It is probably not right to say STILL pursuing, but I definitely started pursuing again. I really backed off for a long time, but felt that what I was doing was not working. I backed off completely, she backed off in return, and the net result was that we were not even ever talking to each other - "see, we never even talk, we have nothing in common".
Yes, I understand why you would feel that you had to do something different if the two of you were getting farther apart and not even talking. But this time, you may need to just try to not say the ILY's.
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I do need to find a way to turn it from a sprint to a marathon - the sprint is burning me out.
Even though I was the AWAW I think I can understand how miserable it is for both sides. That is one reason I am concerned about the family vacation coming up. You have battle fatigue and I am wondering if "Thinker" needs a vacation for himself. I know that would not set well with the wife and kids, but maybe a weekend somewhere to get away? You have been under a lot of stress. Even though I was ready to "shake you" about the pursuing, I do understand and I am concerned for you. As a poster told me once, you are the one here to talk to. If I could get my hands on "her".......well, best that I can't. No, I just carrying on b/c I do know how it is to be in a strained R for a long time! I know very well. But I agree that even though a S might be easier at this moment......I don't think that is the answer and it only takes reading the posts from those who are S to know how miserable they are. It is your emotions that are drained and your nerves stressed that is talking and that needs an escape for a while.
Thinker, even though she says that ML was "still" empty........and she talks as if she will never be attracted to you again, remember that was how Puppy's wife was in their MR. In fact, if you were reading his stitch.....he had come to the place that it just was never going to happen b/c she was not attracted to him and could not help it. They were ready to call it quits, but now it is as if they are newly weds again!
I know you are sick of hearing people tell you that it takes a long time, but I have "lived" from those shoes, sweetie, and it does take so long. That is why I am wondering if a weekend off by yourself (or longer if you can swing it) wouldn't do you some good. You need to get energized and regroup and do whatever else to prepare to hang in there longer. I am concerned that she will be ready to tell you on a regular basis that you should see how the two of you have nothing in common anymore and should call the M off. I think she may see this last blow up as "proof". But it was not proof. It was misjudgement on her part. I hope she may have said something in the conversation the two of you had that indicated she is willing to try a little longer.
I hope you will give yourself a break for a few days and as I said before.....detach emotionally and physically as much as possible from her so that you can "let down". BTW, you do have the right to be angry! Holding that inside is not good and is why I have always suggested doing some type of activity that will help to punch, run, or do something physical to get the frustration and anger out.
Do you find it interesting that she was beginning to get emotional in the MC sessions? Did she tell you why? I am wondering if she was not reaching that place of remorsefulness when she got this stupid idea of why you made so many changes. I don't know.....just guessing. If she is "still" talking about seeing a counselor.....maybe she wants to. Just hope it is a marriage-based one or he/she will have her leaving you in no time flat! Just like other people......there are some good ones out there and then some that are no good at all.
Well, hopefully my computer will stay well for a while and I won't get behind again. I want to be here whenever you need to talk. I won't pull your ears off next time if you want to just want to put your feeling out there and get mad about everything. Oh, before I forget to ask.....has she said if she would "not" contact OM anymore? I know I said not to bring the subject up to her....but wondered if it was mentioned before you posted about everything that happened. I can't remember at the moment if she "did" make contact or claimed that she was just trying and he never replied. If he really did not reply.....that is good. In fact, if he moved on to some other woman and never replied again....she would get ticked and that would be good b/c then she would get him out of her head and not think of him as even a male "friend" to turn to. Okay.....don't mean to beat a dead horse and I know you're tired, so I'll stop for now unless you have something to ask.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
