Partner left after 9 yrs - Finished with ow!! wow

[brandnewday]

Unfortunately when there has been a huge seperation in a relationship things will never be the same as they used to be.

You can't go back in time, you can only move forwards.

That is why you have to look at the old relationship as DEAD and the work needs to be done on the NEW relationship.

People change Ali.

This is a time of getting to know one another again.

Not necessarily a rekindling of old sparks.

He needs to learn to trust you again, and you need to learn how to trust him.

If you can try to lower your expectations and just take one day at a time.

I think you are excited, you have been at this for a long time but perhaps a little overly enthusiastic as to the reality of the situation.

Piecing sucks big time and it does take a good year or so for things to be somewhat normal again.

He obviously has feelings for you, but did he actually tell you that he is fully invested in you and wants to commit to making the relationship work?

I know my posts piss you off..... but just the very fact that the "Helen" thoughts are starting to surface shows me that you are not fully over his affair.

Forgiveness is the key to this, and letting the past go.

It doesn't happen overnight.

[AliSuddenly]

Oh no, I do forgive him, I already had. I dont have a tonne of resentment about it in fact. Of course I am not fully over the affair though, we have never spoken about it! But mainly at the moment, its a confidence thing.. to do with s*x specifically (and not so much to do with my personality v hers, I know I am the more interesting/in tune partner). Thats what my fear is and what I meant when I told him I was scared. Because his BMF told me that my ex had said on first dating her that she was "proper dirty" in bed. He later said that thats all it was and he had got bored of that even (clearly as he then dumped her!)

Also wierdly, I do trust him! I more am concerned he's still putting me in a difficult position, holding the cards and I have to still act as if, as ITH says (thanks ITH, I really appreciate you coming back to the boards to help me! Your recent experience is valuable). So thats an interesting perspective.. he wasnt quite ready, but he wants me "in the bag" whilst he gets himself ready for an R with me.. you could be right.

The other wierd thing is, it doesnt feel like we essentially have changed, not on a soul level, although some of our behaviours have. But when we woke on Saturday, he asked if I was ok, we naturally turned to one another, front to front, he wrapped his arms around me, mine around his, he kissed me, then he did something I totally noticed.. he raised his leg a little so I could fit mine through, so I did and then our legs were entwined also.. and thats how we lay there, in the same 'shape' we used to on waking. And he did it automatically, and so did I, like the last 18 months hadnt happened. Just a small thing, but it spoke volumes to me. But perhaps that happens anyway, its a long time since I dated, so I cant remember how it is when you *just* date someone new. But I will try and view it that way.

I know I need to get a grip! I am feeling fearful, so I need to have MORE self belief than even the past 18 months. I have to really be strong and act as if, as ITH said... and also remember that he does have depression as he said in the car last night. This is partly why he wanted to go I guess, he felt low, so its an effort for him also, to impress me when he feels that way. I remember now ITH, you had to be so steely around your H and as someone said over page, let it roll off your back. And also, you used to go out and not always be available, so I need to try and do that a little too.

[AliSuddenly]

Gosh, this is hard.. I kind of thought I might not post so much if we got back together, how wrong I was !

So, Cher told me my ex told G that we spent Friday night together. G asked him if he had told me he was single yet.. my ex said, no, but I think she must have figured it out! Hmm, so he isnt going to tell me then.

He texted me to say he was at the driving range, then just phoned and was angling for me to go shop for clothes (for him that is !!!). I was super chatty, cool, happy, just said, ohh hope you find something nice and didnt take the bait (I did well there I hope!!). He said.. oh well I suppose you have college stuff to do. He then said he couldnt really be bothered to go, so I tasked him with a mission to give him something to do for me (his LL is Acts of Service!) I said, see if you can find me some red ink.. he said he would call me later and I threw in, yes, maybe we can do something...I turned down an invite to town, but I dont want him to think I dont want to see him??

God I feel like a newborn foal and someones also tied my legs together for a joke...

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Ali, You've been given some great advise!! Try to think of it as a dance, it wasn't a step back, but a step to the side. So all is still good. Be a cool girl & be happy with the time you do spend with him. Don't get greedy, which is so easy to do. Remember you control your happiness. No expectations with brian the snail! You are doing good!

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks MsM.. he just phond when the shops shut but was saying he probably ought to go home and wash up (great, 2 days into piecing and he'd rather wash up than see me). He did say, I suppose you are doing your work....he seemed like he wanted to see me but wouldnt say...in the end he said he was phoning to see what I was doing.. luckily Cher had offered for us to go to dinner later with them, and he perked up and jumped at it when I suggested it. So he said he will arrange it and call me later. He has already called me twice today, which is already about 500% more than he was doing until he finished with Helen 10 days ago!

So was I right to not join him in town? Should I have offered to go over to his tonight, or for him to come here and cook him dinner? I didnt, because then he would be forced to turn me down. He is clearly not decided and certainly not committed yet. He would rather tidy the house than see me. But I was super cool and happy on the phone about dinner with G and Cher and I said, yeah! Sounds great !! when really I felt hurt that he only keen to see me, in the safety of company.

Ok, this sucks. Big time. I dont want to moan, but it kind of detracts from the excitement of winning him back.

[naej]

So was I right to not join him in town? Should I have offered to go over to his tonight, or for him to come here and cook him dinner? I didnt, because then he would be forced to turn me down. He is clearly not decided and certainly not committed yet. He would rather tidy the house than see me.

