Why didn't I offer for the kids to be with her on Mother's Day? I don't know! It wasn't intentional. This whole thing has been such an emotional trainwreck, and I sometimes am not able to think clearly. I now wish that I had offered for them to be over there earlier on that day, or even let them spend the night with her...I just didn't think about it...and now I feel bad for it. She has so much anger, and wants no communication at all except regarding the kids. I'm not initiating any communication. I was just trying to make it through another couple of days. I'm missing stuff sometimes that I otherwise wouldn't be missing!
Antlers, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to think clearly. It's been physiologically proven that the mental abilities of someone who's spouse just left them are reduced for a while. My work suffered, and I was very forgetful. It'll get better with time.
Now, as for last weekend, why didn't she ASK you if she could have the kids on Mother's Day? Why is it on you to offer? Don't beat yourself up. This is classic WAW stuff. It's all about her and it's all your fault. She knew she wanted the kids on Mother's Day, and sure, under normal circumstances you'd have probably been proactively generous, but she left, she said horrible things to you, she's made it clear she wants nothing to do with you. But she expects YOU to OFFER things to her?
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I should have been more thoughtful regarding Mother's Day, and I feel bad about it, and I want to make whatever amends that I can regarding that.
Don't let her get into your head like this Antlers. If she truly was done with you and wanted nothing to do with you, she wouldn't be playing this silly game of "I shouldn't have to ask, he should offer." If she's so great and empowered and content now, she wouldn't have even hesitated to ask you. This might even be an indication that your going dark has made her feel a little less powerful in your relationship, and she's not sure how to react.
Ok now, as for a response, you want to go for nice and pleasant, but matter of fact. Don't apologize or explain yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. I know you feel like you did, she's trying to manipulate you into feeling that way. My W is a MASTER at doing that to me, and I've really tried to take that power away from her. How about:
"I can understand you're disappointment about not being with the kids on Mother's Day. Please don't hesitate in the future to ask me to change our arrangement for special occassions like this. I will always work with you in good faith. As for Memorial Day, I'm totally fine with you keeping the kids for the weekend. Sounds like you've made nice plans, I hope you all have a good time!"
