My wife moved out a little over a year ago, saying she needed some space to "find herself" again. New apartment, new clothes, new everything. She took the dogs and some of her stuff and just left. All summer we're in contact with each other and she keeps talking about divorce, which I do not want. In September sh eventually admitted to an EA, then confessed to a PA with this guy from overseas. We talked about what happens next. She says she wants to work on us getting back together. I told her that I needed two things for that to happen ... 1) i need to hear her say that she is going to try to make it work. 2) there has to be no contact with the other guy whatsoever. She agrees, a week later she says she has told him no more contact. We talk a little bit over the next few weeks ... we do stuff together and it is uncomfortable, but I see progress.
Maybe three weeks later... she basically drops off the planet again. I got the DB books and talked to the counselor. She says to back off, GAL, and stop pursuing. I have a hard time with this. I'm not sure why, but it feels so - wrong. We try to talk and go do things, but I notice that it is always me initiating, so i try to stop calling and I get all panicked and frustrated. Between T-giving and Xmas we have maybe 3 interactions. She shows up on Xmas Eve asking to borrow the vacuum. ??? That's an odd time to borrow something after not speaking to me for weeks, but ok. We end up talking about us and what we both want. She says she wants to try to get things working with us, but can't bear to have it fail again. Ok, i get that. So when we try to actually do something I'm met with excuse after excuse.
Most of the spring we had been talking maybe once a week. We'd usually do dinner on the weekend. I started to notice something, that she only calls when there is a bill involved. She never actually calls me for anything else. We only do things together because I initiate them. So, her birthday was at the end of February. I asked to take her to dinner. She says "lets wait and see since it will be a busy week." So I wait. She texts me on the way home from work that she's gonna take a rain check on dinner. That is odd for her so I call to ask what's up. Apparently her friends from work decided to surprise her with dinner. She'd rather do that. I'm not happy, but I bite my tongue. I want to bring over a little gift I got ... something little and stupid but that she would find funny. She's too tired to do anything. She's too tired to see me.
So it dawns on me that I'm the only one engaged here. She says she wants it to work, but does absolutely nothing about it. About a month ago I was ready to file. We've been separated over a year. She's been emotionally checked out for almost 2. I'm tired. I'm lonely. And I'm wondering if she is ever going to come around. So ... about a month ago I went very very dim. I initiate no contact unless there is something we absolutely have to talk about. This is the part that is killing me, and I'm not even sure this is the best plan of action. In the last month I've heard from her twice. We had to take care of the car insurance. What I want is for her to initiate something, anything. If she wants us to work, why does she just sit there? My spider sense is all tingly and I don't like it. I keep thinking that if she is not getting her emotional needs met with me (and not even trying to), then she is getting them met somewhere else. I don't know. My intuition isn't wrong very often.
I've been debating having this big talk and asking her why she hasn't filed yet. I mean, we don't talk. We don't do anything together. We have almost no interaction. I know that that discussion will likely set us back, but I am soooooo frustrated right now. So what do I do now?
I know this post is disjointed. It is harder to get things out on paper than I thought.
If I don't initiate contact, WAW and I have no reason to communicate. She's on her own, doing her own thing. Whatever changes I'm making she doesn't see. It's like she just absolutely vanished from my life. Because I genuinely care about her, I'm usually the one to call just to say "Hi." My friends keep telling me that when a woman is done, she's done and there is nothing you can do about it. She's already made up her mind and nothing do is going to affect that. I don't understand, if we have almost no interaction, why she doesn't pull the trigger already? What does she possibly gain by staying married?
Your friends are wrong, as evidenced by many posts/threads on this board. She hasn't pulled the trigger yet because she hasn't made up her mind to do it. Saying it and doing it are two diffrent things. It's easy to say it, but harder to do it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I think my friends mean well, but they're only concerned with me being happy in the short term.
Maybe I'm trying to understand something for which there isn't an answer, or at least an answer I'm going to be happy with. In my head, it makes no sense to leave and disrupt both of our lives on such a monumental level if she isn't serious about filing for divorce. Maybe I just don't understand the half-way thing. For me, I'm either all-in or all-out. That makes this detaching thing much more difficult.
What is frustrating me most about this no contact thing is the silence. We got along great when we had contact before. We joke around. We laugh. I just got tired of being the one to always initiate things, so I stopped. I think I'm just second guessing my plan here.