First question. Yes right not to go
Second/ Third Question No and NO

Turning down the offer of joining him town is good but don't feel you then have to compensate by meeting him on the same day-he isn't going anywhere overnight is he.

Ali I know how hard or nigh on impossible for a girl like you to do but others who have been "here" will tell you the same
No pursuing, detach and no expectations, let him make the moves.
Especially when he hasn't even mentioned it is over with Helen, and seems like he is not intending to by what Cher said.
Talk about trying to bury an elephant.

When you said Cher offered for "us" I take it that meant you and x,so has he told them you are now back together or did they just assume after you spending the night?

I would and this is jmo, try to not let friends organise you into being together. I know they are friends of both of you but it seems like pressure and expectations that he will feel he has to meet.
You don't want this to be a fly by, wham, bam, thank you Mam, set up do you.

he seemed like he wanted to see me but wouldnt say

Well then don't put words in his mouth, let him tell you what he wants.
If this new rel gets off the ground you want it to be honest and open don't you,if it's to have any chance of growing into a lifelong commitment and not a walking on eggshells type.
It is going to take T I M E now do I have to tatoo that on your head along with the P word.

YOU are so so lucky to be where you are now, so make the most of it,in the great scheme of things a few weeks, whatever is nothing.

[Kalni]

Great job not takig the bait. You are doing better than I thought you would be not going nuts al over him!!!

To me it seems he has turned that point. Some people would vocalize it others will not. Brian the snail IMO belongs to the kind that will prefer to "let things naturally fall into place". At least not at this point. You have to remember he probably feels wrong to assume you will spend time with him when HE wants you too. So, he is playing it low key, doesnt want to seem arrogant. I think what you did todya was perfect. And when you meet, dont assume you are spending the night together or anything. Keep thinking as a single hot girl and act like it. Hopefully he will be smarter than my H (already is).
xxxx
K

[JCJ]

Ali,

I've just caught up. WOW!!! Congrats, I am so thrilled for you. I'm doing a virtual dance across the computer screen

I haven't much to add other than keep your eyes and ears open and take your cues from him and don't let him dictate your emotional temperature - remember what attracted him back and keep doing what works.

I have a huge smile on my face reading your thread!


Love J x

[AliSuddenly]

Hi girls! Julia, thankyou! What did you mean about emotional temperature taking? And yes Naej, I know how lucky I am! And yes, more patience hey, good god. K.. so I really am doing good? God I nearly phoned you today for a pep talk !! I thikn I am doing a little better actually (but hey its only been 4 days!!!!).

I sat in the cinema tonight and unlike last night, he took my hand for most of the film.. and I am looking down at that hand in mine (such a small thing, but it was the one thing I yearned for).. these two hands and its symbolic. You're not with her anymore, your with ME, holding MY hand..and SMILED alot in the dark.

Neaj.. as K says, he has turned a corner, but he's not good at being up front, so his friends think we are back together, but they are not rushing him. He phoned them to arrange tonight (this is costing me a fortune!!) I'm so grateful for their help so far and now, helping us through this awkward 'adjustment' period.

I felt all along, in terms of DBing, the wider circle of friends and family and the ex's are crucial to helping the cause. For me anyway, it has been massively instrumental in getting here.

So tonight we met them for dinner and a film and it was WAY more relaxed, as we werent left alone. He offered me his arm as we walked and TOLD ME I LOOKED NICE! First time since the day he left.

I knew he wanted to go home, so smiled and got out the car quick, but he said all earnest for me to drive safe and be careful (its raining, natch). My Mum said, my god, 18 months apart, all those nights on your own and he didnt even ring for a 3 month stretch and NOW he's worried about you on a 15 minute drive home!?

BUT.. I was a little perturbed he only gave me a peck good bye, on the lips.. shouldnt there be more passion at this stage!? If this is like a new R!? Do I need to spice it up around him !? I tried to think of little things I could do, I brushed his bum with my hand a bit and when he said I looked nice, I grabbed his face and kissed him lightly and he looked quite pleased with that, but he isnt really like that with me and I dont know why not, but I didnt overdo it. Or am I underdoing it?? I need to call Jody for advice.. QUICK!

[Dawn of Hope]

Ali,
You are getting so much good advice, I don't think I need to add to it, but I'm so pleased you are getting a second chance! I know at the beginning of my sitch I kept thinking that if my H would just wake up and realize how screwed up his thinking had gotten, everything would be fine. But...after all the time I've spent on these boards, and my own experiences over the last couple of years, I think it's more accurate to say that, even with as painful as it is to be separated, piecing is actually the hardest part. I hope I get the chance to find out, as you are now, but being in a R is intrinsically a whole lot more messy than living as a basically single person, because people are complex, and if you're solo then you only have your own complexities to worry about. But...in any R of any kind, whether romantic or not (parents, siblings, coworkers..), even if everyone has the best of intentions, you constantly have another person throwing that spanner into your nice neat plan.

Maybe it's time to go back and reread DR now that you are in piecing? Refresh your memory on some of the finer points? And definitely schedule another session with Jody!

I know you are feeling weird and awkward and uncertain about how all this is going to work, but even so, you have been sounding stronger and more confident lately (and, dare I say it, a little less obsessive!). Remember, REMEMBER those hard lessons you have learned since he left...

I am thinking of you and hoping and praying for all the best for you!

Peace and blessings,
Dawn