Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[sandi2]

Hi Thinker. I had not given up on you but my computer has been up and down lately. I do feel that most of the time I was repeating my same advice, but still I wanted you to know that I was here in your corner pulling for you.

As I was catching up on the stitch, I saw some places that I was concerned about b/c you were still pursuing! For an example, trying to get her to take that R test about LL (I think). She was letting you know in her WAW's way that she did NOT want to take it and you pushed. Why?

You also proceeded with the ILY's when I am pretty sure I tried to tell you not to do that b/c it is huge pressure on a AWAW. But, you kept doing it! Makes me want to shake you until your teeth rattle!

I think I told you once before that the fact she was just showing up at the MC was very much to expect of her. She was still battling with those mixed up confussed emotions of the WAW. I don't know that she ever broke full contact with the OM, but if she did.......I am afraid she felt pushed right back toward him.

Now, Thinker, I am saying this as if I was your sister or mother b/c it is "you" that I have to talk to.....not your wife, okay? Being a woman, I get very frustrated at how men think.......just as I know you men feel the same by the way women think. So, that is why we must try to help each other here on the board. Maybe the MC was encouraging you to do all of those things with your wife. I am SURE that when she approached you to ML that must have really blown you away! However, I was not one bit surprised that she was distant the very next day. But, even though your actions were correct.......your thoughts were conflicted (which I can understand......but it is that way with all the AWAS). Perhaps it was the physical need she had......and I'm sure that is not what you want to hear, but on the other hand.....maybe she was wanting to see for herself if she felt "anything" for you while ML. Especially when thoughts of the OM is still very alive in her brain.......she may have been "testing" herself (not you) as to how she felt.

One thing she kept bringing up that reminded me much of my H and his lack of "concern" for our R in our younger years, was how you were always "acting" as if everything was just great and you were so happy all the time. It is as if this is getting on her nerves and perhaps you are over-killing the PMA. You see, in my own stitch years ago, I would get so desparate that a time or two I would seek out my parents to talk to them about my MR. Once I even asked my dad to come talk to us. Well, guess what? My H actually sat there and acted as if we did not have a problem in this world and had a smile on his face. I can look back at it now and see where it may have been a male ego thing since it was my father coming over to "talk" to us, but still I was furious at my H's behavior. It was all very serious to me and my H acted as if it was all in my mind. He did not "say" that (and it's a good thing he didn't) but his actions were saying as much. So, I am wondering if your W is upset that you are going around acting as if everything is simply lovely when she is thinking to herself, "Can't he see that I want to walk out that door and never come back?" So, in some ways, it adds more anger and frustration to her.

Now, for your side of it. You are trying so very, very hard to save this M and bust a D. You deserve a gold star for your endurance..... It takes a very special person to know that his wife is involved with another man and is still willing to try to save his M. You have gone to MC and that is more than my H would do! You are the one truly working hard. She may "feel" that she is working, and in her way......she is trying, but she's not there yet. Obviously, she has had a very serious backslide......if she ever let the OM go at all.

If the two of you have talked and now you feel it is back to square one........that is still very much more than what a lot of couples get. So, it is not over! To me, I see her saying that you still have a "chance". To me, I see her not knowing absolutely (still) what she wants to do. As long as she does not know absolutely what she wants to do about leaving or staying.......and you can continue to endure and work.....then there is still "hope".

I am strongly.....STRONGLY.....advising you not to discuss anything about your M, OM, R.........NOTHING for a long time. Why? (Must I say it again?) PRESSURE! The more pressure she feels......the more likely she will run. No, it is not fair to you! It never was! However, this is not about fairness and never has been. It is not all about what is the "right" thing to do (even though that might have been what kept her from leaving), but it has to do with how much she can handle and for how long. That is what you have to constantly remember.

I almost freaked when you asked if it was time to move into "Piecing"! I thought you must be kidding. Then you said something about not being a "Newcomer" any longer. Don't worry about that status of "newcomer", but you are certainly not ready for Piecing. In fact, as you have stated, you have to start all over again. And, Thinker......that is how you must do this......b/c it was not just her that messed up.....you did also. You pressured her! You kept pressuring her! To you, it has seem like a long time and you feel that things should be moving right along in a positive direction. However, you tried to "hurry" it along. It will not work like that. You must not try to assist the process that SHE HAS TO WORK THROUGH!

If you return to the MC.......I believe if it were me......I would go alone the first time and then decide if you will continue. I really feel that the MC got to be too much pressure and a souce of anger for her b/c of how she would react to "your" actions there. It did not make her feel better. See what I mean? Unless she is the one to say something about returning to the MC, I would not mention it to her. I am thinking maybe she needs to go along for a while and you should not be with her. If you want to continue, then okay, but unless she seems very willing and "wanting" to go together.......I just don't know that right now is good. She may need a couple of weeks or more. I know that some may strongly disagree with me, but I am trying to remember just how "I" felt. Although, I was the one who originally wanted the both of us to go to MC....when my H would not agree, it caused me to "backslide" even worse. So, don't apply any pressure about the MC or anything else. You need to distant yourself as much as you can for a few days to let the smoke settle. As I told another poster last night, I used to think that confronting issues were the way to handle everything.....but as the years have gone by, I have learned that "time" has to do its own work and often does a better job than confrontation will do if you step in too early. Timing is the secret.

In your hard, hard efforts at showing a PMA, I believe you were putting a lot of pressure on yourself. That along can become very stressful and too much to bear for a person after so much time goes by and not seeing what they "want" to see as the end result of their work. I feel that was part of your blow-up....together with learning about the contact with the OM. This time around, why not try to be more casual and not apply so much pressure that you get to the point you are breaking down from the burden of it?

Take care,
Sandi