I don't know when this going to sleep at 1am and getting up at 6am is going to stop. I feel like its definately taking its toll on me. I am fatigued and weirdly enough my body is achy. I am doing nothing but crying and sitting and yet, I feel dehydrated. I keep dreaming about him....how do you stop that?
I read yesterday that 52% of all marriages fail within 5 years of marriage. That is a very high %! Why did I think we were above this statistic? Why didn't I plan better with him? I knew that he did not really have anyone else he really trusted except for me. That is a dangerous situation to begin with. One person cannot be another person's everything. H is not reaching out to anyone bc he does not feel like he has anyone to reach out to. No way for me to fix this. He has me. He knows it. He can reach out to me, but chooses not to. I must accept this. I cannot cajole or emotionally blackmail him out of this. It is not my syle to be sneaky anyways. I want honesty from him.
Goal 1 - I need to get out for a walk today. Even if for only 15 min. Or do some form of exercise.
Goal 2 - I need to drink 6 glasses of water today.
Goal 3 - I will not email/text/call H for today. If he calls, I will not pick up and I will let at least 3 hours go by.
Goal 4 - I will read and dedicate myself to one hour for my career...
Goal 5 - I will not continuously check my phone today. I will keep it off until 5 pm today......as if I was at work!
Goal 6 - I will watch Yes Man today.
Goal 7 - No despair/dwelling on sitch until 5pm
Ok. These are the goals for today. I think for awhile I need to just have daily goals. I need to start keeping my promises to myself.
The days seem so long and they are so unstructured. Pearlharbr, how do you keep yourself busy and not thinking about xBF? I should have gone on gmail with you yesterday. I had a very bad day. The thought came to me that in a few weeks I will have no time....how can we or I solve anything when I have no time and he is avoiding me? I will be working 60 hrs/wk and exhausted everyday. How am I going to have any energy left to work on M?
I felt the walls closing in.....I was in panic mode and I was reacting to these thoughts going in and out of my mind even though the reality has not changed. Its still the same.
I got the pics of my friend's son and he just turned 2. He is adorable and all I could think was that I will not have one of my own. We were supposed to start trying in the next year...Not that I feel like I have to have kids, but it will no longer be an option. I felt saddness at all that is lost.
On the other hand, H has left and given me everything to manage on my own. And from reading other people's stories, having a child does not stop this from happening. So in a way, good thing we do not have kids. H and our M is definately not ready for that...and now, I am not sure I would want to have kids. How so many people deal with it is amazing to me! It seems like a double edged sword......on the one hand you will always have a connection and a part of him with you.....on the other hand....you will always have a connection and a part of him with you.
No easy answer to anything. Its not that easy to just cut yourself off from him even though you are on your own. I can definately attest to that.
Ok...I have 7 goals for today and I will have a good day today. I will have to set new goals after 5pm.
