Well, no surprise, this a.m. he calls me to say that I don't have to hear the D word from him anymore - because he just QUIT. This is too hard. Can't do it. He said he took off his ring and I should take off mine.
I called back and said OK, send me papers.
He called back and I didn't listen to it all - just heard I'm not planning on doing that yet..... and I erased the rest.
Was determined to let go all the way this time. Knowing he will be calling when he has had time to think about it. Help me stay strong - this is taking a lot out of me.
OMG Kassie. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. I often wonder with A's if they lose their capability to deal with conflict. I just thought it was my exh. Now I am beginning to wonder.
I am here for you girl!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Yeah, A's missing out the normal experience of learning how to deal with any emotions. Part of the difficulty in the healing process is learning to cope with their emotions.
You're getting it. It isn't anything you or I do - it a deficiency in their learning.
Stay upbeat as best you can. You have to look on whatever comes your way as a matter of fact and nothing else. You have been through such a lot of ups and downs lately and unfortunately I don't think it's over yet. (the turmoil)
I think it was an impulse act by your H. He is looking for strength from you and you have none to give. He doesn't seem to be able to realise that HE must find it within himself and can't expect you to be there 100% of the time.
I think he will still ebb and flow a little yet. Question is, do you want to go with that or have you hd enough yourself.
Whichever way it goes, it won't be easy. I am in a new relationship, a very happy one, but there is still a lot of mess hanging over my head and I haven't manage to dislodge all the upset that was caused by my W breaking up my family. I am getting there and the majority of the time I am Ok, but now and again I just feel tired of it all. With you, it's even tougher as you are on your own and have no 'sounding board' or arms to comfort you. (I am here virtually for you, but it's not the same!)
I had a rush of feelings shortly after I gave up drinking and I was SO happy to even be crying. (weird but true) I had been emotinally 'flat' for many months. I wasn't drinking that much, but combined with my AD's, it affected me. From that time, I know that I can feel, act and respond with emotion and it's a lovely thing to do. Maybe H hasn't acheived that yet or is afraid of it?.
I know you will be OK whatever the outcome as you have found so much more of Kassie than perhaps even YOU knew about!
Here's where I stand... I am tired of the drama... I want to walk away... sometimes think it will be easier for him if I do that... but we both have a lot of feelings for one another which makes it hard to leave. If I could figure that part out for myself I would be in a better place.
Kass...can you send some of your strength my way? If I was half as strong as you I would be so much farther down the road mentally than I am now.
Have a good weekend.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Not so sure if it is strength or stupidity or stubbornness... but i think you are doing your best and improving your own strength so much.
So, as expected... well not so expected... I was really bothered by this week's 'problem of the week"... maybe it was because we didn't argue. Anyway, I called him this morning with a question - at the time I had no thoughts of working things out or not - just had a question to be answered. He answered. I didn't like the answer at first and then realized he was right to focus on his sobriety.
He calls after his IC and then we talked later. He discussed his quitting behavior in IC esp with me. Tells me he really has no intentions of "really" quitting us and learned some other ways to handle sitch when he doesn't like it. Then mentioned that another part of his IC was his admission that being sober is letting him see many defects in himself - mostly behaviors that he doesn't like and wants to manage better. He told the IC that much of my feedback to him on what I don't like - he agrees with me.
guess the program is working and he is working it.
We talked briefly about moving back together again - and just agreed to disagree on this one. Progress? To be continued.
My thoughts last night and today mostly remind me that it is still early in his recovery and keeping things slow is good.
Silva - I also see the wisdom in your advice about taking things more matter of factly. I also appreciate the message that I don't have to go through this - I may reframe that one for my sitch - not sure how you meant it but in addition to knowing that I can take care of myself - I also don't have to get on the Merry Go Round everytime he does. I can step off the platform and let him ride it out if need be. Anyway, few months more or a year - it will become much easier to know which way to go. In the mean time, I can get my kids settled and I just got approved for a refinance of the house so I can lower my payments and pay off the car. I am OK.
I didn't like the answer at first and then realized he was right to focus on his sobriety.
Then mentioned that another part of his IC was his admission that being sober is letting him see many defects in himself - mostly behaviors that he doesn't like and wants to manage better. He told the IC that much of my feedback to him on what I don't like - he agrees with me.
guess the program is working and he is working it.
My thoughts last night and today mostly remind me that it is still early in his recovery and keeping things slow is good.
This is all 100% right. Sad to say if his focus isn't on his recovery now he will relapse. I know this is hard for you but I promise if you can give him time he will be a better man.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Spent some time together today - went OK. We talked briefly about moving back in - he keeps getting his hopes up on this one and so when I repeat that we still need time to work on our R - he is hurt. Today he admitted that it took the wind out of his sails and he disagrees with my decision. No arguments. He even told me that he didn't feel like spending time together but he would come over as expected because he doesn't want to let me down as this is one of the things I complain about him doing.
I wondered what kind of time we would have but it went ok. We played some chess and talked but not about the R. He told some things about his sobriety and what he is seeing about himself. It really was good, for a change I was actually interested in what he was saying and not bored or agitated.
Only thing I didn't like is that he announced he wasn't staying long so he could go to a meeting. Really it was about not wanting to spend too much time with me because I don't want him back yet.
Guess he isn't going to understand for awhile. But at least he expressed himself and moved on. Today's version of my H is someone I like.