I think my friends mean well, but they're only concerned with me being happy in the short term.
Maybe I'm trying to understand something for which there isn't an answer, or at least an answer I'm going to be happy with. In my head, it makes no sense to leave and disrupt both of our lives on such a monumental level if she isn't serious about filing for divorce. Maybe I just don't understand the half-way thing. For me, I'm either all-in or all-out. That makes this detaching thing much more difficult.
What is frustrating me most about this no contact thing is the silence. We got along great when we had contact before. We joke around. We laugh. I just got tired of being the one to always initiate things, so I stopped. I think I'm just second guessing my plan here.
They are concerned about you; they want you to stop hurting!
Maybe she doesn't know what she's gonna do...maybe he only thing she does know is that she needs to be out of it right now. Either way, if they want to leave, you have to let them...you can't stop them. There's a lot of it that we don't understand...it doesn't change the fact that it is what it is. I know it's hard! Not everyone is 'all-in or all-out'. We have to choke it down and deal with it the best we can.
Yeah...I know how hard it is. But you have to do it. That's what they want and need. Love her enough and care about her enough to give it to her. Don't second guess it anymore.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
This is the 20 million dollar question. W moved out over a year ago and was emotionally checked out for almost a year before that when the A started. I want things to work out with her. I really do. I can hear the struggle in her. I am just so very, very tired. Compared to others on these boards, two years doesn't seem like all that long. I think the solitude is the hardest part. I have been GAL-ing for awhile. I have lots of friends that I do things with. But there is still that piece missing.
If it were me, and this is only my opinion, I would decide on a certain amount of time to devote to trying to get her kick-started. And by that I mean using everything you know about DBing, which it sounds like you are doing for the most part, but especially the going dark and 180. I wouldn't pursue AT ALL. And I would decide on 6 or 8 months, or even a year, and then make a final decision at that point either to end it or give it another 6 months, depending on how I feel and what is happening with her.
It is interesting she hasn't filed yet - it sounds like she is still wanting to stay in the marriage.
You need to decide at this point whether you can give her more time or whether you are done and can move on.
Maggie
Me:47 H:49 3 grown kids Together: 29 years Sep: 5/8/09
So here's an update ... It's been almost 4 weeks since W and I have spoken. I called her on Sunday to let her know she can pick up the car insurance than she had been complaining about. I got the voicemail and haven't heard anything back. So I figure if it is THAT big of a deal, she'll call or something. Last night I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood ... and I ran in to her (she lives only a few blocks away). She says hi, then starts walking with me on her way home (I assume). I'm chipper and happy, pretending like I just saw her yesterday. So I asked her if she wanted to get the paperwork or if she wanted to do it later. My apartment is past hers, so we walk there talking. Every time there is a lull, she's quick to keep talking. We did talk about our living arrangement a little. My lease is up at the end of July so I told her that I was debating whether I wanted to renew or move closer to work. I commute about 1 1/2 hours each way, so something closer would be easier on me. She tells me her lease is already up, but hasn't renewed. She's looking for a cheaper place, but likes her neighbors, but still hasn't renewed. So fine ...
We get to my place and I'm frustrated and ask her "is this what you really want?" I know, no R talk. Her reply was "normal doesn't apply to us." Ok. I don't know what that means. It was all very vague and circular. So, I dropped it. It wasn't a big talk, just testing the waters a little. So we get to my apartment and she sits down on a chair outside and starts talking about this friend she knows, said she's been wanting to ask for my advice on some immigration issue. I know NOTHING about immigration and she knows this, so it is a weird question for her to ask. We end up talking about life stuff for about an hour on my porch. It's all very nice and engaging.
The conversation starts to lull and she keeps finding reasons to keep talking. So, after a little while I say "look, I have some stuff to do I will talk to you later." I get up ... she hugs me (!) and then I go inside. Normally, I would walk her home, but this time I just took my hug and turned around, which would be a 180 for me.
I know I shouldn't have brought up things with us. I think it is a good sign that she wanted to talk so much. Right? I'm still thinking of not initiating any contact. Thoughts anyone?
I'm just so exhausted. I'm tired of being the only one who is fighting for any kind of "us." I'm tired of trying and trying and getting nowhere. I'm tired of being alone. Friends are nice; so is doing fun things, but they're aren't what I really want. I miss my dogs. I'm sick of limbo. Boo limbo.
