Funny, I just read your post above the comment I responded to. Boy do I relate. This is some kind of bizarre purgatory and honestly I vacillate between feeling like the most together woman in the world (managing my emotions, being on with H when he's around and then dark when he's not) and other times I feel physically ill and like I am a rat on one of those balls just running tirelessly to nowhere.
I think the point is that this choice to DB does require growth (which of course is painful) and risk (because we are choosing to believe it is worth the effort). I try to remind myself that this is not for H but for me and that if he walks away from a S who is willing to work this hard and be this incredible, too bad for him and I'll move on. Still, we know what we want here and the little flickers of hope are like whiffs of hot soup coming from some house and we're starving and can't tell if it is a mile away or right in our own kitchens (I love my metaphors... :/).
Sometimes I wonder what alternative I have anyway. I have friends who have gotten divorced and no matter how they play it, it hurts. We are just trying to go through this as consciously as is humanly possible, right?
