Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

I guess fatigue affected me alot yesterday. Just a small bit more hopeful today. Had a good lunch/walk with H. I had therapy this morning and I think after that I detached emotionally a bit before seeing H, which helped. Did a lot of validating and just listening today.

My C wondered if H had the affair because he felt he wanted out and didn't know how to get out-not sure how that fits into a MLC, but that idea hadn't really occurred to me.

The girls have a musical performance tonight so H and I will sit together. H mentioned getting together for our 'fun" dinner- I didn't..I'll let him work out the details. Things feel so much more calm when I can emotionally detach-just not sure how to keep it going..

[kjensen]

Update/?RANT:
Things haven't been very harmonious lately with H. He seems to have more anger: pinpointing every misstep I make. He is overly sensitive about ANYTHING that might be construed as controlling.

He sees everything as negative, 'we always fight', 'you always send emails in the afternoon saying you are sorry', 'what did I do wrong now?'..my reality: we rarely fight and if so over stupid things/miscommunication.. I haven't emailed him in weeks and it wasn't about being sorry..I left the kids honors breakfast early this morning b/c H was being peevy at me for no reason. He later called me at work to see if I was OK. When I called him back the first words out of his mouth were: 'what did I do wrong, now?"- I said I had a lot on my mind and it wasn't about him...I haven't pointed out anything 'wrong' with him for months! Just validating!!! AAAgh.

My C says he is acting like teenager rebelling against me and sees me as the mother figure...He definitely is channeling his teen self..Fixed up and waxed his car and has talked about how great it looks for DAYS!...

Since I don't have experience yet with rebelling teens..Any suggestions? I have said "I'm sorry you feel that way" ALOT lately.. H seems to be in several MLC phases simultaneously: Anger, Replay, Depression..don't know if I've read of other's spouses doing that. Any advice on handling things better?

I'm just discouraged (I know its a long haul, this is just a few days)..I want some kind of glimmer of hope. I feel more rejected than ever: I had put my hand on H's hand the other day in sympathy over something and he said he was uncomfortable with that... If I knew more what to expect and could predict his actons/"script" better I think I'd not take things so personally. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I just feel hurt and abandoned and overwhelmed right now.

[In Limbo]

KJ,

I think you just need to keep doing what you're doing. It's odd, my H has just started the anger thing too. Until now, we've been getting along remarkably well (no fighting) since the bomb. Now, it's just as you described - pinpointing every misstep - and if he can't find out, he makes one out of nothing. I'm wondering if it's because they see the changes we're making and it scares them. It's easier to leave a witchy woman than one that's being so good to them and making positive changes. But they're also scared that it's just "an act" and if they stay, things will go back to the way they were before.

I'm interested to hear what advice you get from some of the more sage souls around here.

Hang in there!

[kjensen]

I'm wondering..since I've been trying the route of remaining friends with H through this...at some point is that slowing the process? I think it will be easier in all respects to separate more, do my own thing more, once this comunication class is over and school is out(all the last week of May). There won't be a reason to see each other and interact unless H initiates.

I know its best to have no expectations..but I can't shake my negative expectations. I really think H won't initiate anything/won't try to maintain a friendship..

[job]

k,
Your C is spot on. He is acting out and you will need to find a way to separate the behavior from the man you once knew. The behavior sucks and yes, you are dealing with a teenager mentality and emotionally charged man right now. You are definitely the authority figure in his life (motherly) and he's trying like heck to break away from "mom" and become independent and free.

As for the comments about fighting...heard that one myself...he's projecting on to you what he sees happening within himself and his past (parents). I wouldn't take anything he says to heart right now because his view of the world is so warped and totally different from reality. You know what your marriage and relationship were like, so wrap those memories around your heart to protect it and just listen and let it go.

They all bounced around in the stages and what your h is doing is very typical, anger, replay and depression. There will come a time when he will begin to distance himself from you....that's typical.

I know that you feel discouraged and rejected, but you will need to dig deeper and find your inner strength to carry you through his crisis if you are going to continue to stand. You've done well in being a friend, but you have to keep your expectations at zero or you will have your feelings hurt over and over again. Treat him just as you would a cousin or the mailman for now. Love him from afar and give him plenty of space and time to work through his crisis.

It's time to focus on you and your children. It's time to think about what you want to do while he's circling earth. Leave the door ajar and continue moving foward.

Hang in there.

