Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[Thinker]

So here are the strange details of last nights discussion, which consisted of 3 parts:
1) my blow up about OM
2) Her talking about our R
3) Her coming clean with a painful question for me!!!!

1) The discussion started here with me saying that more than anything what I really wanted was honesty and an end to deceit. I asked her what was going on with OM and she denied ever talking to him, and then denied texting him, and then said she did it only once, and then (when I showed her the phone records) said "I don't remember, maybe I did" - etc. I was really annoyed because she was lying through her teeth the whole time (how could she "forget" that she called him 3 times and texted him 4 times in one night less than a week ago??). The conversation was going no where, and she was insisting that OM was not any part of our problems. I agreed to change the subject.

2) My W gave her analysis of our R. Being in the health field, she used a health analogy and said "In the health of a person, there are some things which you can control - diet, exercize, etc. and there are some things that are genetic. I believe that in our R, the problems are genetic - they can't be changed or fixed. With some prompting from me, she then listed them as she saw it:

• The dynamic between us is bad and tense. We don't relate well to one another
  
• There is no laughter or mirth in our relationshiop
  
• When we have sex it is "Empty". I asked for clarification and she said there was no passion and although there were plenty of orgasms, it was mechanical.

Now, I don't agree with any of these, and I agreed with her on them last night. The dynamic is bad - we don't talk well, neither of us listens well, neither of us is good at expressing ourselves, there is a lot of tension in the air. As for the laughter, it is almost like she won't allow it - if I crack a joke or mess around she squelches me like a wet blanket. And the sex really has been passionless. Skillful, physical, but passionless. I have really missed it as well.

Where we disagree is on whether these things are changeable. She feels 100% that they are not. She also said she felt like all of my changes, GAL activites, IC, etc - everything - is an attempt to convince her that it can be changed.

3) With that we moved into part 3 of the discussion - One that really blew me away.

After lots of "I Can't tell you"'s and "I don't want to hurt you"'s, my W opened up with something that was eating her alive.

She had been watching me very carefully and she was VERY scared and confused.

• I was suddenly dressing better and obviously caring for my appearance
  
• I started wearing cologne
  
• I was spending lots of time out with my male friends
  
• I was going to IC and not talking about what I was talking about there
  
• I had grown a goatee (since shaved off)
  
• I was back in contact with some of my close friends from along time ago
  
• I was acting happy and doing silly things and when she asked me about it, said (truthfully) that the IC was really helping me to not be "so repressed"

She took all of this, combined it with our "Empty" sex life and some derogatory comments that OM made to me during the EA, and came to the conclusion:

"Oh My God! My Husband is GAY and is now coming out of the closet. He's going to leave me for another man!"


WHAT!!!


She explained that it has really been worrying her, and that she does not know how she would handle that, and that she did not want to tell me or ask me because she knew that I would get hurt and angry.

Then she said that she wanted to try to find out on her own without asking me, so the reason she had been frantically trying to reach the OM. She said all of her calls to him had been attempts by her to reach out - reaching his voice mail or him when he did not want to talk. She said she had just wanted to talk to him about what he had meant behind his comments and what he had seen that had made him say that, etc.

So this all left me in a bit of shock - Hurt and Angry!

I can summarize the rest of the conversation as follows:
- I assured her that I am very familiar with my own sexuality, and that women excite me and men do not.
- I told her that the IC was about me saying, doing, or asking what I wanted, rather than holding back. It was not about me exploring my sexuality.
- I told her that I was angry and that it was a hurtful thing, but that most of all I was hurt that when she had personal questions about me and my sexuality, she wanted to ask OM about it rather than just asking me. I also said that I thought he was a j*ck*ss for openly questioning a mans sexuality to his wife. (I mean, what kind of conversation were they having!!)

- She got defensive "see I told you that you would be hurt and angry, this is why I didn't want to talk to you about it"

- I told her "yes, it was hurtful, and I am hurt and angry. Just let me have that. Let me be angry. I'll get over it. I am still glad that you told me, because as much as it hurts, not talking about this sort of thing is even worse"


So now we are giving each other a lot of space. I disappeared for most of the morning and went for a long (55 mile) bike ride. She is now out with S4 at a birthday party.

We agreed that we are still going on our planned family vacation week after next - "to try to relax and make it fun for the boys"

Needless to say, my ego took quite a blow from this.