Thankyou thankyou thankyou.. naej, ITH, Sandy.. wow I wish I had read that before I went out!!

Ok, this is incredibly hard. The waiting was hard, dealing with him last summer was so hard and then Helen but this? THis is abject agony. I am doing all the wrong things I am sure and I am terrified.

So he did come here first, he just rubbed my arm when he arrived and pulled an old sad/guilty face with a "Hiya al"... so I was thrown by that.. then we were in the kitchen and he brightened a little bit.. I actually said to him.. do you want a kiss then and he said "sorry".. grabbed my shoulders and lightly kissed my cheek far away from my mouth. Anyway, as freaked out as I was, I tried to recover and chatted about my art, he was admiring it. Then we went out.. he seemed to have timed it so we didnt have much time to talk before and after the pictures.

I have this horrible feeling he is testing me out again, but perhaps he is going to finally let it go.. Mercury is retrograde and I wonder if this isnt a last time around the block? Thats my fear though.

So, he did take my hand eventually to walk to a bar after the pictures, so that was nice. But it was hard work to make conversation and it didnt flow. I was paranoid I was boring him (or had last night) and also, couldnt think of anything to say, my mind was blank and so many subjects are taboo between us anyway. So I wasnt doing a very good job.

We drove home, again, a few awkward silences.. got outside my house and he left the engine running as he didnt come in.. turned to me and took a breath and this was the convo I think...

- I'm sorry, but I'm not going to come in, I'm really tired, but I know that you're disappointed
- Oh, you're not? you dont want to? We could've just gone to sleep if you're tired.
- No but I'm sorry to disappooint you (hugs me tight)
- well YOU havent disappointed me.. but it is disappointing, but more than that, thankyou for being honest, its good that you are able to be honest(still hugging me).. just as long as you're ok with me
- yes I am ok with you..absolutely and you havent upset me or anything I just want to take things slow .. I'm still feeling my way with this...
- ok, so you feel like you just want to get some sleep and have a bit of space, well tahts fine
- yes, I do need a good nights sleep and I'm just scared.. and you said you were scared too
(I was but I meant of his willy wonka, not anything else, not of an R with him!)
- I just need some adjusting time...

Then he said its just I need to sort myself out. He talked about his depression a bit and how he stopped taking his tablets but needed to go back to the doctor and that he didnt want to feel this way anymore.

I said it was ok, he could talk to me about it if he wanted to, or not if he didnt, but he could be however he felt around me, I understand he is this way and thats how he feels at times, so he didnt have to think he had to be in an up mood to see me.

Yep, probably said ALL the wrong things. Got this horrid feeling like this is NOT going well.

For him to say he needs some "adjusting time".. he WAS meaning her wasnt he. Yuk.

I said sorry for being shy around him, but it wouldnt last and he said I had nothing to say sorry for and he was the sorry one as he knew I was disappointed and then said smiling, but we really should stop saying sorry to one another!

He said though he would see me tommorow. I was like, oh, you will?? When? He said, its up to you and your work, but I will phone you in the morning. Then he kissed me on the lips a couple of times and said to get some sleep myself and sped off.

Then I felt utterly rejected and crushed and called my dear old Mum who said, this isnt about you, you are fighting the demons in his head and if you want him, you are going to keep yourself going and say, yes, I'm fine, I was busy doing my art anyway, hope you had a good nights sleep..