So the bad news is... after 9 months of not thinking about it, nor being too bothered really, putting it out of my mind.. when I was there last night all I could think, going round and round my head was .. HELEN HELEN HELEN HELEN.. not good.

He was excitedly showing me photos on his phone of the volcano he went to last year and scrolling through and as he neared the end of his story, he scrolled to a picture of a girl in a woolly hat grinning.. which I assumed was her (didnt get a good look, but she looked quite plain).. becauase he quickly scrolled past and then put his phone away and seemed very nervous for a minute or so, but I didnt say anything.. but I hadnt thought of her at all until that happened. Then I thought.. so he does have photos of her then and he hasnt got rid of them, so I felt upset (but no upsets or tears really at all last night and not from him).

Secondly, in bed.. it was the duvet set I gave him when he moved out (and was embarressed to ask for, but he needed bedding) and the pillows and the bed frame and so the mattress must be the one he bougyht.. so.. she had been in that exact same bed, under that duvet set with her head on that same pillow and as recently as perhaps a few weeks ago.. so that was hard.

I guessed it would be like that, but I couldnt NOT go upstairs and have that experience with him and I couldnt not lie there, I just had to get past it. But, I had HELEN running around my mind whilst we were enjoying being in bed together and it put me off and I couldnt relax and in the end I had to tell him, I'm sorry, I'm scared and feeling overwhelmed here and he looked really crestfallen, or guilty.. so it kind of didnt go that well, or was not how I had imagined it. But then we led in bed all morning drinking tea and hugging, so it wasnt too bad.

So.. I dont know if we can get past this, or what it would take and it was much harder in reality, having those reminders shoved in my face and I didnt feel ok about it all. Its very early days though, but I am wondering if he thinks it was a bit of a disaster? And I am nervous, because I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling. I did say, it was nice to stay and see your house and he said, it was lovely to have you hear and to see you.. but it was all a bit awkward when I was leaving.. so much so, I said, "we are being a bit odd with each other arent we " and he said, yes, yes I'm sorry...

He may not want to see me later, or may, or we may do this for the next 2-3 weeks and then he says, sorry Al, I cant do this anymore....so..ok, I get it.. piecing is hard. Torturous. I feel VERY unsure of myself right now in this sitch.