New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks a bunch for sharing and taking the time to care. To answer your questions:

- The R was definitely strained after my return from Iraq. Wasn't like that before. I noticed it myself with a lot of impatience, sudden anger outbursts for no apparent reason. It just exploded like a grenade, affecting both wife and children. The anger was never physical. Just verbal with,at times, a lot of decibels. The frequency was about every other week or so. Not daily. But it took its toll on the family each year.

- My wife and I communicated very well during all our separation with the military. Daily or at least weekly phone calls, emails, etc. My wife and I also have a good anchor in our faith, and church is an integral partof our life.

- I am 99% sure my wife never had any EAs during our 15 year M. I never had any reason to think about any type of EAs or PAs while I was gone. I may be wrong. But to this day, I am 99% sure that my wife does not have any EAs or PAs.

The night of our big fallout 11 months ago, I got really upset because my wife has been withdrawn for weeks at a time. She spent more time on the computer playing games, or sleeping with the boys instead of coming to bed with me. she always gave the excuse that the boys couldn't fall asleep so she would stay with them a bit. she ended up staying with them all night. I asked her that evening why she wouldn't stay with me. she said she felt she always had to walk on eggs around me, never knowing if I was in a good mood or not, never knowing when I'd blow up again, so she retreated into keeping to herself. I got irrated and yelled while following her thru the house. She decided the next day that this was too much and that I needed to seek help.
She packed the kids and left to stay with her parents, 900 miles away.

That was my wake up call when she said she wasn't coming back. I tried counseling briefly after returning from Iraq, but stopped after 4 sessions. I should have co ntinued. I turned down offers from my wife to go to counseling with her. That was 4 years ago. So after she left, I really took it seriously and truly worked on myself. I sought counseling off-base, so no one would know that I am in counseling. I have a crucial leadership position in the military and I just didn't want anyone to know that I had marital issues and PTSD.

Anyway, I did all the pursuing, begging, etc during the first 4 months after my WAW left. But then I stopped calling repeatedly or writing daily. I stuck to one weekly call. she wanted me to keep that going. I try to call my sons every 2-3 days, and see them about every 3 months physically. It's very hard.

- So here I am, Sandi. 11 months later. I still keep up with the weekly calls. My WAW and I have decent talks over the phone. Usually with a friendly tone. No mention of divorce (although she filed end of JAN 09), or anything to settle or expedite divorce proceedings.

- I am still in counseling since I started it 11 months ago, and I enjoy it a lot. The highlight of my week. I don't know if my wife is in counseling. No idea. I decided to keep up with the weekly calls to show consistency and showing my wife that I do respect her space and I will abide with that weekly call.

I don't know what else to do. So I finally got on this BB to seek advice from all of you.

A lot to chew on Sandi. Thanks for taking the time to read or respond. I do have thoughts of sometimes giving up. But I always believe the time is not now. Maybe I need to do something else, vary my phone call routine, do a 180, but what kind of 180?

Again THANKS for reading.

JR09