Hi Nicole, I'm Sandi. Welcome to our community here. First of all, I think your H was honest when he said that it was not you that had done anything wrong and that you had been a great wife and mother. I do think it is a personal "crisis" he is experiencing. As far as being mid-life....I have decided after my own experience that that is simply a term and does not have to be in the middle of one's lifetime to happen. I was past what is considered middle age when the very last thing I ever would expect of doing.......I did it. I got emotionally involved with another man over the Internet. It all started out b/c I was very lonely, bored, frustrated.....just a lot of stuff that I won't get into now, but I thought what would a little harmless flirting hurt.....right? Well, it almost broke up a marriage of many years, that is what it hurt!
Being a military man and use to the constant moving around, I think would be hard to adjust to being in one place for very long. He probably gets "itchy feet" when in one place for any length of time......if he likes to move around a lot.
Understand that I am not taking sides with him! I am just expressing thoughts here and to see if we might stumble onto something that may make sense. To the LBS, nothing makes logical sense! I believe he still loves you but he is confused about his life and what he really wants at this time. Yes, he thought he knew when he married you, etc., but now it's ten years later and he has changed. I can tell you another secret......in ten more years, he will not be the person you married or the person he is now......not completely anyway b/c I think most people continue to go through changes down through life. My H and I have had to adjust to several "changes" down through the years. We were just kids when we M and you can't expect to stay the same way all your life. Some of those adjustments are hard, but never had we faced what we did when I had the EA with OM.
You said you were strong, and that is very good b/c it is going to take your strength to weather this storm. I think I will agree with the advice about returning to your home and family for support. Your H is going to need a lot of time for him to work through whatever it is he is going through. He needs to miss you......a lot. He needs to know 100% that he wants to be M to you before he makes that decision. If you stay in the same town as he is.......he is going to keep you on an emotional roller coaster with his "games' of up and down and not knowing what he wants. All you have to do is read threads here on the board and see how the LBS nearly goes crazy with the WAS and the "head games" that is played out. These are not funny games by no means, but you feel that is what the LBS is doing to your mind.
Now, you can move back home and if you allow him to email, text, call, and all the other type of communications........it will still do a "number" on you. So, if you return home, I would have boundaries about the contacts. In other words, he could phone the kids and talk to them. But, don't use the kids to get to "you". He doesn't need to be texting, emailing, etc., to "talk" about his feelings or the MR. This will cause a tug of war with your emotions and your health will take a dive. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? In other words, it needs to be something next to an emergency for him to make contact with you.......until he can decide what he "really" wants out of life. If you don't hold his feet to the fire about this, he will make your life hell on earth with his "messages", so it is really better for you to go "dark" and leave him alone to grow up and decide what type of man he wants to be. I truly believe that going dark is the path you need to choose. He will probably contact his children, and I hope he does, but you don't have to talk to him. That keeps you from fretting and wringing your hands all the time and you can go on about living. Yes, it is very hard to do this, but in all reality I don't think it is as hard as being right there and either knowing what he is doing or being left behind while he is on a trip.
Go home.......go dark......and wait. Hopefully, he will realize what he has lost once you and the children are gone. Right now, he probably can't see you doing that since you were pleading with him not to leave you. Most LBS do that, so don't beat yourself up over what is done.....just move forward. I am not telling you to file for divorce! Go dark.
Talk to you later, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
