Maybe she didn't ask because she likes having a reason to be aggravated. I think she should have asked for what she wanted. I do like the last suggested response.
I don't think I have exactly taken up for your wife in any of this......only tried to explain how things are from a WAW's POV and just a mother's POV. Maybe you are just as sincere as you can be in saying that you did not think about the Mother's Day thing, but to a woman it is hard to imagaine anybody forgetting that it's "Mother's Day" (for crying out loud) and that she would naturally want to see her children on that special day. Was there NOTHING that caused you to remember that?
Anyway, it is past but I hope you will learn from this b/c holidays are very important to most people. She said you were scheduled to have them on Father's Day, so I bet you would be upset if she had them and would not see to it that they were with you for part of that day. See how it would feel? So, my advice would be that as with most split couples.....you come to a compromise about holidays and who they will spend what holidays with. Most parents have to swasp around from year to year the really big days like Christmas, etc. That is just part of all the mess of being a couple that has split up.
I still say not to cave to her every whim, but please use some forethought about such things. Had it not occurred to you that the children were scheduled to be with you every holiday? Birthdays and some other occassions can be celebrated on alternate days, but some holidays can't.
Hope you can work out a better situation and realize that if this S lasts for any length of time, there has to be a lot of give and take where "special days" are concerned. The more couples are not keenly aware of the other parent's feelings about such days.....the deeper they dig their own hole.
So, hope the next time works a lot better.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate your input regardless. I am sincere in what I said, and I feel bad about it. It was an opportunity for me to be thoughtful and giving, and I wasn't even thinking about it. This separation and troubles has me not thinking clearly sometimes, and this was one of those times. I knew it was Mother's Day and that the kids would be going over there later on. I really wish I had let them spend the night with her, or take them over there that morning. She picked them up that evening.
I will learn from this. Our birthdays are on the same day, so I had them half of the day and she had them half of the day. Things are just so messed up because we are living apart. These other holidays that she mentions haven't happened yet. I'm gonna let them go with her on Memorial Day weekend.
I will try to use more forethought on things like this. We split our birthday time with them. I honestly will work with her on the holidays and special occasions, and hopefully I can think more clearly in the future on stuff like this.
I'm willing to have 'give and take' where 'special days' are concerned. Since I wasn't thinking, I do wish that she had mentioned it...and I would heve been glad to accomodate her. I wish I hadn't messed up on this.
I'll make sure next time works better.
Thanks Sandi.
antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Incidentally Sandi, what did you think about the response posted by futureunknown? I liked it. I want to send a response by E-mail tonight when I get in from work. What do you others' think about it also?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Antlers, Quit beating yourself up over it. If you are sincere and forgot, great! It's over. Let her know she can have the kids Memorial weekend and say "I'm sorry about Mother's Day." End of story. My W left a month ago, so I'm going through the mental aspects as you are. My job has suffered and it's scaring me, but we can't let these things eat us up. I stayed up late reading threads here last night. I woke up this morning and decided it's a new "me". Don't let these small things ruin you. If you are truly a good person, you know what the right answers are. Don't over-think the situations. Just do what you know is right
M35 H33 S4 S7 M6 T11 found out about OM 03/11/09 she left 04/11/09 she filed D 04/21/09
Yes, I agree it was a chance for Antlers to maybe be proactive and offer Mother's Day to his W, but put yourself in his shoes. His W recently brutalized him verbally really knocked him for a loop. He has been dark since. For her to expect him to come back from that with a kind and thoughtful offer is expecting an awful lot!
In many ways, I like that he didn't proactively offer that up. If he had, what would that show her? That she can treat him poorly and yet still have him extend himself to her? Why didn't she ask? Because she wouldn't suck up her pride and ask, that's why. She doesn't want to ask him for anything, she just wants to be angry. Well, that's her choice.
Antlers, this is just my two cents, don't take it as gospel, but I don't think you should use the words "sorry" or "apologize" when you reply to her, nor should you "explain" why you messed up, because you didn't. She set the current tone of your relationship, which is that she wants nothing to do with you. Oh, except when there's something special she wants, and then she expects you to offer it up to her? I know you feel majorly at fault in your M, and that may be true, so you want to show your W you love her and want to be kind to her, but replying back to her with your head down and tail between your legs will only make her lose more respect for you. Be nice and set a more positive tone for the future.
Just a quick tangent...she just texted me and said she wants to come and get our cat today. I knew that she would eventually. I haven't responded yet. Do I just text back and say "OK" or what? I would like her to wait until I get home from work.
Could you guys help me with a response to this too?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You said you would like her to wait until you get back from work. Maybe phrase it more like. "Sure. You can come by at x o'clock"...instead of emphasizing that you want to be there.
You said you would like her to wait until you get back from work. Maybe phrase it more like. "Sure. You can come by at x o'clock"...instead of emphasizing that you want to be there.
I just texted her back and said, "Sure. You can come by at 7:30 and I'll send him out with the kids."
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You said you would like her to wait until you get back from work. Maybe phrase it more like. "Sure. You can come by at x o'clock"...instead of emphasizing that you want to be there.
I just texted her back and said, "Sure. You can come by at 7:30 and I'll send him out with the kids."
She just replied "OK. Thanks."
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
