he is back, i think

[stillloveshim]

Hi mdoodles,
Read and caught up on your situation. Interesting for sure and I feel your stress.
As far as the "no contact" letter....why bother? If he could write it and it would magically cut off all ties with the OW then I would agree. But it doesn't. So tell him you would like him to let her know he's home, but that's up to him. Besides at this point the way she harassed you, she has to know. Let him dump her his own way.
I don't know that there is such a thing as complete transparency unless you can be with them 24-7 and hear every conversation.
I think at this point, if you want to trust him, you need to tell him. I would say "I want to trust you. So I'm going to. You are a good man who made a mistake, you owned up to it and I believe you will do the right thing by us. That means cutting things off with this poor girl. (That's right, feel sorry for her--she's pathetic) It also means I'm not going to bring her up anymore, she's done and out of my life. Thanks for working on this...We are worth it." And leave it at that.
Trust is consistency. Show him he can trust you and he'll want to show you the same thing. If you say you're going to open the store, go open it. If you say you are going to make dinner, make it. If you say you are going to be faithful to him forever, do it. But I think being consistent in the small things build to really good bigger things. He'll mirror you.
As far as the couch goes, I agree with some other posters, get him a blanket and kiss him good night. He's home after all.
Just be the best wife you can be, be the spouse you would want.

[mdoodles]

thanks for the advice. i really have to remind myself that we are over the big hurdle in terms of getting him home.

i know he cant be seeing her daily at this point, we do not live anywhere near her and he works even further away from where she is.

but does he talk to her? who knows. i would say things are not 100% settled and cut off. how do i know? i dont, just my feeling.

we are dealing with so much that she almost becomes the least of it.

im trying at this point to get him to respect me and treat me the way i deserve to be treated on a daily basis.

[mdoodles]

ok ok, i know im supposed to not care about him sleeping on the couch, but it is really bothering me.

it bothers me because he was sleeping with me and then 2 weeks ago stopped.

it bothers me because less than a year ago, when we discussed reconciling, i told him flat out then, if he comes home, he sleeps in bed, not the couch, that i am not interested in a housemate, i want a husband.

do i still say nothing and leave it alone, even if it really bothers me?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

MD,

It's either a boundary for you, or it's not. It sounds like it is. If so, then yes, you have to call him on it -- that's pretty much the definition of a boundary. Make it about YOU, not him. "I will no longer live in a marriage where my husband doesn't sleep with me."

Puppy

[mdoodles]

its a tricky boundary for me because im aware that there may be an adjustment period in coming home.

i dont like it, but i am afraid to push the issue in case he is working through things.

i dont know.

i send him nice emails, i sent one today saying nicely what i want.

[whatdidido]

Maybe it's time to ask him why and when he tells you, make a plan.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

its a tricky boundary for me because im aware that there may be an adjustment period in coming home.

i dont like it, but i am afraid to push the issue in case he is working through things.

i dont know.

i send him nice emails, i sent one today saying nicely what i want.

If you're not willing to enforce it, then it's not a boundary -- it's a wish.

[vickyd]

Hey, I agree with Pup that if its a deal breaker then enforce it. But as pro-marriage as we are here, it seems hardly to be worth your M to me, but again that is something for you to decide. It seems like sleeping on the couch made a cover for soem other emotional issue. Must be a reason he has started to sleep there. As WDID said, why not ask. I think that if there is another reason then you need to resolve that and if there isn't then he will return to the bed in his own time and that will be sooner if you don't make it an issue.

[mdoodles]

u are right, if we are promarriage, it is not worth my marriage to me, im just upset.

i sent him an email today, this is what i wrote:

"im extremely unhappy with u choosing to not come to bed.

i get the adjustment period, i get the turmoil, but i do not want a housemate, i want a husband.

will it take time for both of us to adjust and be ok? yes.

but each day u choose to not come to bed, each day that goes by that we have no intimate contact, i feel more and more apart from you and unhappy.

i want a husband, i want your company and im willing to work on this with you.

im willing to understand what u need and im willing to tell u what i need.

but i cant do it apart from you. i need u with me."

what do u think?

i email alot, it seems to be a good way for me to get through to him.

[mdoodles]

well, perhaps my email worked, he came to bed and as i phrased it to my h, we had intimate contact...

its a wonder with him if my saying anything has the effect on him or if he just decides on his own what to do.

i have learned over the last year that the best "medium" for communicating how i feel is to email him. it is a good way for me to get my feelings heard. most of the time he doesnt respond in email, he shows his response in actions.

in any event, i feel alittle better for the moment.