That HD/LD stuff is really an old way of thinking for you. Why not try something new?
"W has a hard time being sexual in the context of a committed M or "trying M" because it puts her back in the wife/mother identity. Her only sexuality in that identity is the "good Christian woman" sexuality and a lot of her expressed sexuality toward me is really a show, intended to project who she was taught a good woman is in bed and intended to protect my ego as the big man who satisifies his W completely once he gets her in bed."
"When I reach out tentatively to her, waiting for her to reciprocate, act horny, etc..., all it does is put pressure on her to go back into her standard performance -- a performance that is both sexually stifling and sexually inauthentic. This has nothing to do with her true sexuality. So, the big puzzle here is not how to overcome her asexuality/frigidity. This is not a problem because NEITHER problem exists. She is sexually frustrated, not asexual. She is sexually isolated in the role of wife/mother, not frigid. Indeed, truth be told, she is a hot, desperately horny woman who wants to be able to be present during sex. So, the big puzzle is instead how to let her be this woman in the context of a committed M or trying M. This is not a bizarre problem. It is not a problem that arises because she is selfish or vain. It is a problem with how women of her era were raised from the time they were tiny. They were raised to hide their sexuality, be a good girl, make their man happy. (So, why isn't she pretending more and keeping me happy? Because it is tedious, unrewarding, soul draining after awhile.)
Anyway, back to the solution... How to make it comfortable her to develop a true sexual identity without dumping the M and being a cougar? First, don't judge. Second, don't demand the response I would like. Third, don't expect the response I would like. Fourth, do things that remove her responsibility for sex and for pleasing me. For instance, rather than go in for the soft-caress-see-if-she-flinches approach that just keeps flopping, I could try something new. I could instead open the bathroom door when W steps out of the shower, tell her that she will step over to the bed, bend over and put her right cheek and palms flat on the mattress, and then I will enjoy myself, telling her exactly what to do. This allows her to enjoy sex without being responsible for the dirty girl aspects and without making her perform to satisfy my needs."
If you can do that, and then introduce some new sex toys to ensure your W has new sorts of Os, then I expect you'd start finding that your W is not really LD at all.