[peacetoday]

K
You have done amazingly well at keeping your kool through this
It is so difficult
I think a lot of us establish a friendship right away after bomb and reading DR
we are amazed at how well our H respond and connect
they seem to like the way we are..non confrontive. supportive , caring ect.
we know how well it is going and we are getting along..we know how hard we are trying
the problem is b/c of the crises our H cant really see anything
they may realize things are quiet
my H and I conected well for 2 years..i was a very good friend to him
the minute I left..R over..My XH does not have any capacity to really be a real friend to me or anyone
they seem to have to travel far far away ..mine is further away now than anytime in crises
I also wondered did our friendship hold us back..or hole him back
maybe so..i dont know
maybe he was on the fence and couldnt get off until I broke the fence b/c I couldnt do it anymore
or I refused to
nothing you do will be a mistake
your growth needs to come first and standing is probably part of your growth for now
there is no way to tell what will happen
I used to think XH would return..I felt it
now I focus on my life, my kids ect and door is so slightly open but im not sure i would take him back anyway
snodderly always has great advice
zero expectations and the process taked longer than you think it will
peace

[kjensen]

Snodderly,
Thank you for yor thoughts/advice. I've always found your insight on people's threads so helpful! I definitely can see H's behavior for what it is-reliving something n is adolexcence that needs to be dealt with..it is hard for me to separate his behavior from who he is I think because some of he time he still acts normal, is going to a class with me..not recklessly spending money like some MLCers..

But when he isn't himself-I can see it and get it, but the mental insight rearding the change is delayed for me-like I get swept into a lull of normality..and yes expect more normality when I should expect nothing and look for the next turn on the rollercoaster ride...

I am focusing on me and the girls, but I do get angry and resentful, especially on the weekends when he could be spending time with his daughters and is silent to us all.

I am struggling with how to keep my mind in the right place and how to deal and overcome my anger without sharing with H.

I appreciate the reminder about withdrawal...
When things seem 'normal' I do tend to forget I'm dealing with some real stages that H has to process through before things really become more reality-based...

Snodderly and Peace & IL- thanks for posting I've kind of felt alone here the last few days...

[In Limbo]

KJ,

Please know you're not alone here. I read your thread daily, but as a newbie at this I'm not always sure I have helpful insight. But I can so feel your pain. The bouncing back and forth between "normal" and the alien invasion make it so hard to detach for me as well. And I also struggle with how to overcome the hurt, anger and resentment without sharing/talking over with H. Do you journal or write letters (never to be sent)? Sometimes that helps me work through the anger. Have a good Monday - try to do something fun with your girls today. Hang in there!

[peacetoday]

sometimes they have secret credit card accounts
mine did
I also didnt think my xh was blowing through as much money as he did
the amounts is unbelievable
especially if there is ow
just be cautious
credit compainies are calling me even thgough we are d
peace

[kjensen]

So,
I'm having a pretty crappy day. Went home for lunch and H acted weird and I asked him how his weekend was and he said "not good". He seemed like he wanted to say something but was having a hard time..(in my head I'm thinking well maybe he broke up with the OW!) BUT NO. He's decided he wants a divorce. He wants to get moving on it because he hates being in limbo. He still feels some conflict and he was emotional and cried some. I went back to work then got the rest of the day off. Came home and we talked some more. He saw a second lawyer last week, signed paperwork and sent them a check on Saturday. He said he wasn't sure if that's what he wanted but he eels better having made a decision... We talked for quite awhile this afternoon-didn't DB very well as I was so distraught and caught off guard.

H says he wants to get something in his life settled. He feels our (rewritten) history is too much to overcome, that his having an A is too much to overcome. He doesn't love himself and he can't forgive himself. He doesn't see marrying the OW or that they even have much of a future. He agreed that our girls wold never meet her. He refuses MC,not even with Michele. It hurts too much.

H doesn't feel therapy has helped him. He still feels like everything is 'crap'. He is still depressed and 'suicidal'.

I wanted to see who his lawyer was since he said he wrote them a check I looked at hs register-but no check is missing from his business account-so he must have opened a new one. He paid $5000 down. This is a man who said he wanted mediation. He still says today that he doesn't care about money or stuff, yet in an angry moment he said don't forget half the house is mine...

This was on something he wrote in his office:
" Loss of Self Esteem

Control
Agreed t things I shouldn't have to avoid conflict?
told what to do/when to do it/how to do it

Kept-Man
Change in wages. We live off of your income
Household chores/maintenance
Can't afford to live on my own even though I want to

Loss of Self-Esteem
didn't speak up enough to things important to me
sacrificed my career and earnings potential

He didn't go with the lawyer he first met with, that was pro-mediation...I didn't find out why he went with who he finally picked(more aggressive?)..but H told me the name of his first lawyer in case I wanted to call someone...

So I'm a bit panicked. I have no idea how this works and I'm very conflicted between believing that things may still turn around and wanting to protect myself financially.

How can I DB and be positive about us and still not get taken in a divorce? H says he signed with this different lawyer b/c they take care of all the details..but don't we tell the lawyers what we want/how we want to separate things t some exent? If his lawyer wanted to split things down the middle per the state worksheet and H says that's not what he wants..won't the lawyer have is way? Is he saying (without saying it) that he's going to have the lawyer take me to the cleaners so he will look innocent and good?

H admits he still has conflicts..I said I will hope that this marriage lasts until the divorce papers are signed...he understands but is standing by his decision, of course.

Of course, we won't be going to the last two communication classes..

I need help. I can't get my head around all of this. Vets please post!