Partner left after 9 yrs - Finished with ow!! wow

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

I think Naej hit the nail on the head when she suggested that your ex might feel as though he should jump back into an R with you because it's what you want. I don't mean to suggest that he doesn't want an R with you and hasn't already willingly recommitted in his mind. He may just not be ready to have everything that goes along with the R so quickly. He may know that you are what he wants, and doesn't want to take the risk of losing you, so is doing what he needs to do to make sure you stick around. I don't mean to imply that your ex is being sneaky or deceitful in any way. My guess would be just that he knows you are ultimately what he wants and so is trying to do everything he can to make sure that you will be around when he is completely ready. It is probably not a conscious plan of any kind.

OK something else that others have already sort of mentioned--I wouldn't initiate physical affection yet. I remember when I was first back home and I wanted to kiss my H so much, and every time I would post about that on my thread, I'd get a response that this was pressuring to him. It is probably the same to your ex. I promise you that he knows that you want him and accept him for who he is. If you can slow it down emotionally a bit, he will probably feel more comfortable around you and may start being more affectionate of his own accord. In fact, when I was home and my H first said he wanted to try to work on things (via email) I had responded to him and just poured out my emotions, that I loved him, that I wanted a fresh start etc. His response? "Slow things down a bit." This was gutting as you don't feel like you should have to slow things down with the love of your life, but looking at it from another standpoint, you have worked so hard to get to this point, and if you can patiently rebuild, you will have the kind of R that many couples will never get to have. You will both have been forced to really think about what matters, rather than just going with the flow.

The biggest piece of advice I can give from my own experience is to keep a positive, upbeat attitude at all times around your ex, and let his comments roll off your back. After all-he is still trying to spend time with you, and has initiated seeing you 3 days in a row. If he doesn't want to come in one night, can you make a joke of it somehow like "your loss then?" and wink? Just an example, but if you can be a bit more playful and light, he really might relax. My H was clinically depressed too, and often had really dark spells where everything in life was just terrible. Rather than reminding him how I was there to support and be positive, I just listened when I could so that he would realize of his own accord that he could talk to me, rather than having his depression and issues shoved in his face all the time. Maybe also just act as-if you are just starting to date your ex, and follow the same rules you would in the early stages of an R. Of course things are different as you already love each other and have a history, but not acting too dependent on him in the beginning stages might just be what he needs to feel more comfortable.

The other thing I can say is that once you give him exactly what he wants (space and time to figure things out), he may realize that he needs less of this than he thought he needed. He may have done a lot of processing about Helen already, and probably emotionally detached from her long before ending things. At this point he might just be thinking about himself and what he has to give and whether he deserves you and the R. The worst thing that could happen, IMO, is for him to be put in a position where he feels guiltier. If he feels like he has to watch out for your feelings, and if he realizes how much his actions are hurting you, this is what could make him question whether you'll be able to get over what he did to you in terms of leaving, a much bigger issue than him not coming in after a movie.

So today you have a great opportunity to see your ex again and be light and happy Ali! Please remember that you are getting a second chance, and if you can focus on how amazing that is instead of all the hurdles in the way, you might feel better.

Looking forward to hearing the next chapter...

ITH