Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[Heartbroken20]

IWITW - Thanks for your advice and encouragement, we all need it (and some of us, read "me", repeatedly) and I appreciate it. I have spoken briefly with a L but not really in depth. W went to one back in JAN to "just see what everything entails and gather some info in case things don't work out". Only found out about it when a bill came in the mail. W was REALLY pissed as she had paid in cash while there "so she wouldn't hurt me". Gee thanks.

Has she completely lost track of the fact that she (not me) is trying her best to make sure things don't work out? Although she says "if I was sure I wanted to leave, I would already have done it", I think she is just biding her time until she has another situation set up or until she baits me into blowing up so she can use that as an excuse so as not to feel so guilty about it.

I can TRULY understand the rollercoaster. I've been on it for well over a year now and trust me, it's seems to be a never ending nightmare. Unfortunately, I do it to myself by continuing to hope she will come to her senses soon so when she says something that looks like she's finally waking up (or the alien body invaders are packing their bags) I take the bait and dare to hope. Next thing I know, she reiterates how much she's NOT in love with me any more and doesn't think she'll ever get it back, too much bad history between us. Ouch.

You are doing better than most at controlling your reactions and diverting your attention to something more productive, certainly better than me. I sit and stew about it as it makes absolutely no friggin sense whatsoever. Very tough for me to accept completely illogical and/or unreasonable behavior/emotions coupled with a complete lack of remorse for causing so much destruction.

That, coupled with continued disbelief that everything I've ever wanted or worked for is now utterly disposable to the person who matters most to me, makes most of my days pretty miserable. I'm sad most of the time and try not to let it show but it probably comes through here and there. Worst of all is the sense of helplessness to do anything about it. And when things I DO try end up backfiring on me, it makes me gun shy to try other things.

The only way I can muster the strength to play NMMNG, is to begin to actively dislike her and that really hurts as well. Catch 22 in the pain department. Plus after over a year of trying, it starting to look like throwing in the towel is inevitable, despite my best efforts.

Read this back and sorry to be such a whiny wimp but today is definitely a low day and a little venting seemed in order.