Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[Thinker]

As I was catching up on the stitch, I saw some places that I was concerned about b/c you were still pursuing! For an example, trying to get her to take that R test about LL (I think). ....

You also proceeded with the ILY's when I am pretty sure I tried to tell you not to do that b/c it is huge pressure on a AWAW.

You are right Sandi. It is probably not right to say STILL pursuing, but I definitely started pursuing again. I really backed off for a long time, but felt that what I was doing was not working. I backed off completely, she backed off in return, and the net result was that we were not even ever talking to each other - "see, we never even talk, we have nothing in common". Now I see that my change away from that was not right either. I need to find a way that I can be openly communicative - keep the channels open - but not be pursuing.

Being a woman, I get very frustrated at how men think.......just as I know you men feel the same by the way women think. So, that is why we must try to help each other here on the board.

Agree 100%. That's the best part about the boards!

I am SURE that when she approached you to ML that must have really blown you away!

Completely!

she may have been "testing" herself (not you) as to how she felt.

I now know that she was doing exactly that. Trying to see if it would work and how she would feel. She told me last night that she cried afterward because it still felt "empty".

So, I am wondering if your W is upset that you are going around acting as if everything is simply lovely when she is thinking to herself, "Can't he see that I want to walk out that door and never come back?" So, in some ways, it adds more anger and frustration to her.

I am very conflicted here because the IC work that I am doing (on myself, FOR MYSELF) has a lot to do with relaxing, giving up control and enjoying myself. If I do that with my W around, however, she hates it. It is a real struggle for me.

I think she is also referring to our MC sessions. In the first ones, I turned into a puddle of remorse while she sat there, shrugged her shoulders and said "I dunno". Recently, she has started talking, getting emotional, and I am pretty detached and calm during the sessions. She HATES that too.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to let her see my emotions, but not be overwhelmed by them (in front of her) - ie simply saying "I am angry" or "I am frightened because..."

It is really hard. When I was Full-on PMA, I could let anything she did or said brush right off me. Now that I am facing my own emotions, she makes me angry much more often.

If the two of you have talked and now you feel it is back to square one........that is still very much more than what a lot of couples get. So, it is not over! To me, I see her saying that you still have a "chance". To me, I see her not knowing absolutely (still) what she wants to do. As long as she does not know absolutely what she wants to do about leaving or staying.......and you can continue to endure and work.....then there is still "hope".

Agreed. There is still hope.
I was fairly despondent last night - thinking to myself that I am not sure how much more of this I can take and how much longer I can last.

I am strongly.....STRONGLY.....advising you not to discuss anything about your M, OM, R.........NOTHING for a long time. Why? (Must I say it again?) PRESSURE! The more pressure she feels......the more likely she will run.

OK, will do.

You pressured her! You kept pressuring her! To you, it has seem like a long time and you feel that things should be moving right along in a positive direction. However, you tried to "hurry" it along.

Yes, it did. And Yes, I did.

It will not work like that. You must not try to assist the process that SHE HAS TO WORK THROUGH!

I really feel that the MC got to be too much pressure and a souce of anger for her... Unless she is the one to say something about returning to the MC, I would not mention it to her. I am thinking maybe she needs to go along for a while and you should not be with her.
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For now, we are each doing IC with the marriage Counselor - that's just the way it happened. She talked yesterday about switching to a different C because she feels funny about seeing the same person as I am.

In your hard, hard efforts at showing a PMA, I believe you were putting a lot of pressure on yourself. That along can become very stressful and too much to bear for a person after so much time goes by and not seeing what they "want" to see as the end result of their work. I feel that was part of your blow-up....together with learning about the contact with the OM. This time around, why not try to be more casual and not apply so much pressure that you get to the point you are breaking down from the burden of it?

It was really hard. DBing while living in the same house with and being in constant contact with the person is much harder than some people think. Although I don't wish to get separated, I sometimes think "this would be so much easier if we weren't together all the time"

I do need to find a way to turn it from a sprint to a marathon - the sprint is burning me out.