Read the DB books last spring when my W told me ILYBINILWY message. Had a crummy summer, but the DB books and the coaches helped me throught it and in the fall, we had a wonderful reconcilliation. Never been more in love with my W for the past 6 months.
2 months ago something changed, almost like someone flipping a switch. Tried to look inside to see if I had relapsed and yes, I had started to go back to some of my old ways and again am focused on those things. In any case I asked W if something had changed, that I had noticed she had changed and was wondering what was up. Her answer was that she was stressed from work, kids, etc...
OK, understand, I'll continue to be supportive. But I also expected her to notice that I noticed and maybe change her attitude toward me. Nothing. Two weeks ago, I asked again (via letter) about what had changed between us - told her specifically what I was seeing (no interest in sex, no longer hugging me back when I hug her, no longer wanting to hold hands while watching TV). And one more thing - which now i realize is the most damning. I aksed her if going back on the pill is impacting her feelings and since she is possibly pre-menopausal, could that be the issue. Note that I had a vasectomy 15 years ago. No need for birth control on my end, but I know her sister has issues with her period and the doctor suggested the pill to reduce cramping. This is what I was expecting. But still a huge red flag. Still not expecting an affair - thought it was more just between us and lack of focus on making our M work.
Still no response. Nothing. She's still home, sleeps in the same beg, kisses me goodnight (although not every night), but still no sex, no hugging back, nothing changed.
Now My Bad - I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did. Found out about the affair. Not sure where it is at, still a EA or if it has moved to a PA, but now that she decided to be on the pill I'm more convinced about a PA. Texting between them 20-30x a day for the past 2 months. Phone calls. Possible sexting. Lying to me about what she is doing, where she is going. Same activities as last spring, but in my mind more advanced - last spring it was just a EA, but still the lying, etc... which I caught her doing a couple of times.
I undertsnad the addiction part of affairs. I'm going to talk to my coach this week again. I know I need to continue to be a great dad and continue to work on me.
OM is a mutual friend currently going through a decision on if he wants a divorce. His W had a PA (might still be), and it has been a loveless marriage for at least 5 years. My wife has been helping his wife through her issues with he PA. Still not sure how my W and OM hooked up, and I don't need to know. All our friends would be shocked if this came out.
I'm really torn here on what to do. It's eating me up inside. I've quit checking the texting, etc... but by not at least ackowledging it, I fell as though I am lying to myself by continuing on as though nothing is going on. But maybe that is the right course. Stop the hugs, kisses, etc... but no acknowledgment of what I know.
My question then is this: do I completely ignore the fact that I know about the affair? Or do I ackowledge the affair, with some statement like "I know about you and XXXX and I'll be here when you want to talk about it". Or do I flat out accuse her and give the the ultimatum (i know that's bad) "end it or move out".
