My wife moved out a little over a year ago, saying she needed some space to "find herself" again. New apartment, new clothes, new everything. She took the dogs and some of her stuff and just left. All summer we're in contact with each other and she keeps talking about divorce, which I do not want. In September sh eventually admitted to an EA, then confessed to a PA with this guy from overseas. We talked about what happens next. She says she wants to work on us getting back together. I told her that I needed two things for that to happen ... 1) i need to hear her say that she is going to try to make it work. 2) there has to be no contact with the other guy whatsoever. She agrees, a week later she says she has told him no more contact. We talk a little bit over the next few weeks ... we do stuff together and it is uncomfortable, but I see progress.
Maybe three weeks later... she basically drops off the planet again. I got the DB books and talked to the counselor. She says to back off, GAL, and stop pursuing. I have a hard time with this. I'm not sure why, but it feels so - wrong. We try to talk and go do things, but I notice that it is always me initiating, so i try to stop calling and I get all panicked and frustrated. Between T-giving and Xmas we have maybe 3 interactions. She shows up on Xmas Eve asking to borrow the vacuum. ??? That's an odd time to borrow something after not speaking to me for weeks, but ok. We end up talking about us and what we both want. She says she wants to try to get things working with us, but can't bear to have it fail again. Ok, i get that. So when we try to actually do something I'm met with excuse after excuse.
Most of the spring we had been talking maybe once a week. We'd usually do dinner on the weekend. I started to notice something, that she only calls when there is a bill involved. She never actually calls me for anything else. We only do things together because I initiate them. So, her birthday was at the end of February. I asked to take her to dinner. She says "lets wait and see since it will be a busy week." So I wait. She texts me on the way home from work that she's gonna take a rain check on dinner. That is odd for her so I call to ask what's up. Apparently her friends from work decided to surprise her with dinner. She'd rather do that. I'm not happy, but I bite my tongue. I want to bring over a little gift I got ... something little and stupid but that she would find funny. She's too tired to do anything. She's too tired to see me.
So it dawns on me that I'm the only one engaged here. She says she wants it to work, but does absolutely nothing about it. About a month ago I was ready to file. We've been separated over a year. She's been emotionally checked out for almost 2. I'm tired. I'm lonely. And I'm wondering if she is ever going to come around. So ... about a month ago I went very very dim. I initiate no contact unless there is something we absolutely have to talk about. This is the part that is killing me, and I'm not even sure this is the best plan of action. In the last month I've heard from her twice. We had to take care of the car insurance. What I want is for her to initiate something, anything. If she wants us to work, why does she just sit there? My spider sense is all tingly and I don't like it. I keep thinking that if she is not getting her emotional needs met with me (and not even trying to), then she is getting them met somewhere else. I don't know. My intuition isn't wrong very often.
I've been debating having this big talk and asking her why she hasn't filed yet. I mean, we don't talk. We don't do anything together. We have almost no interaction. I know that that discussion will likely set us back, but I am soooooo frustrated right now. So what do I do now?
I know this post is disjointed. It is harder to get things out on paper than I thought.
