PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[PositivelyMommy]

Had an R talk with H. I know not supposed to but just had it this week.

He had called to say that he won't be able to see the kids again and gave me some bs about work. I didn't confront him at the time. But I KNEW he was lying again and I just wonder to myself, how long do I have to take this bs?

So after consulting with my brother and my BFF, I had a talk with H.

I told him a few things that were on my mind:

1) We need to tell the kids about us, I don't feel good about lying. But I don't want to jeopardize his relationship with the kids and don't know what to say exactly
2) If people ask me about him, I will tell them the truth also
3)I am OK with him not coming to see the kids but I need more notice and also I DO NOT want to hear the reason why (because it's probably B.S. anyway and I want to send the message that I am not going to take it anymore). There is no need for me to know the reason why. ( He wanted to protest but I stared him down)
4)I am thinking of moving back home in December. (He was shocked, I think)
5) I am changing my mind about taking the kids to visit his Mom next month. I told him I have too much work. Then I kept my mouth shut. He then slowly said he might be able to take some time off and take them maybe.

He had the audacity to say that he didn't want the kids to think badly of either of us. I replied, 'Why would they think badly about me?' He said, 'Because it takes two people.' I said, ' I don't understand, I didn't do anything to justify your actions.' He said, 'I told you why in depth.' I said, 'I heard what you said and understand your feelings. I just don't think my actions justified YOUR actions or decisions. For the breakdown of this marriage and for your NOT TRYING. I just don't agree that they will see me in a bad light.'

I know this was NOT the right DB thing to do, I just couldn't let him slam me. He has not grown a bit. Even after one year of counselling. I don't believe it. He still blames me for his infidelity, cheating, lying! I am very sad. I see now that he has not changed his POV, will not want to change it and will NEVER come home. He can't see his contribution.

It's very sad but in a way, it makes my move easier. I don't have to look back and wonder 'if I had stayed a few more months maybe...'

Well, I stood up for myself. I feel like cr*p. We didn't have an out and out fight. We didn't really argue, we just didn't agree.

So that means our previous conversations of him saying 'this was neither of our faults' was all b.s. He did think it was my fault and I had caused him to cheat, lie and betray me. All of his work with his counsellor who was trying to show him that he was a man who craved excitment, that marriage and life can get a little dull. He was NOT listening, he still go back to blaming me.

I am so angry now. He is still so in the fog. I am running out of compassion and patience and goodwill towards this man.

I know I am a woman of incredible patience. I just hope OW has incredible patience as well because I don't know how she could live with him. That R is doomed.

I know what I am walking away from. I know that he is not the man I knew. He holds so much hate in his heart and so much blame underneath the surface.

When I told him that I will not lie to everyone anymore he said, Oh I assumed that you had told people. I said, No I wouldn't disrespect my children like that. They do not know so I will not tell other people. And anyway, the last time I threatened to tell people you got SO mad at me. ( He threatened to make the D very ugly and never ever talk to me again if I jeopardized his job.) So are you really OK with me telling people?

All right everyone. I know people will be telling me what I have done wrong, I am expecting your advice.

But I am glad we had it out. Not good for M but good for my peace of mind of never to having to tell lies anymore or to listen to them.