Oh no, I do forgive him, I already had. I dont have a tonne of resentment about it in fact. Of course I am not fully over the affair though, we have never spoken about it! But mainly at the moment, its a confidence thing.. to do with s*x specifically (and not so much to do with my personality v hers, I know I am the more interesting/in tune partner). Thats what my fear is and what I meant when I told him I was scared. Because his BMF told me that my ex had said on first dating her that she was "proper dirty" in bed. He later said that thats all it was and he had got bored of that even (clearly as he then dumped her!)

Also wierdly, I do trust him! I more am concerned he's still putting me in a difficult position, holding the cards and I have to still act as if, as ITH says (thanks ITH, I really appreciate you coming back to the boards to help me! Your recent experience is valuable). So thats an interesting perspective.. he wasnt quite ready, but he wants me "in the bag" whilst he gets himself ready for an R with me.. you could be right.

The other wierd thing is, it doesnt feel like we essentially have changed, not on a soul level, although some of our behaviours have. But when we woke on Saturday, he asked if I was ok, we naturally turned to one another, front to front, he wrapped his arms around me, mine around his, he kissed me, then he did something I totally noticed.. he raised his leg a little so I could fit mine through, so I did and then our legs were entwined also.. and thats how we lay there, in the same 'shape' we used to on waking. And he did it automatically, and so did I, like the last 18 months hadnt happened. Just a small thing, but it spoke volumes to me. But perhaps that happens anyway, its a long time since I dated, so I cant remember how it is when you *just* date someone new. But I will try and view it that way.

I know I need to get a grip! I am feeling fearful, so I need to have MORE self belief than even the past 18 months. I have to really be strong and act as if, as ITH said... and also remember that he does have depression as he said in the car last night. This is partly why he wanted to go I guess, he felt low, so its an effort for him also, to impress me when he feels that way. I remember now ITH, you had to be so steely around your H and as someone said over page, let it roll off your back. And also, you used to go out and not always be available, so I need to try and do that a little too.