he is back, i think

[vickyd]

Hi mdoodles, good job in expressing your needs. I hope it works and is sustainable. But have no fear you have the tools and the expertise to call on here, if he reverts.

[mdoodles]

thanks. sustainable? who knows.

what i do know is that things go up and down and will continue to go up and down until we break the cycle.

how to break the cycle? again, who knows...

i want so badle to detach, to remove myself from the up and down. but now that he is back, if i see effort from him, i need to match it and go with it and work with it.

[mdoodles]

nothing too new here....h was quiet last night after work, things with the business are not what we expected, money is tight which is something neither of us are used to.

we brought in dinner and ate together, even though he was quiet, still a good thing to eat at the table as a family.

he fell asleep downstairs. i used to wake him up, i dont anymore.

i will continue to let him know my feelings, either by saying it or email.

it may be one way to do something different. in the past, i would stay quiet and let things go.

i wont do that again. perhaps it may help to break the pattern we fall into.

[bluerain]

Hi mdodles. I think that being upfront about what you are thinking, or needing is an excellent plan. I have been travelling all weekend, so I havent kept up much on everyones sitch. How was your weekend?

[mdoodles]

h is all pissy today because business is slow.

which of course will make him pissy in general, pissy at me and disconnected.

i have to tell u, our problems were never about us, never about me, never about what i did or didnt do.

it was always based on his mood, his view of the world and what he felt was the cause of his unhappiness.

im going to try to deal with his moods differently this time around, but i dont even know if it will help at all.

im not like him, im not like most people. i have so much to deal with at the moment, like so many of you, but i always have a smile on my face and a positive attitude.

i always see the glass half full. i wish he could too.

im dealing with foreclosure on my beautiful beautiful big house, trying to figure out where we will go, dealing with the affair, dealing with the new business that is making no money, trying to figure out our health insurance plan, dealing with creditors calling for h, dealing with h being home, taking care of my son, wondering where he will go to school in the fall etc.

but u know what? being miserable about it doesnt help.

[bluerain]

I remember feeling great, lost about 30 lbs, had a tan, got to play outside every day, was financially stable, and surrounded by friends, and I saw H, he had also lost about 20 lbs, which on his military physique, looked awful. Sunken eyes and cheeks, grey hair. I remember thinking, wow, what a difference perspective makes.

You seem to have a great positive attitude, I think that it will take you far! They are his moods, dont let them bring you down. Im not sure, maybe you can google male moodiness? I bet you can find a few good books or info about it. Thats a tough one, as a society we focus on how moody and bit(#y we females are! No one mentions that sometimes men are EVEN WORSE!

[lost-n-Iowa]

I have just read your thread and wanted to offer my support. Hang in there you are doing great!!!

The sleeping on the couch thing is what I have been focusing on in the past posts that you have made. Before everything went down between my H and I, I would sleep on the couch when I was feeling down about something. I would continue to do it when I knew that it bothered my H and he would confront me about it. I would sleep on the couch because I did not want to be near my H after we had a big arguement or that he had treated me with less respect than I beleived that I deserved. I realize that your h has been sleeping there for two weeks now, mine usually lasted a few nights, but there is an underlying reason for it. If you can think back for reasons that may have set this off two weeks ago maybe you can put your finger on it. If he is always moody than you might not be able to.

I would send him an email and ask him politely why he is doing this. Tell him that you want to understand his reasons and that you are not asking him to change what he is doing (this is the hard part), but that you just want to understand.
Earlier someone said that if you don't act like it is bothering you then he may change how is is acting and stop sleeping onthe couch. I agree.

Another thought prehaps....you want him close for intimate contact and he wants to sleep on the couch for whatever reason....Have you thought of having intimate contact on the couch then going to your bed after that? He may see that you are trying to understand what his needs are but that you have needs too. Remember men are physical and woman are emotional. Maybe meeting him on a physical level will open his eyes to your emotional level.

Hope this help a bit.

[mdoodles]

i like that, i should go to him when he is on the couch...

the thing is, i dont want to be rejected. maybe i will be, maybe i wont be, i just dont want to be hurt anymore.

nothing happened between us to send him to the couch, i think its a combination of the coming back home mixed with our other problems such as the store and finances.

i email him all the time, regarding how i feel, about the couch about sex about the store. about everything.

if he is on the couch, he wants to be left alone. so maybe i should.

[lost-n-Iowa]

I guess you could try going to him at least once when he is on the couch and see what type of reaction that it brings out in him. If it is good or bad, at least you know where you are at on this path.

I can see why he would have a hard time with adjusting to coming back. Maybe he has lots of feelings inside that he does not understand and since he does not understand himself, he is secluding himself.

You said that he was moody and had his ups and downs before. Tell me if I am wrong, but did he have problems with being able to communicate his feelings before the affair to you?

My H always told me that before I came along he had no idea that he could have any other emotions but a bit of happy and anger. My H has never been good at expressing himself either and when he does it is usually the 'wrong' way. He would leave for hours and not answer his phone. He would go out a get ripping drunk and when I would ask him what was going on, he would just say that he could not handle how he was feeling at the time.

Maybe your H is having difficulty with his own emotions and is pulling away from you by sleeping on the couch, thinking that if he distances himself from you then he won't hurt your feelings, you won't argue, and/or he will have room to think. In your mind this is wrong, in his mind it is right.

Try going to him on the physical level and when you are finished, let him know that you love him and that he may join you in the bed. Then head there yourself and get some sleep. Hopefully he will come to his senses and follow you.

Hang in there and keep posting. We are all here for you.

[lost-n-Iowa]

Oh, and about being rejected. I can certainally understand that. No one wants to be rejected. But remember the last time you had emailed him and voiced your feelings he came to the bedroom willingly. You did not have say 'lets go make love' but yet that is where it ended. I think you may be surprise to find that he will not reject a beautiful, loving, willing, (and maybe a little bit erotic) wife, if you try to jion him on the couch for a short session of connecting with him. Hopefully connecting with him this way will help him connect to you on the level that you need.