our son. We went on to have another baby, a girl.
When I turned 30 I began working for a crazy boss - I don't say that lightly - she made my life hell. During this period of time I also went back to school. I fell into a great depression and gained alot of weight. H was supportive but definitely felt the pain of feeling alone in the marriage. H and I were (and still are) so different in our method of communication - I have a very hard, direct style, which apparently intimidates the hell out of him, he withdraws.
Fast forward to 1999 - H started to withdraw and tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. We saw counsellors, but nothing really helped. I tried to change my aggressive, angry style but I was so MAD at him for not talking to me about any of it that our conversations usually descended into fighting.
I also found out at this time that H had developed a friendship with a woman at work I'll call "J". Apparently they had lunch together often, but I didn't really suspect anything. I did and do have a very strong jealousy in me because of the lack of confidence in who I was, so I tended to not be very supportive of H spending time away from me.
From 1999 forward, H would spend hours out bikeriding, or go away on weekends camping by himself (he swears this is true, but who knows). Finally in 2004 he moved out for 4 months. This just about killed me, and I was a weepy, angry, needy mess the whole time. I was also still working in a very demanding job and going to school. Finally, H decided he wanted to work on the marriage and returned home in 2005. Things didn't really improve though, we still fought and I have to admit I brought up the pain of his moving out all the time. He became more distant and wanted to do very little together. We began sleeping apart, although he says this is because of my snoring, which is very bad I have to admit.
The long bike rides ended, and so did the weekends away, for the most part. But there were still times when he seemed to disappear in the day when I couldn't get ahold of him. But only during the day - he was always home at night. We still had a sex life, although not nearly as active. When we did connect on that level though, it was good.
Then last week my friend asked my why she saw Fred drive up a road in our area a few times - an area that I knew J lived. On the way home from work last Friday, I drove by her house. There was H's truck. I was sick. I parked and knocked on the door. A young woman answered and I asked who's truck that was - she said her mom's friend, named (my H). Apparently they were out together right then, but would be back soon. He had just mowed her lawn.
For 45 minutes I spoke to the daughter (she's 20), as she had suspicions about her mom and my H, but was always told nothing was going on, but that H lived a separated life in the house with his wife (me). She told me that H had been coming around for about 5 years, a couple of times a week, to help do yard projects and to have coffee. They went out to dinner occasionally and met other work people for a beer. She said he never slept over and were never affectionate in front of her.
Finally they drove up and the look on H's face when he saw me was absolute and pure fear. He asked why I was there, and I told him I wanted to talk to J. When I saw J, I was somewhat dumbfounded, she's 4 years older than H (53) and looks it. She agreed to speak to me and said that there was nothing going on between them. She did tell me that my marriage failed because of me and that H needed someone to talk to. She also told me that her marriage failed because of her H having an affair and that he was married twice before. I challegned her on that because her daughter told me that my H caused their marriage to be over. I had enough and left.
When I got home H was packed and ready to leave (he was in the process of remodeling his parent's house for us to live in - they both died in recent years). I told him that if we were to even think about moving forward he would have to never see her again. He said he didn't know if he could do that because he didn't have many friends. I said "we're done" and went in the house.
Over the next couple of days, H stated that he didn't want to see her again, and continued to swear up and down that I was the only woman he had ever been with sexually. He admitted the friendship was inappropriate but she was easy to talk to and he couldn't talk to me because of the anger I displayed (which was true). I'm trying to be honest here and display both sides fairly, although it's killing me, the lies and dishonesty. I thought he was the most honourable man in the world, this all blows me away.
Our children (all grown now) are going through hell and this has just about killed him. He wants to move forward with reconciliation with me, but he wants to live alone for awhile because he is afraid that my anger and viscious words will make him crazy. I am having such a difficult time knowing what to do - all my instincts (and family/friends) are telling me to be rid of him. But I still love him and we have 30 years together.
Any advice is appreciated.
Maggie
Me:47 H:49 3 grown kids Together: 29 years Sep: 5/8/09
