Partner left after 9 yrs - Finished with ow!! wow

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

I'm breaking my self-imposed vow to quit posting on the boards to post to you. (BTW I will reply to your FB message as well)

I think that everything is very positive for you still. Believe me I can understand how at the beginning it is incredibly hard not to jump on every little thing and feel like the guy is second-guessing, that he has changed his mind etc., especially when he has not actually spoken to you about his intentions. All I can say is that no matter how wonderful your "ex" is, no matter how sure he is that you are his soul-mate, he has got a lot to deal with and at the beginning it may be hard to take. If you are going to be around him, you will have to have an even tougher skin than you've had before. It's so hard at the beginning of this process because in many ways it seems like you are picking up where you left off, but something is just off-kilter, and you can't be the same around him as you were before. If you are willing to make this work, you will probably need to let things go for awhile and realize that you may not get the explanations/apologies that would make things easier on you. Please note that I said let "things" go, not let him go. I do think you can rebuild a healthy solid relationship, but he may not be the person that you can share your emotions with for awhile yet. You may need to give a lot more than you give back. All of this feedback is based on my own personal experience, so of course take it with a grain of salt, but I'd say that this is where the real need for patience and DBing starts. I don't think that once you are working on getting back together it is the right time to throw DBing out the window. I think these early steps toward piecing are critical, and the best thing that I did for myself and my own situation was to avoid all R talk, avoid asking for explanations, and just keep an incredibly positive demeanor around H at all times. This was hard, but it is starting to pay off. It might not be fair, but I really think that this is a hurdle that most of us who get our Rs back have to deal with.

In terms of your ex sounding down when he called and the awkwardness, you said yourself that the awkwardness was mostly on your side. Do you think that you could act "as-if" tonight? What I mean by this is could you just act as-if you're simply happy to go to the movies with him and see what happens from there? If you are in good spirits, chances are he will either be a little less down himself (at least in terms of not having to add your hurt feelings to his list of things to worry about), or will feel comfortable talking to you about his feelings. Whether last night was too much too soon for him, who's to say? Different couples get back together in different ways, and it seems like some partners suddenly get an epiphany, while most go through a gradual process. Maybe, as Naej said, let him take the lead on the level of intimacy for awhile and see how that goes. Of course you shouldn't do anything that you don't feel comfortable with but I don't think you would do that anyway...

OK I'm rambling, but I don't think you need luck to make things work. I think you will make your own success by keeping your faith and focus on the long-term success of the R rather than the short-term hurdles and temporary awkwardness.

I hope that you have a wonderful night tonight,

ITH

PS My post crossed with Sandy's. I really like what she has to say.