It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, [[[[naej]]]]

....... I cannot imagine what strength it took to do all that, .......

Not so much strength......more like just plain fed up and ticked off!!

...I take it D & SIL made it up with you as you went to the wedding....

No, not really. H just pretty much told D24 that "if he had to be there so did her mother" (his words). So D24 agreed to tolerate my presence and we all pretty much went through the motions and ignored the big purple elephant with flourescent pink polka dots in the room......

.....I hope in the not too distant future they will realise what it took for you to do this and maybe thank you.......

Perhaps eventually..... but I am not holding my breath. My kids can be very stubborn (They get that from their father.... )

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((((BM)))))

........Listen, you will backslide......

Of course I will!! I'm the official queen of the backslide, remember??!!!

........I know that you and I are similar in many ways. We love with a fiercess and with such depth. We live for other's happiness and that is not good. .......

No it's not.....I think "the experts" call it co-dependent, which is a tactful term for dysfunctional doormat!.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, ((((Upside))))

..... I think many of us here can relate to exactly what you are saying....... I could have written this.

Yes, Upside, I believe that people on these threads like us are the caregivers of the world. We understand that no man is an island and to think only of ourselves narrows our own world. But we are also vulnerable because we do care so much.

Still, in spite of the pain I don't think I want to completely give up that part of my nature, because I really do still believe that relationships (i.e. sharing life) is the most life enriching thing we can do for ourselves.

[Silent Chrleader]

whooop whoop....(dancing the cabbage patch) whoop whoop... I'll show you in person my moves!

LOL!! You crack me up, girl!!

Everyone,

You all have no idea what a truly remarkable woman sandycay is! A true friend! Day before yesterday, I called her after everything went down and I was really quite literally the closest I ever hope to come to "suicidal". I was crying and hysterical and sure that I could not take anymore. I know that I must have scared her half to death! I'm sure she was thinking "I'm not a therapist! What am I supposed to say here!?" {And yes, I did try to call my therapist first, but got his answering service......}

But, sandycay, kept her cool and was a real voice of reason and support when I needed it most. Even though she had other obligations, she still offered to come to me right then and/or for me to go stay with her. This is a woman who reached out to me from this board and I am thankful every day for her presence in my life. I know she is a gift to me from "God".

Sandycay, I will never forget the gifts you have given me over these past months. I am your friend for life, even if you do move 3000 miles away!!! I'll still come find ya'!!

Love ya', Forrest!!

[[[[[[[[[[BIG SUPER HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[naej]

Hi SC, I agree completely about the sharing of life, but it has to be done in an equal partnership esp. when its a one to one thing.
I have been reading the thread on Alpha male and see two quite different perspectives,again I think alpha male and leadership is good as long as both are equals and it is done in a loving and caring way as in a sharing of talents and abilities.
My parents and too a large extent my own marriage was v traditional with the mans role and the womans role. His being chiefly the breadwinner and hers being home care, child rearing type of thing, but neither being above the other.

Anyway I got off track,sorry for the ramble. I guess we will always be caregivers but we have to learn when not to be dormats or worse maybe, enabling others to "use us" rather than gaining life skills of their own.
We all know how hard it is to stand back and allow others to fail or fall when we could perhaps help them out.
Hmm this next bit is going to be testing for you, but I think you must stand firm to do otherwise would just give them the chance to say they ere right that you were just having an hysterical outburst.
Good luck.

[sandycay]

Wow,

Your talking about "God".... have I pulled ya over to the light???ROFL

I hope you got sleep last night and thank you for the friendship.

Keep on Keeping On

[forward]

SC,
All this sounds great. You are making some real personal growth here. Good for you. I figure that those of us who try actually do wind up better off.

"Apparently he had brought OW and had her waiting while he attended wedding and then went and got her."

Shows some shame.....

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, ((breton)) and everyone out there in DB land....

Everyone here knows (and poor sandycay can really atest to the fact!) that I am a very emotionally motivated person. I am coming to understand after more than a year of therapy, that that is just my nature, but what I need to do is cultivate skills that protect that vulnerable person inside of me.

The key I think is boundaries (no surprise I know!), but what does that really mean to me? Well....

1. I can say "No" and not have to explain why.
2. I can not put myself in a position to make emotional decisions/reactions......such as e-mail instead of phone or face to face.
3. I need to live by myself for a while.
4. I will use a lawyer if/when it comes to the D process. H is very much against that (because neither of us wants to "shaft" the other so why should the lawyers get the money) and I have gone gone along with that ......BUT, H's idea of "amicable" or "fair" is different from mine. He has proven he is not above hiding the truth and/or outright lying, so he can't be trusted, and the fact that I am "emotional" doesn't makes it not a smart choice for me to try to "handle things ourselves". That is a recipe for major pain for me, and for that reason alone, I can't do it. H will hate that I know, and that decision likely means that eventually things will get very ugly, which saddens me a LOT!!.......but that's what I have to do for my own mental health.....

....Shows some shame.....

Hmmmm.....maybe.....but I think that would probably be wishful thinking. H simply does not want his "new perfect life" to be tainted with his "dark painful past life" that was just huge mistake from start to finish.......and/o he can't let her know what he's really like.

He has no honor, no integrity, no compassion, no care......why should he have shame? He tries to salve his conscience (and show the people in his "new life" how wonderful he is???) by going through the motions (i.e. the card and flowers he brought to the wedding....). Perhaps this is some of my newfound "cynical" side coming out, but that is what I think now. I have lots of cards and memories of other ways he showed he cared that he has said mean nothing now.......

And actions speak louder than words. The fact that he may have got me a Mothers Day card (I still haven't received it though he says he re-sent it), means nothing really when compared to the fact that he is taking her every weekend up to the dream house we had built together and centered our life on for the past 5 years. He sleeps with her and makes love with her in our bed, while my things sit on my nightstand beside that bed.

That is not a man with "shame" I think.....

[Dawn of Hope]

SC,
Just wanted to stop by and say WOO HOOOOO! Glad to see you are finding some backbone and looking out for SC!

Peace,
Dawn

[Silent Chrleader]

It comes and goes minute to minute it seems, Dawn, but I'm hangin' in there!