Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[Thinker]

Thanks Sandi,

I do have a question to ask you (and all) regarding transparency (good or bad right now).

3 months ago when everything blew up, I threatened to expose OM to his W, he ran, etc, my W and I agreed to mutual transparency - even signed the agreement. She agreed to leave the passwords to her computer, email accounts, etc open. I agreed to do the same.

Now I can see that this transparency is creating more resentment in her than it is causing problems. In her mind, I am now sitting in my office all day reading her mail. I'm not. Most of the time I stay completely away from it because I don't want that type of codependency for me. The most I have ever done (Once in the past 2 months - during the blow up about her renewed contact with OM) was to open her mail account and run a search for his email address. I found nothing.

She says "I hate the fact that you are reading my mails to all of my friends" - I can't reassure her that I am not.

She has also been advised by her doctor to start journaling. She want's to use her computer for this, but does not want me reading her journal (nor would I want her reading mine).

If I try to explain that the transparency is for the purpose of restoring trust between us in order to give our M a chance, she says "You are not listening to me! I don't know if I want to save our M!" or something similar.

Things have gotten bad enough that she tried to test me -- planting something for me to read and then watching for me to find it and get angry. I wondered why she was acting weird for 2 days, and she finally just came out and asked me if I had read it.

So for now, she has not directly asked me to release her from the agreement, but I know that is what she wants.

I am also afraid that the agreement and transparency right now is causing more problems than it is solving. With it, she is feeling controlled by me, even when I am not controlling. Without it, I might be able to detach more, and she would feel less invaded and more private. It might give her the space to think rather than resent me.

She might also use the privacy to restart an A with OM or with someone else, but (and this is hard for me to really admit) I can't stop that. I don't think the transparency would stop it either.

So here is the question:

I am seriously considering sitting down with her for a few minutes, tearing up the transparency agreement, and REQUESTING that she change her passwords - not telling her she can, because then I may be angry that she actually did it. I would request that she change all of them and put a password on her computer.

Pro's: It would give each of us some much needed space, and may relieve some of the tension between us. It could allow her to start trusting me again. It could allow me to let go.

Con's: It could simplify the her trying to maintain contact with OM, could extend or increase the A, and could increase my own lack of trust in her.

I know there are lots of conflicting opinions regarding transparency and affairs. What do you all think?